The (Bathroom) Sins Of Our Fathers

Is there such a thing as a bathroom-phobe? No that's not the right word because I'm not scared of the can but rather obsessed with writing about it. From pulling out "road wins", to strange signs, on down to giving extra attention to water conservation, I notice that it is among my most mulled over topics. Perhaps that's because of the wonderful material found there (not the stuff found on the floor though).

Enter our first entry in this shortened presidents day week. It started on Sunday morning at swim class for the little fella. We were done with our lesson, he was with Mrs. Bloggerman and I was in the men's locker room changing for lunch. There was another father in there with his young daughter. Nothing new here and I was just finishing up putting my shoes on as they were about to walk out. The father asks his daughter to wait a second while he saddles up to the urinal. As he's taking care of business, the little girl asks, "Daddy is this a 'fragile' bathroom?"

I'm not sure who had "confused" on their face more, me or the Dad. But using his advanced fathering skills he didn't miss a beat and asked her what she meant. Then as if everybody else in the world knew what she was talking about she continues, "You know, one of those where you have to wash your hands."

Ah the innocence of a child. Clearly she doesn't remember what her parents taught her, the schools teach her, and what society teaches her. Of course her father was set to clear this up right away. He was going to tell her to wash her hands anytime she goes into the bathroom. He opens his mouth and says, "Honey, you only have to wash your hands when you poop. We don't have to do it if we just pee."

Thankfully I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor in time to see him finish, zip his fly and walk out with his daughter (without washing his hands). I sat there for a few moments trying to digest what I just saw. After swallowing the small amount of vomit in my mouth, I washed my own hands and wet down a paper towel to hose off the locker room door handle.

If you are not yet disgusted from this story, you either have no moral compass or you've stopped reading (which means that your not reading this now so I can say pretty much anything thing I want about you). But it gets me thinking that there should be some basic rules every man teaches his son or daughter about using the restroom:

1) Toilet Seats
If you are a guy, lift the seat up (with your foot if need be) if you are going to pee. You should, of course, already tried to get to a urinal, trough, or empty bottle but if it's a must, please think of the next guy who needs to come "lay some pipe". If you are using a unisex (stop chuckling!)  bathroom please put the seat back down when you're done. It makes the rest of us look bad when you don't.


2) Toilet Paper
Ladies, we need paper too. Stop using 1/2 a roll every time you walk into a bathroom. As Elaine once said, please spare a square (or several).  And for crying out loud, of you finish the roll, replace it...don't just leave the cardboard roll hanging out there with that last square of paper super-glued to the tube.

3) Washing Your Hands
This is only targeted to a few people (including my swim class parents). Every time you get close to a toilet, wash your hands. That's warm water, soap, lather, rinse, dry. You don't need to sing "Happy Birthday" twice or "Row Row Row Your Boat", but you do need to lather a little bit.

Ok, off my bathroom soapbox. Back on to my regular soapbox tomorrow.


NOT WASHINGTON HANDS AFTER peeing

File this under “Things I’m Not Sure If I Should Have Eaten”

Do you know the feeling? Yeah, the one you get when you just ate something and your stomach starts churning a little bit. You start to question whether the expiration date has passed (something hard to do with leftovers) and if you need to take your computer to the bathroom so you can continue to work while waiting for the inevitable.

For me, it was the leftover chili salad. We ate it on Saturday night and took it home and refrigerated it pretty quick. Here’s the challenge, though. I didn’t heat it back up today. I mean the chili was all mixed in with the lettuce and the tomatoes and the peppers. If I put it in the microwave, everything would be a big hot soggy mess.

So am I sick? I don’t know. I guess that depends on if the nice folks at Hard Times Café (the official chili provider to Nobody Likes a Jerk) puts blue corn tortilla strips in their salads. If they don’t then I’d say that was mold and I’m bound for a trip to the DL. I guess it also depends on how quick microbes and all that icky, nasty stuff can form on chili meat? In the past I’ve vigorously questioned the safety of my Chinese leftovers, but do I have to do the same about my Cincinnati Chili Salad?

Time will tell.

You Lost What? Where?

Things to do at a ballgame:

• Get there early to see batting practice.
• Enjoy a hot dog and a beer
• See your favorite player launch a home run
• Catch a foul ball

Things NOT to do at a ballgame :

• Loose your gold tooth down a toilet in the public restroom
• Reach your hand into said toilet to try and retrieve it and in the process getting your arm stuck prompting you to scream for help at the top of your lungs thus necessitating the gathering of security personnel and onlookers to figure out how to get you out of this predicament.

Wait...that didn’t happen. Nobody is that stupid. Are they?

Uh...yeah there are. According to the NY Post a “hapless Mets fan...” found herself in just such a situation last week at the new Citi Field. The full story is here. Go read it and then come on back. I’ll wait.

Are you done? Great. Let’s get going.

What level of stupidity are we talking about here? I would argue that this is right up there with the dope that tried escalator surfing at Shea Stadium last year just before he fell to his death. I do feel bad for this lady though. Gold ain’t cheep (over $900/oz on the commodities exchange) and to drop it in the crapper is never fun. But sometimes dead is dead and gone is gone. I would like to know the following facts that were not included in the article (thankfully):

1) Why was this tooth loose enough to slip out? Aren’t gold teeth/fillings/other dental work usually fairly secure in your choppers and aren’t usually prone to slipping out in the John (Jane)?

2) Did she reach in after the initial “payload” cleared the bowl or was the water still “tainted”? If it’s the later....ewwwwww

3) What do you say if you are the first security officer to respond to this scene? What mind control technique do you use to stop yourself from busting out in utter laughter?

4) Finally, why was the plumbing company called before the fire department/rescue squad? That’s like seeing somebody getting mugged and calling Rolex to find out how to get the other guys watch back before you call the cops.

Another Germ-a-phobe

For those of you dedicated readers, you may remember my rant on the uber-sanitary habits of the guy at the urinal next to me. Well I obviously the people that work in and around my office clearly don’t share the same fierce sense of having to read this space because they are at it again.

Today I walked in to do some “thinking” and at the same time in walked another like minded individual. He entered the stall next to mine and while I took a quick swipe with tissue of the seat and got to “work” he was not as fast. This dope felt the need to flush first (even though there very well was nothing in there) and then instead of using the provided seat covers (what a waste of money) he feels the need to line the seat like it’s in the only gas station in a bad neighborhood and you’re having a save your pants or your soul moment.

Stop the insanity. Mary Lou Retton was the one who reminded us that you can’t even get AIDS from a toilet seat. But it is Judy Forman writing in The Boston Globe who gives us a more definitive list of what you can get from a dirty seat. I think it’s interesting that probably the worst thing out there is e-coli but only if you touch a dirty (fecal covered) seat and then put your hands in your mouth.

Which brings us to the final question on this matter.


Hey you over there....
Yeah...
Are you going to finish that?
Ewwww.
Well at least I’m going to wash my hands!
Ewwww....