An Obituary For A Dear Friend

You were good companion. You were on my mind every morning and sometimes at night. No matter where I went you were right before my eyes. Your curves made every day a little more palatable.

You were a friend, a coworker, and a confident. But most of all you were my copilot.

Even when your twin met an untimely demise in that tragic accident in front of the World Bank, you didn't falter. In fact you became stronger; taking on an almost dark, ceramic edge.

As it is said, "all good things must come to an end." Yet somehow I feel like you're passing was premature. Sure you were bigger than the others and it took longer than I thought to get you filled, but your differences were what forged our special bond.

It's a touch ironic then that in your time of need that bond was not strong enough to help you avoid your own tragedy.

Your life was full of pep and service to others  but your legacy will always be hot and black!

Farewell my friend. As you pass from this world to the next, may you stay clean and true. My desk and my coffee will never be the same.

Judge Me Not By The Bottle I Carry

There are certain things a runner holds sacred. Among them are his shoes, his sunglasses, and his hydration methods. You do not mess with these things. We are creatures of habit and don’t do well with change (or icy roads for that matter).

This is where I found myself yesterday morning. It’s 5:50am and I’m sitting in my car in the garage at my gym. I’m 30 miles away from home. I know I want to go out for a run this morning. I know I want to get somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-8 miles in. Even though it’s spring and fairly cool outside, I’ll still need water at least twice while out on the trail. I also realize that I left my full water bottle sitting on the kitchen counter when I left the house a half hour ago.

What are my options? I could take my chances with the only water fountain on the trail. Is it on? Did a homeless guy or a bird use it as a bathroom? I could take one of the empty bottles of water that are in the back of my car but they won’t fit in my carrier.

So that leaves me with one option. The Kid’s bottle! It certainly not ideal but it holds water and has a closeable lid on top. But how do I hide the Lighting McQueen graphic on the front so that I’m not laughed out of the gym (or off the trail)?

Another stroke of genius. It goes into my water bottle holder and looks just like a red water bottle, albeit one with a blue top. Does anybody have to know? No…well until you read this and eventually tell him when he’s a little older and can old it over his old man’s head.

But judge not less you be judged on your hydration methods. Ok?

Should I Watch NBC Sports

If ESPN actually scripted an action plan for how to deal with a potential story I would imagine that they would try to cover every angle including how to break into their regular programing (even though more of it is live today then ever before). While if they went thought this practice they might have made a list of potential big events, they would have been hard pressed to predict that two crazy brothers would plant bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.

With all that said, one thing they could have planned for was a male athlete in one of the "big 4" sports (football, baseball, hockey and basketball) would come out to the world as a gay man. In fact even if this didn't make their list, it's been talked about so much in the past year that somebody would have surely added it on there. And even if that didn't register, surely when they "broke the news" that Baylor basketball player Brittney Griner came out as a lesbian somebody would have gone over to the other side of Mel Kipper's draft board and jotted down a note.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions. you'd be dead wrong. When the news broke late Monday morning that NBA free agent, Jason Collins wrote a first hand message that he was coming out in this week's issue of Sports Illustrated, ESPN was in the middle of a programing block. A LIVE programing block. LIVE as in, we could break in at any time simply by handing our anchors a piece of paper with a note on it. But they chose to hold back. While the rest of the known universe was on Twitter and even FOX News learning about the details and reading the article. ESPN was debating how to break the story.

They did finally say something 2.5 hours later by opening up the Outside the Lines show with the story. Then things took a turn for the worse. The show brought on NBA commentator, Chris Broussard. The interview started with the basics but with a few minutes left to go, Broussard was asked what HE thought of the announcement. Completely forgetting that he is paid to be a commentator about the NBA and not religion or other sentiments that should be left outside of the office, he launched into a diatribe about how he's a "christian" (I choose to use lower case here because he doesn't deserve capitalization) and how Collins is "living a life of sin".

For his efforts, Mr. Broussard is yet to be suspended for his hate speech. In fact ESPN management has come out and said they support his comments and he was asked for his opinion. Um..yeah....his opinion about how Collins will be viewed by other players and his future in the league, not his thoughts on the Bible. Tell you what....I don't like the fact that Mr. Broussard eats pork. That's a sin in the Bible, how come nobody comes down on him for that?

A few years back, Tony Kornheiser made a comment on his ESPN radio show about the outfit that a female Sports Center anchor was wearing. He said her red go-go boots and short skit took attention away from the stories she was reporting. He was 100% correct and he got a suspension for it. Mr Broussard goes on a hate filled rant and tries to use religion as a defense and gets the support of ESPN Brass. As it has been said, "That's a Paddlin'."

ESPN has proven over the last 5 years or so of being less and less relevant in the sports world. Their flagship program, Sports Center, spends more time playing compilation highlights to music then they do showing you what happened in the game. Every anchor now has to have a catch phrase and many of them are contrived and offer no humor or value. Many more of us (myself included) are getting our sports elsewhere. Speaking for myself, I watch MLB Network when I want baseball highlights and follow Twitter when I want info on pretty much anything else.

With the first pick in the 2013 NFL draft

Nobody Likes a Jerk selects...he'll it doesn't really matter who I selected. He's either going to be labeled a savoir or a washout depending on how the rest of the team plays behind him.

I took my one and only break from baseball season this weekend to catch a little of the NFL draft. It didn't hurt that the Mets had an awful series against the Phillies, so that freed up my schedule a bit. It also didn't hurt that the Jets had two picks in the first 15.

The draft used to be appointment viewing with Chris Burman and Mel Kipper going at it for 8 hours on a Saturday afternoon. Depending on which side of the coin you're on, that has now been reduced to 2 hours on Thursday night, 2 hours on Friday night, and some time on Saturday where no one is really watching unless you have a Geno Smith or Brady Quinn type in the Green Room beyond the first round. 

Speaking of Mr. Smith, those Jets drafted him in the 2nd round and I'm happy. He's a very athletic quarterback who has a strong arm and big legs. He kind of reminds me of Tim Tebow only with out the Christ complex and with an actual working arm. Mr. Tebow was released this morning by the team which brings the number of QB's on the roster down to a manageable 5 (there's a lot of sarcasm here). Actually if the team is really interested in teaching Smith and grooming him to be the QB of the future then put him down as the 3rd on the depth chart behind starter Mark Sanchez and back up David Gerrard and let him hold the clipboard this season and learn. We are not going anywhere and can put up with another season of Sanchez.

But all this talk of players and strategy takes me off the point I was trying to make here today. Did you watch the draft? Did you see the tables where each team's staff was huddled around just before making each pick? Did you notice something out of place on those tables? If you said "A Bottle of Gatorade", you would be correct! 

One of the NFL's biggest sponsors made sure to have their products placed in a high-eyeball area during the draft. While that's great for the world of product placement, does anybody care that a sports drink was being featured in an environment where there were more neck ties than score ties?

The Draft has it's fair share of corporate sponsors this year. Ad Age points out that among them are Visa, Verizon, and other companies that don't even have V's in their names. (http://adage.com/article/news/nfl-turned-draft-mcrib-sporting-events/241141/) But why was Gatorade the only one featured up on the tables? Did other companies just not give as much? What a great tie-in Visa could have had if each team went up to congratulate their newest acquisition and handed him a pre-paid Visa card with his signing bonus already loaded up!

I get that this is a prime time event with lots of the coveted "Males 24-40" demographic tuning in but I don't think that calls for this much of an insult to "our" collective intelligence. Do you think we don't know what Gatorade is? We've grown up with the "Be Like Mike" campaign and the 1986 Giants starting the Gatorade showers. We get it. What we don't get is why?  When I'm in the office and the pressure is on. Do you know what I reach for? If you said a big bottle of lemon-lime G2, you'd be wrong....coincidentally if you said whiskey, you'd be right! 

That's it! The 2014 NFL draft brought to you by Jack Daniels and Lazy Boy!

Oh Great Wall of Pork, Beef and Turkey

please tell me which of the 700 types of hot dogs I should have for lunch. All I ask is be fair, be consistent and whenever possible, please include bacon.

[insert whirling sound, shaking of room and a "poof" of smoke]

Oh thank you great wall...the Carolina Slaw Dog is a great choice. I shall enjoy it's bacon covering and it's chili topping. I will also enjoy the creamy coleslaw and the dotting of fried onions on top while I amaze at the poppy seed bun that holds it all together.

Yep, that was my first trip to my town's (not-so-newest) food emporium, Great American Hot Dog. Known as GAHD to it's biggest fans (as in "Oh my GAHD!!"), the idea has been around as a food truck on DC's vibrant scene for a while now but has just recently opened more traditional and non-moving doors.

These doors aren't all that impressive. They sit in the far end of an industrial strip center on a side street near the small general aviation airpark. During the week, when the food truck is running there isn't much to even tell you it's there. At least on the weekend the truck gives you something other then cars in mid repair and assorted dumpsters to look at.

But the decor isn't why you come to this outpost. It's all about the dogs. There may not be 700 varieties but the total number does come close to at least touching 100. Thankfully for my already drained mind, when I came in this weekend they were only pushing some 25 varieties. Now as I was waiting for my wiener (yes I've been waiting to say that!) to be cooked I stated to think, "How many is too many?"

If I were eating them, it's an easy answer (enough until I'm full) but because I had to actually select one from their wall menu, even 25 was a little overwhelming. Do I go with a traditional Manhattan (brown mustard and sauerkraut) or get fancy with the Phily Salami Dog (Char-grilled Hebrew National hot dog wrapped in fried Hebrew National salami, topped with mustard and a sliced kosher pickle)? Do I stay local and get a Half Smoke or do I go down and try their take on the Varsity's Chili Dog? Do you see my challenge? This is too much to take in on an empty stomach.

Fortunately, the nice lady behind the counter shouldered the load for me when I asked her for suggestions. She picked the above mentioned Carolina Slaw Dog. She said I should try it because it's a rotating special and doesn't come around all the time. Fine...I like bacon, I like chili, I like coleslaw and of course, I love hotdogs! She didn't mislead me. This thing was damn good. Unfortunately it's also the most expensive one on the menu weighing in at $8.50. That seems a bit high for a regular size hot dog but I did get a Cel-Ray to wash it down so I'll accept that as an omen. An omen for deliciousness.

I will assure you that my very biased restaurant review in today's post will be replaced my usual snarky and slightly intellectual musings the next time you visit.

Blame It On The Zombies

At least that's what I'm going to do in order to explain this several week absence from filing this little corner of the interweb with joy and filth all at the same time! And while the dead rising from the grave to feast on the brains of the living may give me artistic license to skip a few weeks of posting it never, ever, ever, ever gives you reason to call the police. That is unless you live in Montana.

Montana-ians (or -ites if you like) have always been a different breed. Ever since they joined these fine United States of America they have stuck to their guns, their beef, and what ever else there is to stick to in Montana. Snow maybe? But the one thing that we can always rely on is a certain level of stupidity and high traces of gullibility.

This is not to indict all citizens of Big Sky Country. I'm sure many are loyal, law abiding, gun toting, tobbaco chewing, patriotic Americans. There are at least four that I will call out for their distrubing behavior.

You see it all started out inocently enough. Roughly 100 viewers (or 10% of the state's population) were watching the CW network yesterday afternoon. Ok let's stop there. The CW network? Really? Perhaps it wasn't the living but rather the Zombies who were watching? I don't think you're even allowed to watch that unless you actually have a brain...but I digress.

As the gentle folks of Montana who were home at 2:11pm local time during the middle of the week...ech...a Emergency Broadcast Alert came across the screen intrupting not only an infomercial for a non stick pancake maker but also an episode of the Steve Wilkos show. And not just any episode mind you, but it cut right into the juicy part of "Teen Cheaters Take Lie Detector Tests"

The viewing public heard the tell tale tones and chirps followed by a warning that dead bodies have risen from the grave and they are dangerous. You should not approach or try to apprehend them.



Ok...hardy har har har. We've been punked. Dead bodies...you mean Zombies? Oh sure, Look Out Martha, the Zombies are after us!  Very Funny. It must have been an intern on his last day at the station...or possibly...well lets just say that 1) I was in high school and 2) it was public access (which may have had more viewers than the CW in Montana)

But wait....not everybody got the joke. Police report getting at least four calls asking if this was a real thing. Not 1. Not 2. Not 3. But four people actually had to stop what they were doing, ask themselves "can the dead actually rise?" and then pick up the phone can call police. That takes a certain amount of "asshole" that I don't believe I have the ability to even fathom.

So in the end it turns out that hackers got into the Emergency Response System and were playing a trick (duh). But I hope during the course of this investigation and even better a possible trial, that the 911 tapes are played. I really want to hear how these calls went down....

Hello 911, please state your emergency

Uh...yeah...the TV just said that Zombies were coming for us....what should I do?

Zombies? Sir...this line is for emergencies only

NO I'm serious...it said the undead are out to get us...what should I do? Do I shoot 'em or try to stab them in the heart?

Sir, are you on drugs or narcotics? 

Well yes but that's not the point....I'm scared and don't know what to do. If they were commies, or liberals I'd just shoot them in the head, but how do you kill a zombie?

At least that's how I'd play it out on the big screen. My advice: shoot them in the head and then stop watching the CW!

I Don't Know Where the Wings Are Officer?

That is, I don't know where they went after we loaded them onto the back of a rental truck and drove it to my Mama's house. Ok, so the truth is that even the police don't know where $65,000 worth of Tyson's brand chicken wings are but they do have the two guys who took them in custody. I do believe that the cops strategy here is to let them sit for a while and then follow the stench to the storage locker or basement where they are stored.

On the face of it though, this is a brilliant crime. One of those that if I were involved with that element I might be inclined to get in on. Think about it. You have the biggest football game of the year coming up and what do people eat (besides what they are told to by the tv advertising overlords)? That's right, chicken wings, and these guys boosted enough of them to stay full for a week and still make a nice little nest egg selling off the rest. In fact the only thing that would have been smarter (other then not getting caught in the first place) would have been to also boost a truck load of hot sauce.

So to the fans in the greater Atlanta metropolitan viewing area, I'm sorry but not only will your pizza take several hours to arrive but the wings that come with them will be approximately $5 each (wing). You can thank your friends Dewayne and Renaldo.

What Constitutes Fun?

We learn alot as we age. We learn not to put our hand on a hot stove, women don't like it when you push them out of the way to get to another, hotter girl, at the end of the bar, and our definition of fun changes too.

When you're 10 years old, all you need is a group of friends, a sunny day, and a football and you're set for at least 2-5 hours of running around, cursing a little bit, and maybe breaking your arm. You don't need to plan anything out, just show up and have a good time.

When you're 19, you need some cheap beer (or screw top wine if you're that kind of person), music, and somebody to look out for the cops and it's an instant party

When you hit real adulthood, things change. You're concepts change and certainly what you call "fun" changes.

Let me give you a run down of what I now consider a fun weekend day.

7:05am: wake up...the kid let us sleep in past 7pm ...Hallelujah
8:00am: breakfast of defrosted bagels, leftover qinua with fruit and coffee
8:30am: Skyping with my inlaws. FIL appears unshaven and without a shirt....breakfast ruined
10:00am: out the door and off to Frederick with the wife and kid
10:30am: Costco to browse but we did buy two things that we could have gotten anywhere. Checked gas prices, they are the same as at the station by our house.

11:00am: On a quest for Baltimore Ravens stuff for my SIL/BIL and their kids. We stop at three stores...nothing.
12:00pm Wegmans for lunch. Kid consumes all of his food and half of Mrs. Bloggermans. My Indian leaves a lot to be desired
12:30pm Actual food shopping which isn't much since we're doing all defrosted leftovers this week.
1:00pm All the food goes into the car trunk and since it's 20 degrees out we don't worry about it going bad. 
1:15pm More stores for this superbowl stuff. Mrs. Bloggerman hits a winner at Sports Authority.
1:45pm Back in the car for home.
3:00pm Take dog for walk, only get to listen to half of Morning Edition Sunday on NPR podcast due to technical issues.
4:00pm Arrive home to defrost and sit down to watch some TV. Settle on the Capitals game. I remember why I don't like hockey.
6:00pm Skype with my parents. About as much fun as it sounds like
6:30pm Dinner consisting of leftover Chinese food from Saturday night.
730pm Kid goes up for bath and bed
830pm We go up to watch tv and unwind. I get to see 10 minutes of the Knicks game before treated to an hour of Grey's and some new House Hunter's show about people who I want to punch in the face because they 1) aren't real and 2) really bad actors

See and you thought my day wasn't fun.

These Truths Which I Hold Self Evident

Monday was the second inauguration day for President Obama. It was a glorious day of speeches, fanfare, and of course a broken mass transit system. It doesn't matter who you voted for or even if you voted but rather it's a wonderful celebration of the symbolic transfer of power of this country. Not a single shot was fired, no blood poured, and only a few protesters climbed trees.

So here are some "truths" that I've learned:

It was warmer then last time. 
If you go back and look at the weather report for Monday it topped out in the low 50's which is certainly quite a bit warmer then the freezing temps we had to brave out at the Capitol in 2009. Now it didn't hurt that I was sitting in the comfort of my own home this time around surrounded by friends, family, heat, and fresh chili. Speaking of which...

Fritos are gluten free
We generally are healthy eaters around here. We don't stock the cabinets with Twinkies and Snickers. We try to stick to egg whites, fresh vegetables, and lean turkey.  But because of the aforementioned festivities, we added the highly addictive, not so healthy, fried corn chips to our pantry. They went great with the chili but unfortunately not so well that they were completely gone. So because I don't have much to fill my days with anymore I took to reading the small print in the packaging. Did you know they are gluten free? Me neither. Now I don't know if they are also glue-free but at least I can eat them knowing that I won't suffer from the effects of celiac disease. Plus if I can't stop eating them at least there's a reason out there.

Levin and Franklin are related?
One of our esteemed guests on Monday was observing that there was a lot of shots of Senator Carl Levin of Michigan. It also seems that the esteemed Senator looks a heck of a lot like another Senator. Ben Franklin. Well actually Senator Ben Franklin was from Texas and served in the late 1800's. But the Founding Father Ben Franklin is whom I'm referring too. They really do look a lot alike. As one blogger pointed out, "If Levin had syphilis he'd be Franklin." Hopefully he didn't mean Senator Franklin too...I always thought of him more as a gonorrhea type fellow.

That is all for now. We'll see what happens in January 2017. Hopefully I'll have some new material by then.




 

Who Is Buying This Stuff?

Lance Armstrong is a douche. That's not a surprise and after watching the highlights of his interview with Oprah Winfrey the other day that assumption is confirmed.

Actually after watching the interview, I have another assumption that was shown to be true. The only thing that Oprah can be hard hitting with is a rack of ribs and a bucket of The Colonel's chicken. This was at best a fluff piece and Armstrong knew it which is why he came out now. He purposely avoided ESPN, or one of the main stream news outlets so that he could admit his guilt and be done with it. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he was the source of the leak to Deadspin about the Manti Te'o story. Just enough sensationalism to pull the pressure off of him.

But Lance's douche-iality, Oprah's eating prowess, and Te'o's gullibility are not the topic of conversation in this space today. No. Today I want to talk about a different type of "performance enhancing drug". 

I love my XM radio and if you're into music, sports, or have kids I definitely recommend getting one (talk to me first though...I can get you a deal on the service). Many of the stations are really commercial free, if you include all the promos for the upcoming programs. I'll let that slide as NPR does roughly the same thing. But some of my favorite channels are not blessed with such wealth and thus if I want to hear uncensored comedy or the latest baseball news I have to put up with a commercial or two.

That's fine. I won't buy anything advertised if I can help it so fire away. Coke, Verizon, Bank of America, whatever. Keep tossing them out and I will "toss" them out.

But my problem starts when Johnny Bench, yes, the "Little General" himself becomes the sales manager and starts plugging away and selling primetime spots to "performance enhancing drugs" marketed specifically to males. Viagra, Cialis and the like are the mainstream. They are too cool for satellite. No, if you want to get your woman to love you and make her scream like a school girl you need to go a little lower on the scale. Science be dammed; you don't need to wait hours for your flag pole to be ready to salute, now you only need 7 seconds for something called Stendra. Yep...you only need 7 little seconds. That's less time then snorting a line of meth or even for a hit of ecstacy to kick in.

Why do I know this? Well I've heard that advertisement about 300 times. And that was just yesterday. But other people are hearing these ads and somebody's buying this stuff...otherwise they wouldn't keep advertising. But who?

The best I can figure is that the target demographic are men (duh), and many of them are not able to get or maintain an erection. Thankfully I'm not in this demographic, yet. But if I was I would think that many of my medications, most would come from a doctor's script. I generally try to avoid calling strangers on the phone for a cure to a condition that I would prefer to have a medical professional look at first.

But that of course doesn't stop people from doing dumb things. See Bush, President, George, W two times. So people are buying this stuff. They only have so much time with the hooker after all. So what now? How much longer is it until we get the 6 second pill and the 4 second pill. Hell why do we even need to wait that long. Why can't we just walk around at full mast the entire time? Sure we'd need to buy new pants and rejigger the steering wheels in our cars but how cool would that be.

All These Porta Johns...

And not a bolt cutter to be found. So its a lot of "lookie" and very little "cookie" for me as I ran up and down Capitol Hill this past Saturday.

The setup was already in place for next Monday's inauguration ceremonies. There were bleachers, snow fencing, folding chairs, and temporary lighting was all in place and ready to go. The technicians were out making some tweaks. And the best part was the Port-a-Johns. Oh the Port-a-Johns.

They were lined up for days, miles even. Beautiful shades of blue and green. All fully stocked with toilet paper and hand sanitizer, no doubt. But there's a catch.

Actually it's a lock. Well a lot of them. Each and every unit is locked. I'm not talking about simple plastic zip ties that can be broken with a few good pulls. Nope. These are all pad locked shut. This wouldn't be a problem but even with the jogging stroller a bolt cutter tends to stand out. Plus the added weight will change your mile time something fierce.

So that was the position I was in last weekend. Now of course it would be my luck that whenever I need to "answer the call" I'm always in the middle of nowhere or even worse, in the middle of somewhere without a bathroom. So this time, I'm in the middle of bathrooms and don't have to go.

Such is my luck. Of course last time around I was very grateful for these bathroom offerings. To be that close to the johns with virtually no lines after so much morning coffee was a true blessing. But I was especially grateful that I wasn't stuck in the Purple Tunnel of Doom. 

Speaking of such it's good to see that organizers are taking precautions this time around but I think it won't really matter. Between a second term and an impending snow storm (don't think it can actually get colder than last time). 

You Call This Steak?

Other than the marks on the side where the jockey was hitting hit I can't really qualify the dish that was put on my table yesterday at brunch, steak.

The thought was nice of course and we were there to celebrate the impending welcome into the world of a new little bee. And yes the people there were very nice and I did get to have several adult conversations that have been devoid in my life recently but that still doesn't excuse the quality of the slab of meat that shared space on my plate with the egg whites, grapefruit slices, and diced potatoes.

Chef Geoff's has become over the years as close as this town has come to a hallowed institution. They used to be known for takes on simple American classics. Now they will be known for dropping a piece of NY strip that looks to be a reject from both TGI Friday's, a high school cafeteria, and possibly the snack bar at the Baghdad International Airport. The eggs weren't much better but that's not the point.

How does food like this make the grade?  There was supposed to be farmers, slaughterhouse supervisors, food inspectors, purchasing agents, chefs, food expediters, and waiters who all were supposed to stand in the way of that cow of making it's way to my plate. Where were they and why weren't they doing their jobs.

And if it could happen here, in the United States, in our Nation's Capitol, just blocks from the White House and the McDonald's near the White House, then what about in other countries? Canada could start serving bad meat, or even Britain. Heck it could possibly spread to India...well maybe not that far.

In summary, the steak was rubbery, undercooked, and possibly microwaved. It lacked taste, color and many other meat like tendencies. It deserved no place in a restaurant, hospital, or morgue and it certainly deserves no space on my plate.

May The Schwartz Be With You

Well clearly they can't show Spaceballs in Encinitas County schools. A parent might think their child was learning Yogurtisim.

It sounds crazy yet according to those liberals over at NPR, parents are suing the school because they are teaching the kids yoga as part of their physical education curriculum. Forget the kids getting healthy, the krazy kristians are worried the kids might be learning Hinduism. In a related story, 15 third grade students asked their parents for permission to get a tattoo of Vishnu on their backs and another 20 have petitioned to have the school mascot changed from the sacred cows to something less offensive like the dirty jungle bunnies.

I just want to understand this. A school is trying to teach kids early on that a healthy lifestyle, complete with food choices and exercise, is the best way to go and parents are fighting it? Wasn't it the parents who are letting the kids establish unhealthy eating habits and avoid exercise in the first place.

Maybe I missed the section in the Bible that says, "thou shall not let thy child to breathe deeply while clearing their mind allowing them to learn more." Was that in The Gospel of Jeremy? I never did get around to reading much of the back half of the book. You know us Jews, we don't like to carry big books.

It really doest matter your chosen faith, we should all be striving to live a little better and provide support to those around us who need a hand doing the same. If kids are learning how to do that at a young age and don't have to battle weight the way many of us have had to do as adults then we should be encouraging that wherever possible. Any judge in his right mind should toss this out immediately.

But we all know that the case will go through and the school may have to blink. Either way the kids loose. I'd hate to see what happens if the school eliminates bacon from the menu. Prepare the lawsuits because the kids are being taught how to be Muslims!

How Long Is Too Long?

Who has In-Laws?  This guy does. Before you start with your jokes, I actually like them. I know it's against every law that Issac Newton ever laid down but they are OK.

Well they just left town (on a big jet airplane) but it got me thinking about house guests in general. I've been on both sides of the coin and I started to figure out about how long is too long. At what point do your friends and family stop becoming guests and start becoming pests?

There are lots of guides out there on how to be a good house guest and lots of guides on how to be a bad house guest. What I can't find out is how long is too long? Is it 3 days or 2 weeks? Where is the line? Where are the guides for this? 


I propose that 3 days or shorter is the perfect stay.

Day 1: Pick Up
You pick your guests up at the airport/subway/train station/horse track...whatever moves you. This is the whole "oh it's great to see you" phase. There's a lot of smiles, handshakes, hugs, chest bumping...again whatever moves you. There's usually a nice meal out and the carrying of bags to the guest room, sofa, futon, or fold out couch. Simple, easy, and civil.

Day 2: The Event Day
The second day starts with a nice breakfast, maybe some coffee. From there it's off to an event of some sort. Maybe the park or the shopping mall or if your guests are really lucky a football game. Either way the "event" takes up a good chunk of the day and the rest of the day is spent talking about the event. Dinner, followed by chit chat and possibly use of the computer to check in to their flight online.

Day 3: Going Home
Bags are packed, the bed is stripped (if you have the "good" variety of guests), and breakfast is on the table. Your guests are ready to go home. Their stay has been wonderful and the memories will last a lifetime, but it's time to go.

There it is in a nutshell. Anything beyond 3 days is pushing it (although for clarification my inlaw's 5-day stay was not overstepping and actually enjoyable). There may be acceptations to this rule. If your guest is a gourmet chef and cooks you foie gras stuffed pineapples or if there are significant amounts of financial encouragement.

There Are Stranger Things But Not Many

Humans have strange addictions and fetishes. We pride ourselves on it. We have shows to prove it. Just look at the lineup on Arts and Entertainment television tonight, Intervention, Hoarders, Pawn Stars.

Well actually that last one isn't really an addiction unless you count my Father-In-Law watching hours of it on end. But that's a topic for another post.

No matter how strange you think something is, chances are there is a pornographer out there trying to make a buck on it. Yep. Porn has ridden the information super highway all the way to the bank. Back in my days, porn was just available in magazines or on Cinemax after dark. But even then it was standard girl on guy or girl on girl or girl on guy on girl action. Nothing too crazy, but boy have things changed.

Today I was reading up on leprosy because I have this thing and it looks a little green...well that's not important. Anyway while reading my friendly Urban Dictionary I came across something called "LeperPorn". Yes....exactly. Pornography specifically for Lepers, which shows bits of their body falling off during sexual activity.

Now that I've swallowed the little bit of vomit that just came up in my mouth, I want to apologize for putting this image in your head but it's important we deal with this issue head on. Actually when I think of leaperporn, I see an actor that looks and sounds a lot like Sam Kinneson yelling at his female counterpart....but your image may vary. I have chosen to spare you from the actual footage but trust me I've done the research and now you know there is one more category of "kinky" that you may have to contend with the next time you dot com. 

How to Win Fans and Influcnce This Guy

I am a simple man. I don't need to be treated like a superstar (although rumors are that it doesn't hurt). I fly coach, I buy generic drugs, and I've tried to print my own money. However once in a while I get blown away by either (and usually) a negative experience or sometimes a positive experience with a company I'm doing business with.

The later happened this week when Mrs. Bloggerman and I tried to take the Kid to his first basketball game over at the University of Maryland. It was a high demand game featuring the 0-13 Delaware State Hornets at the end of December. Because there was no way in hell that I was going to pay full price ($30 each) for a game that would be no more then 50% full because students were on winter break. Enter my friends at ScoreBig.com.

ScoreBig is essentially the Priceline for sports and concert tickets. You find the event you want to go to, pick a "star" level for the tickets you want and "bid". If you're bid is accepted you've bought them and if not you can try again later. The better the seats the higher the stars and the deals are pretty good. We've used them in the past to buy tickets to both the Nationals and the Orioles and have been very satisfied with our seats.

Back in November, we decided to go and invited another friend to join us. I went online and found 3 star seats in Section 118 (corner of the floor) for $18 each. They accepted my bid and I also had a $20 promotional credit so the tickets worked out to about $11 each. Great deal that was almost 66% off the face value. I paid and the tickets arrived in the mail a few weeks later. I checked that they were the right section/date/etc and put them on the fridge. The morning of the game I realized that I wasn't sure about where to park so I grabbed the tickets and hit the interwebs. I won't go into how bad the University of Maryland's site is and how little actual information is provided. Let's just say that my tax dollars better be going to great professors because the web content team stinks.

After finally figuring out parking I saw a 3-D, interactive seating map for the Comcast Center so I decided to see where our actual seats were. YIKES! They were 3 rows from the back of the arena. That can't be right. These are supposed to be near the floor. (Truth is they were near the floor...26 rows away...in a 31 row stadium!) Next I went over to ScoreBig to see if they had similar seats for future UMD games. The next game they had was on New Year's Day and the seats were listed as 1-star. I called their customer support line at 9am but they are based in California and weren't open until 30 min before our game started. I called right at noon and got through to a representative right away. Alfonso listened, asked good questions and did some research. He confirmed that the seats we had tickets for were not in right star "rating" and that he couldn't do anything for us in terms of new seats because the game was going to begin. He told me to go in to the game and enjoy it and that he would follow up with his manager when he got back in (on Jan 2) to find out about at least a partial refund. I got an email from him saying the same thing and that was that. The game was great and the seats were ok but not great. Most importantly the Kid had a great time at his first game and I think I heard him yell, "DUNK" a few times...or he might have just been looking for his cheese-its.

Yesterday at lunch my phone rings and it's Alfonso again. He began by first apologizing again and then actually took the time to ask me if I enjoyed the game (good move!!). Then he said that his manager reviewed the situation and was issuing a full refund for the tickets and giving me an additional $10 credit to use toward future tickets. Wow! The refund and the money were great but what really blew me away was that he 1) followed up when he said he would, 2) actually took the time to ask me how the event was and remembered that I said that it was my Kid's first game and 3) that they extended us a full refund.

You now have a customer for life and I am officially declaring ScoreBig.com the "Official Ticket Broker for Nobody Likes A Jerk". That's quite an honor...trust me.

Fiscal Cliff Won't Prevent Birthdays

However walking off a real cliff will probably prove celebrating challenging.

We made through another Congressional-imposed cliff and just by the skin of our teeth. Oh the fun. One Congressman, Rep. Steve LaTourette, R-Ohio, told CNN's Dana Bash that he and his colleagues won't be hemmed in by the votes of "sleep-deprived octogenarians" in the Senate. Yep, bipartisanship is alive and kicking!

But I don't want to dedicate today's space to the bi-partisan incompetence taking place just a few dozen miles from my desk. Nope today is the first post of the new year and I'm making a resolution (even though I said last year that I won't make any more resolutions...oh well) to provide more new content this year than I have in the past two. For you that's more of my semi-comedic ramblings and for me it's free therapy because unfortunately my medical insurance doesn't see me as medically certifiable so I can't get to see a shrink on their dime. No today's post is dedicated to two birthday's and unfortunately none have to do with octogenarians but one does have to do with flaky cliffs.

Today, the nice folks at Nestle foods remind us that it is the "90-ish" birthday of Bart Simpson's former favorite chocolatey treat, Butterfingers. Butterfinger designated 2013 as a benchmark for its first 90ish years, as the candy bar originally invented by Chicago’s Curtiss Candy Company was believed to have been promoted as early as 1923 (before it ultimately was sold to Nestlé in 1990). However, Butterfinger parent company Nestlé holds a trademark document from 1928, thus the 90ish reference around its anniversary, keeping in line with the brand’s irreverent sense of humor.  The folks over at NPR even did a full story on it today.

Now I am a connoisseur of finer chocolates everywhere and Butterfingers rank up there with some of the best. We all know it's not as great as a Toblerone or even the gold standard, REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup, but it is consistent and it's always good. Plus because it's flaky you are almost guaranteed a surprise flake or two in your lap or shirt pocket a few hours later so it's an added bonus. 

Almost as cool as the pseudo birthday of a candy bar is that my kid, Bloggerman Jr. turned 2 years old a few days ago. Do you realize what this means? Well, yes there is a discount now for day care. Ok, I guess you can look at it as he's another year closer to leaving the house. Fine, he's almost ready to get a job and start pulling his weight around here. But I'm talking about something even bigger then all that. As of his birthday, I no longer have to take out a pen and pad to figure out how old he is when people ask me. There is no more, "well he's almost 21 months now..." Nope. He's 2. Next year he'll be 3, and so on. I don't have to think, I don't have to figure, and most of all I don't have to get overly annoyed, vexed, or irked by slack jawed yokles asking me his exact age. Happy Birthday Kid!

Read more here: http://www.heraldonline.com/2013/01/01/4513933/butterfinger-celebrates-90ish.html#storylink=cpy

I Need To Post Something

It has been 6 months and none of my pre-unemployment predictions have come true. I haven't gotten a job yet (as if you had to ask if that was number 1), I haven't grown my beard out yet (although I've tried a few times), and I haven't kept up on posting to this absolute black hole of space on the interwebs.

I've been doing everything possible to get that first one checked off as it's kind of the reason I'm in this position in the first place. I might have to take a few months and move up to Williston, North Dakota where even WalMart employees are making big bucks. $17 an hour if you care to know. Of course you're living in an oil boom town in the northern most part of the shitiest state in the union. (Mississippi you're now number 2!)  but why dwell on the upside now. I've also tried to grow that beard out several times but keep getting called in to these pesky job interviews where evidently large, random patches of facial hair are frowned upon. Add to that Mrs. Bloggerman always seems to think that I look stupid and I'm constantly shaving.

So that only leaves posting material here. Of course that has slacked off too and the only reason I can come up with is that I don't have a job to complain about nor a beard to give others something to complain about. Thankfully for you my dear readers (all 3 of you) today, something wonderful dropped in my lap today. Lucky You.

The first is that my favorite high school football team, the New York Jets managed to blow another game. Monday Night Football early in the season or if your team is in contention late in the season is an exciting, must see moment. However when your team couldn't beat a team composed of 65 year old lepers it's not quite as exciting. But I'm a trooper and stuck it out for as long as I could. I made it into the third quarter until I couldn't take it any more and just closed my eyes. Fortunately it appears that Mark Sanchez did the same thing. Ok the season is over and I still "have to" root for two more games.

Fortunately for me, my other team "The California Bulls" (yes...those Bulls) are in the Superbowl. Well not the actual Superbowl but rather the fantasy Superbowl created by idiots who can barely run their own lives. I'll update you next Tuesday if I'm the raining champion of absolutely nothing.

The Flavors That Nobody Asked For

Hey Boss...lets get creative this year and come up with flavors that nobody has ever thought to put into flavored seltzer water!

Didn't the folks at Jone's soda try that some years back to disastrous results?

They just didn't know how to do it right. When we're done with this stuff it'll be so good that people will be calling it the Christmas Story 2 of the beverage industry!

Are you sure?

Absolutely Boss!

The moral of the story is never listen to your employees because they will do two things. The first is to actually make those flavors that nobody asked for. I present for your drinking (dis)pleasure the newest flavor additions to the Polar Seltzer family of seasonal beverages: Eggnog, Buttered Rum, and Candy Cane. Yes you read that correctly. Three of the most beloved seasonal flavors have been chemically engineered and added into carbonated water. The result?  Ehh...well I wouldn't kick it out of bed but I probably wouldn't have slept with a bottle of flavored seltzer in the first place. Actually they don't taste awful but they aren't to die for either. It's clearly a mistake by a company desperate to increase market share but it raises an important question. If there are scientists who can create a chemical to mimic eggnog, how come we can't cure cancer? The later seems a little easier to imagine. While I don't think the boardroom conversation at Polar's New England headquarters went quite like that stated above, there was still a conversation to be had and somebody in authority had to ok this devilish combination of flavors. Who was it and do they still have a job? The only redeeming thing that I can figure is that on their Facebook page Polar does post this recipe for a lighter version of eggnog:

Looking for a skinny 'Nog that isn't loaded with artificial ingredients? Make your own and make the holiday season sparkle: 1 part whole milk + 1 part rum + 2 parts Polar Seltzer Eggnog or Butter Rum Seltzer (+ optional garnish of raw sugar) = YUM!

Hold your vomit in folks, remember I said there was a second thing that rogue employee might also approve for manufacture. Think of all the movies ever made that focus on the Christmas season. Which is the only one you all love but would never want to see a remake or g-d forbid a sequel?

EXACTLY! A Christmas Story

Let that vomit flow because there is now an actual "official sequel" to Christmas Story. Yes Ralphie and his pals are now 8 years older and moving up in the world of toys. This year he's hoping for keys to a new car to be left under the tree. Follow the link and watch the trailer because it's perhaps the only way you'll understand why movie critics are saying "This is the remake that nobody asked for" and "This is a great gift for everybody you want out of your life.".

Yeah I know....now time to rip into my bottle of Mint Chocolate seltzer and watch Home Alone 22 (Macaulay Culkin is launched into space....hilarities ensue).

They Must Be Getting Slower

Because there is NO WAY that I'm getting that much faster.

Yes it's true I did set a new PR (or personal record for non runners out there) on Saturday at the AMPS 5k in Pensauken, NJ. I crossed the line in an even 21 minutes and 21 seconds which shattered my previous best time of 21 minutes 56 seconds turned in at the Gaithersburg New Year's Day 5k. That was my favorite 5k and the last before LBJ (Little Bloggerman Jr) decided to poke his head out the following year).

To give you an idea of how I'm not really built for speed, I ran all 3 miles in under 7 minutes which is the first time I've ever done that. Add to that my first mile was clocked at 6 minutes and 29 seconds which is easily the fastest mile I've turned in, well ever. So that had me pretty amped up (no pun intended).

But there was one more thing that topped all of these. It seems there were only two people to finish ahead of me. That's right...little (fat) old me came in 3rd place (2nd male finisher) in the entire race of 400 people.

Now I know what you're going to say, and no, I DID NOT CHEAT!  I did however have two things working in my favor. First was that I was among the first five people to cross the starting line and in a race that isn't chip timed, starting position means everything. Second, it didn't hurt that of the 400 or so participants, about 300 of them were walkers.

But most importantly was that the race raised valuable funds and awareness of Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome (AMPS) which one of my cousins suffers from. It's a very painful disease that sucks all the energy out of you. In fact she was having another tough bout a few days before we showed up but luckly started feeling better the  day before the race. She, along with her siblings and some friends walked/ran the entire distance along with a bunch of other alumni from thier recovery program. Her Mom and Dad along with Mrs. Bloggerman and LBJ walked the course too and turned in a rather impressive time of under an hour!

I'm really proud of everybody who participated but particularly those who have battled the disease and continue to fight through the pain to live normal lives! Finally, my cousin won for "Best Fundraiser" for the event. She raised over $11,000 for the treatment program!