What Did He Say and Football Doesn't Take a Break

Did you hear about the new program by the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are really in over their heads. Nobody seems to know what is being said on the wire taps so they’re looking for people to help out.
They have plenty of people who speak Spanish, French (all that Canadian coke coming across the border), Chinese, etc. It seems they are missing a key group of language speakers, Blacks. Yep...you read that correct.

The DEA is looking for Ebonics Translators. When I heard this I was so excited when my coworkers told me. Immediately I thought of the scene from Airplane, “Excuse me stewardess, I speak Jive.” Then I also thought about the Big L song “Ebonics” where he breaks down the slang in rap music. Basically the Government could save a ton of money and just have all their analysts take a listen to the song and they’d be set. However I was a bit disappointed that I had been scooped by the folks over at SB Nation. Heck they even found a YouTube version of the song with the lyrics written out. Well my hats off to you gentlemen. Great minds think alike. But never one to be outdone, I direct your attention to this post over at WuTang Corporation for an even more complete version of how to talk the talk.

But if all this is still a little overwhelming for you, just give me a call. I’d be glad to come in there and provide the “white” translation.

Today, ESPN reports that Notre Dame University and NBC Television have announced a change in NBC’s coverage of Notre Dame football. Unfortunately we still have to endure four hours of gold helmets going nowhere (sometimes backwards) but at least we can do it with shorter commercial breaks. Yep. New head coach, Brian Kelly has brought his “spread” offense over from his last job at University of Cincinatti and frankly he’s worried about viewers missing some of the action. Actually he’s really more worried about his players having to sit around in a TV time out during commercial breaks.

Really? Is that what you’re concerned with? Perhaps we might want to focus on winning games, or start small by moving the football forward on offense. After five years under Charlie Weiss they barely managed to pull a 500 record from their ass (35-27 to be exact). Perhaps we could focus on the whole point of college and make sure our players graduate with degrees (actually on this one they are always in the top 5 schools nationwide with over 90% of their players finishing with a degree).

So today we’ve learned that you only need to listen to rap music to figure out what’s being said on wiretaps and Notre Dame should just go play football and focus on winning now and again. Let the networks worry about the commercials. They are paying your salary. You dig?

Football and the ER

Play the former and you may end up in the latter. Or if you are a certain Yankees fan who wishes to remain nameless you could just go for a run on an unseasonably warm winter day and end up in the latter. That's right sports fans no football involved (well not until later anyway)!

This anonymous fan (besides having horrible taste in baseball teams) slipped on some ice while running in scenic Rock Creek Park and because he, like many of us, wasn't in possession of his cell phone at the time, had to wait in the cool shade for over 30 min before encountering anybody else who could help him. Long history short he has a broken leg that required surgery and a titanium rod insert.

The real story here is not that he will be away from running for up to six months or that his wife (a frequent contributor to these pages) has to take care of him, or even that his dog can't play with him. Rather the moral of the story is don't go running with headphones (ala Mike Wise)

Achey-Breaky-Leg wasn't wearing them but more importantly. Seth (no last name available as of this printing) wasn't either. Seth (of no fixed address) rescued the gimp and helped keep him warm while waiting for the ambulance.

By the time I walked into the ER (he was being held in one of the “psych rooms”...how appropriate) half of the dead leaves from the park were deposited on the floor and in his gurney. The least the EMTs could have done is left a broom or a shop vac or something like that.

The good news is that he is on the mend and already putting pressure on his foot while walking on the crutches. We went over to visit on Sunday night and to watch the J-E-T-S sneak out of San Diego with a great playoff upset. So everybody was happy. Especially yours truly who got to watch the entire game without interruption, Hard Times Chili and Wings, and even some cookie cake. Now if he could just break his leg every week, we may go to the SuperBowl!

Um…see all those people eating Matzos?

Evidently the NFL scheduling wizards forgot to look out of their windows onto the streets of New York City to see all of my Jewish brothers and sisters observing the sacred period of Pesach (Passover) this week. You see if they had they may have remembered that a decent percentage of the population of the greater tri-state area is indeed Jewish. And being even semi observant to the faith means that on certain occasions there are things you don’t do (or don’t miss doing as the case may be).

Included in this is attending services during the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur). The challenge the NFL faced this year are that both holidays fall smack dab on Sundays during football season. For that reason both the NY Giants and the NY Jets asked the NFL not to schedule them for home games those days. The rationale was that the teams did not want to offend/upset/irk/or otherwise bother their season-ticket holders who are of the “faith” to have to decide between being pious and missing the home games or being fans and missing their religion. The idea being that if both teams played road games it wasn’t going to be a financial loss to the fans (this is where I indicate that as a Jew if you sold your tickets to the game on a holiday it would be almost as bad as going to the game itself. Very frowned upon.)

But as you guessed, the league didn’t quite get the message. Oh the Giant games those weeks are on the road, no problem, but somehow the letter from the Jets front office got lost in the NFL HQ mailroom (must have been Michael J. Fox….I never trusted him as a mail clerk…or Christopher Murney for that matter.)

Note to the league… if either of these two holiday’s falls on a Sunday…make sure both NY teams are on the road….it really isn’t that hard to figure out.

Jews out.

Rapunzel, Let Down Your Hair-So I Can Tackle You

There is no way that I really saw that. I couldn’t have. It must have been a wig or an optical illusion or just some dirt on my TV. But perhaps, could I really have seen it? Well you watch the video and tell me:

Evidently I was right, there is a dreadlock on the turf in Piscattaway, NJ at the site of Rutgers’ 63-14 win over Louisville last night. The lock of hair belongs too Jourdan Brooks (locally of Germantown, MD!) after he was tackled after a 60 yard run down the right sideline.

Um...Mr. Brooks...I have two questions. 1) OUCH...didn’t that hurt? (it looks like you dragged the tackler...who also has dreads...for at least 5 yards before going down) and 2) Are you now considering seeing Giuseppe Franco for a new Garry Busey-esque hairstyle?

If you would like to come down and see me when you come home, I have an electric razor with one of those “trimmer” attachments on the back... I can take care of you with that, a scissor, and a razor. We’ll get you all set and shinny before you can say “scat-back”.

On the topic of videos that you must see...I also found this jewel on YouTube. Something about dancing elves and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force....Number 1 in the Hood G!

J-E-T-S

Going to sleep after one hell of a game but two quick thoughts:

1) We're now in 1st place!!!

2) We shouldn't have needed OT to beat the Pats...but I'll take it!

Quality TV Time Tonight

Not much to report today. I have some quality TV time planned with the Mooks tonight as our NY Jets take on the hated Patriots on Thursday night football. I’m very excited about this game as it has the potential to make or break the AFC eastern division.

For the record I’m not a fan of Thursday Night football or even Saturday Football that we see on the last few weeks of the season. There should be only one day a year that Pro Football is played on Thursday and that’s Thanksgiving. Furthermore on turkey day we should only have two games. Between the three games they went to last year and all that tryptophan it’s just too much stuffing!

Gatorade in the Stands, Racists Under Center, and Panhandling

Welcome back dear readers (and deer readers too...I loved you in Bambi). The changes are still being finished up (including those to better the content of the site) but in the meantime the posting needs to continue so here we go with today’s list of things that bother, irk, pester, vex, and generally amuse me.

We start today with football . While at the Jets game this past Sunday I found that the vendors were hawking the usual delectable goodies, beer, beer, beer, hotdogs, beer, and beer. But wait; is that guy over there selling what I think he is? Is that Gatorade? Yes...yes it is. But why? Did the team order too much for the players on the field to use before it went bad and they’re trying to make some of their money back on the purchase? Not likely. Are they fans in the stands subject to extreme heat that could cause them to dehydrate and pass out and desperately need the extra electrolytes provided by the sugary-sweet beverage? Not when it was about 45 degrees at gametime. Oh...it must be because the fans are so rabid that they are jumping up and down at a frenzied pace to equivalize their efforts to that of a marathon runner....humm...that doesn’t seem to be the case either. Instead, I offer the fact that people have become so addicted to the sweetness and the perceived benefits of drinking sports drinks of any kind that it has become akin to soda. Truth be told, you can do just as well drinking water when it comes to moderate athletic activity (30 min and less). I also think that the vending companies could do much better business in the late fall and winter (in the cold parts of the US) by selling cup-of-soup. Just think you could have the beer guy pass the cream of mushroom guy in the isles and people would like up at the concession stand to grab a hot dog and a chicken-noodle or even split pea. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to buy stock in Campbell’s.

Continuing on the football discussion it seems that not everybody in the county is a big fan of our President-elect. Not a surprise as he didn’t gain 100% of the votes. But this story just came across my desk about the back up center for the University of Texas football team, Buck Burnette. On election night Mr. Burnette posted a message on his Facebook Page: “all the hunters gather up, we have a n[#$%&]er in the whitehouse”. Only he didn’t edit that one word. Either way word got to UT head coach Mack Brown who gave Burnette the old heave-ho off the team. In Burnette’s defense, he did post an apology after taking down the quote the next day. Here we go...the kid is only 20 years old from a small town in Texas. His actions were stupid and yet another example of people not getting that FACEBOOK is seen by everybody and nothing you post is ever “private”. Does he deserve to be kicked off the team for the remainder of this season? Yes. However, he should have the opportunity to compete for a slot next season (he’s only a sophomore) but first he needs to issue an apology (in person) to all of his teammates for his comments and letting them down. There are posts out there that argue he should only be suspended for a game or two. I have to disagree as this is the kind of thing that can divide a locker room full of players from all sorts of backgrounds, especially when that team is still in the hunt for the National Championship. It really doesn’t matter what happens because it’s doubtful this kid will come back to play at UT. More then likely he’ll have to transfer to a new campus because of all the pressure and dirty looks he’ll encounter for as long as he stays at UT. My only suggestion as to new locals is for Mr. Burnette to avoid Furman and Grambling...just to be safe.

The one offensive formation that no football team has ever tried is the “Panhandle”, perhaps that’s because it’s hard to beg the defensive team for some change and possibly a touchdown...besides those pants are tight, where would they keep their quarters? I’m reminded of this because of a guy I passed on my way back from lunch with just a cup out in front of him shaking it. What made this the universal sign for “spare some change?”? Is the “ask” (as Mrs. Bloggerman says) different in other countries? I’m not sure and I’m not sure if you really care. I was also interested in the origin of the term “panhandle” and came across this on Yahoo Answers:

"Panhandler" is said to derive from the Spanish "pan", meaning both bread and money (just as the American slang "bread" does today). But though it is supposed to have been first recorded in 1890, the earliest quotation I am able to find for it is in the humorist George Ade's 'Doc Horne'(1899): " He had 'sized' the hustler for a 'panhandler' from the very start". However, the fact that Ade put the word in quotation marks probably indicates that he did not invent it, as has often been claimed. QPB Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins By Robert Hendrickson

Whatever the origin of the term...they do have some great signs (follow this link to DevineCaroline.com’s pictures of the best signs posted). Here are a few of them:

Sons of California...

…is the beginning of the University of California –Berkley (CAL) fight song. It is not however the song that Kevin Hart of Fernley, Nevada will be singing this upcoming fall.

For those of you who didn’t yet hear one of the great stories of this year’s college football recruiting season, Hart held a well attended and reported press conference yesterday to announce that he was going to make a live selection of which college football scholarship he would commit to: Oregon or Cal.

You can read the entire story in the Washington Post, but essentially he picks Cal and the Cal coaching staff says, “Wha, Wha, What? We’ve never heard of this guy and never offered him a scholarship.”

There are two schools (pun intended) of thought as to what happened. Either he made the whole thing up and it was a great Hoax worthy of April 1 status or he, his coach, his parents, and everybody else were horribly duped. I think it’s the later of the two options and while it’s a horrible thing to have happen to you, it will not help any of the current candidates for US President get elected. That actually has nothing to do with the matter but I thought I’d toss that in.

Super Bowl Nitpicking

Without question I need to discuss the Super Bowl from last night. I won’t bore those of you who will be bored by “Xs and Os” but rather I want to touch on three items from last night.

1) Bill Belichick is a “Cheating Creep”

“That Cheating Creep” is how author and commentator Jeffery Toobin referred to Patriots coach Bill Belichick this morning on the Imus in the Morning program on ABC radio this morning. How correct you are Mr. Toobin.

In fact Coach Belichick is the personification of the “me first” society we are currently wrapped up in. Last night as the game was wrapping up, the coaches came to midfield to shake hands and navigate the end of game media circus that is ubiquitous at these games. The problem was that the game clock still had one second remaining and the officials had to clear the field to run the last play of the game. Instead of being the “adult” and model of leadership even in hard times and returning to the sidelines, Belichick retreated to the locker rooms along with some of his players. Now if that’s not cowardly and a sign of “crybaby-ship” then I don’t know what is! Here’s the video of the matter (courtesy of somebody’s home video, posted on AOL sports):

And check out Yahoo.com sports write up on the matter. As they say “That's unsportsmanlike at best, disrespectful at least, and at worst, it makes him a big sissy.” How true.

2) Did Blogger Call This Outcome?

Ms. Blogger made her famous gridiron cake to bring with us to watch the game this year. We were in the kitchen yesterday afternoon decorating and she asked me what to write in the end zones using M&Ms. I stated to say “Giants” and “Pats” but quickly changed my mind on the latter and told her to write “18-1” instead of “Pats”. I have the photographic evidence too (coming later tonight once I upload the pics.) Looks like I should have issued my “triple layered lead pipe lock of the week” given free to the first 100 callers.

3) Best Super Bowl Ads

The Super Bowl is a unique event where we don’t actually get up during the commercial breaks for fear of missing something really creative. This was the first year that I wrote down all the commercials that aired so that I could remember which ones I really liked and which ones were so far off the mark that they should have aired at 3am in-between infomercials and reruns of Three’s Company. For a complete listing go to Spike.com’s 2008 Commercial Bowl

This year, my top three where:

-Coca Cola: Parade Balloons

Parade Balloons - Coca-Cola

Stewie, Underdog and a bottle of Coke. It was charming, well thought out, and made a great point with the perennial looser, Charlie Brown winning in the end. Kind of like the Giants pulling this game out in the end. The ad was not “offensive” or in your face edgy. It was the kind of spot that could air at anytime during any kind of show. I like those the best.

-Audi: Godfather

Godfather - Audi

Ok first things first: This car looks really cool. However the starting price is over $100k so it’s not quite in the wheelhouse of most viewers. With that said, if you understood the commercial from the opening seconds then you’ve both seen “The Godfather” and you have the intelligence to earn that kind of money. (Note: Your Wife may Divorce you if you come home in one of them however) This ad was also well through out and didn’t have to use some “star of the moment” to push a crappy product.

-Tide: My Talking Stain

My Talking Stain - Procter & Gamble

Again, well thought out and really funny approach to selling detergent. This is a product that doesn’t have built in sex appeal like a car and used actors who couldn’t even get into an American Idol tryout. Another nice aspect to it was that it made you think. For the first few seconds you just really don’t know what’s going on and then you can figure it out. Thanks for making me do a bit of thinking on a day when thinking really isn’t mandatory.

Finally I have one company who should just stop advertising: SalesGenie.com. Their two spots offended me and that’s hard to do. In one ad they used a stereotypical Indian (Asian) voice and in the other a Chinese voice. Both were poorly done and weren’t well planed, nor is the product any good to begin with either.