I Do Not Bleed Burgundy and Gold

Do you?  At last check, mine is dark red but not really "burgundy".

Well I thought going to the Red Cross and donating blood was a good way to give back to the community. Evidently I was mistaken because sports sponsorship has now sunken to a new low. According to the ad I just saw, the National Captial Chapter of the American Red Cross is the “official blood donation” sponsor of the Washington Redskins. Huh?

Yeah...now NFL teams are accepting blood donations (or sponsors anyway). While I’m all for getting more donors (unless you take my appointment) I don’t know how they go hand in hand with Football. Sure the hits are violent, but I don’t ever remember seeing the trainers administering a blood transfusion on the sidelines.

There is also nothing wrong with offering football tickets as an incentive to get a pint or two donation. It’s more practical then the cheep umbrellas that fall apart under the slightest of dampness or t-shirts that are so thin you can see through to the person behind me. But why the need to align with the NFL? How many other blood donor centers are there in the area that you can actually think to become the “official” anything?
Other then the Red Cross, you have the Inova Hospital chain in Northern Virginia and that’s about it. You are the freakin’ Red Cross! When somebody thinks of blood they think of you (and Dracula but that’s another entry about the dangers of watching Twilight!). A long while back there used to be centers that would actually pay you money for you blood. Nobody does that anymore. So if there’s no money, and no more Coke products (only juice), just give away the tickets and drop the stupid sponsorship thing!

Don’t Sue Me...I’m Not Kissing Him

But I am giving him the beginning steps of CPR. What does that stand for? I have no idea...perhaps it’s Crap, People are Reading (this blog!).

Today, you’re hero (that’s me...why do I have to keep reminding you of this??) took a training course on CPR and use of the AED (defibrillator) sponsored by the Red Cross. It was an excellent course and I highly encourage you all to look into taking it. Feel free to check with your local Red Cross chapter on availability.

During the training, they are very careful to point out the Good Samaritan law. Essentially all 50 states have laws on the books that protect people who arrive on the scene and provide first aid, with the provision that the person getting the aid has ok’ed it (if they are conscious and able to talk). But here’s the kicker, you can’t get any money out of this. In other words, if I help you by giving you CPR after you passed out from one-to-many Grey Goose martinis, I can’t charge you for the services I’d provided or I’d no longer be a “good Samaritan” but rather a professional. I want to fight this last point.

Therefore I am establishing the following guidelines for you to follow when trying to properly reward me for the small favor of SAVING YOUR LIFE.

Let’s start with the basics. If it’s something small like you’ve just had too much to drink the reward can be small...say...100 tacos (assorted crunchy and soft) or a really nice dinner out at The Melting Pot. As the need for emergency assistance grows bigger, then the “reward” should grow accordingly as well. For choking or serious falls, this space recommends a new watch or laptop computer. And for the really big stuff like cardiac arrest or other life-threatening condition, protocol dictates a 2 week, all expenses paid, vacation to the Caribbean island(s) of said rescuer’s choosing.

Take your time and mull this over but those are the conditions. If you are not ready to meet these conditions or feel that they are unfair or over burdensome well tough noogies to you.

This post is obviously in jest and no “rewards” or payment of any kind will be necessary for any emergency first aid that I am certified to provide...however if you feel the need to bake me some cookies, my favorite kind are chocolate chip with the crispy edges and soft gooey middle stuff.