Fast This? Fast You!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

My ancestors were either 1) dilusional or 2) told by the "big guy" himself or 3) just decided that it would be a fun way to spend the day; by fasting from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).

Why fasting and not flogging like some Muslims partake in during The Day of 'Ashura?  I'd even think about some ashes like the Catholics on that Spring Wednesday. Fasting is way tougher and I want to take this moment to run down the different phases so that you the reader can adequetly judge where you are in the process without looking at your watch.






Stage 1: Pre Sun Down Meal
It has become a sort of tradition that my friends and I gather at a local factory that produces, oh say, cheesecake, to consume mass quantities of food prior to the fast beginning. I'm not clear why we continue to abuse our stomachs and digestive tracks this way but who am I to mess with "tradition". A typical meal consists of shared appetizers and breads, a main course, and of course, the cheesecake dessert. While I don't have an accurate calorie count, my best guess says 5,000+. Not exactly the kind of thing Bob or Jillian would like to see but we do it for the cause (and to make sure we hit that "sin of gluttony" line in the prayerbook)  By the end of this stuff-fest we are all belly-aching and I for one have enough gas building up to power my car for a few weeks unleaded-free.

Stage 2: Sundown to Bed
I'm still very full and feeling plenty sick. My GI track is starting to back up something fierce and I'm thinking of breaking the fast very early by reaching for the Tums. Chasing a 21 month old around a room to get him to quiet down isn't helping things. I'd also really like some more water to wash down the reminents of the oreo cheesecake stuck in my teeth

Stage 3: Partially Restless Night
Do you ever get that feeling that you need to take some water in the middle of the night? The toothpaste you used before hitting the sack is still on your tongue, and the scratchy cough could easily be soothed with just a few sips. No luck...force yourself back to bed several times and hope the dog doesn't decide now would be a good time to share the taste of her ass with your lips.

Stage 4: The Next Morning
By now you'd kill for some water but toothpaste will have to do. Can I drink this stuff? Probably not a good idea. The fullness from the night before has come and gone and now you're trying to fight your normal routine of filling up the coffee pot and breaking out the cereal. You are still in your right mind though and not yet getting faint or dizzy. Time to take the dog and the kid on an early morning walk to kills some time. OK, back. It was a bit warmer out there then I planned on. No water yet, time to get to services.

Stage 5: Midday
I've made it through the bulk of the morning service. It's nice when all those people can lend their body heat (and some their body odor) to help me get just drowsy enough during the upcoming sermon that I'll pass out for about a 20 min snoozer. At least I listened to the Rabbi last night and didn't wear leather shoes today. Just my Vibram 5-Fingers...the official sneaker of partially observant only part of the time jews everywhere. (I think that should be their next marketing slogan!) Starting to get a little light headed and could definitely go for some water or a beer.

Stage 6: Afternoon
Now you're getting woozy. You're home from services and even after driving the extra long way home you still have almost 4 hours to go before you can even think of breaking fast. This is crunch time in my book. It's where we separate the quitters from the fasters (of something like that). Time to read a cookbook so if I can't have food I can at least plan future adventures. I pick up a great birthday present in the Siracha Cookbook and delve into plans for siracha salt and cheddar siracha swirl bread. All this reading is making me dizzy and sleep finally sets in. After another vivid dream (this time Justin Maxwell is making an amazing catch in center field.)

Stage 7: Just Minutes Till Sunset
Dizzy, Grumpy, Thirsty, as well as the rest of the dwarfs are setting in now and the worst part is I'm at my parent's apartment just looking at the tables of bagels, fish spreads, cheese, vegetables, fruit, cookies, pastries, juice, coffee, etc. If it were up to me, the hell with my friends showing up, I'm going on a shovel fest. But we all know that wouldn't be right, it will be just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes...ok you're all here why aren't we eating yet?

Stage 8: The Final Frontier
As we nosh on bagels, whitefish, cheese, juice, and desserts I start to feel a little closer to normal (that's MY normal, not yours). But it gets me thinking, back in biblical times my people fasted. But at "services" they didn't use prayer books and have afternoon naps. Nope...they sacraficed animals over an open flame. They were essentially making barbeque during prayer. So here you are fasting for 24+ hours and the whole time the priest at the front of the room is roasting up some goat or ram or sheep. It's a good thing that Salt Lick wasn't around back then. I would have had run up with a few bottles and brushes and gone to town.

For my friends/readers/web-based strangers who observe, may your fast have been an easy one and next year at the BBQ joint!
 

You Can't Say That About a Jewish Carpenter

These days it seems that everybody gets to have a roast that quickly gets turned around into a Comedy Central special. There was a time, not that long ago, when the likes of Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin were slinging the one liners at the Friar’s Club in New York and the guest of honor was just really “honored” to be there. Over time the roast has lost some of it luster and become more of a mainstream event. But even with the increased attention and subsequent television coverage there are still those that go out of their way to make fools of themselves, usually with disastrous results. Many of you may remember Ted Danson in 1993 appearing on stage in blackface while roasting Whoopi Goldberg. Well it turns out that people just can’t leave well enough alone…

Earlier this month, ESPN’s Dana Jacobson was one of the presenters chosen to roast the 4-letter Radio hosts Mike Greenberg and Mike Golick in Atlantic City. By most accounts, Ms. Jacobson was becoming intimate with a bottle Belvedere before she got up on stage and started to ramble a bit too much. Her “set” included an unfortunate “F-Jesus” in reference to Golik’s days as a footballer for the Irish of Notre Dame. Most of the details of the story are in The Atlantic City Press.

As a penalty for her behavior, she was suspended by ESPN for one week and to her credit she took responsibility and issued this apology,

"I am sorry. My remarks about Notre Dame were foolish and insensitive. I respect all religions and did not mean anything derogatory by my poorly chosen words. ...

"My actions at the roast were inappropriate and in no way represent who I am. I won't make excuses for my behavior, but I do hope I can be forgiven for such a poor lack of judgment."

Now onto the reason that this suspension and apology comes out on Tuesday, January 22 when she made the initial comments on Saturday, January 12: it turns out that ESPN probably wouldn’t have done anything other then editing out Jacobson’s “set” when they aired the roast later this month but the religious fanatics came out of the wood works and protested. They included the Catholic League. And now the 4-Letter’s response may not have been good enough. According to a report in the Detroit Free Press, Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, a Catholic rights group, said ESPN's response might be lacking, though, if Internet reports are true that her targets included Touchdown Jesus and Jesus.

Why is it that crazy fanatics can pull their kids out of school to march on Capitol Hill to protest abortion, saying that if you believe in Pro-Choice then you are a heathen and going straight to hell, but when the J-man comes up as a target of effigy then all of the sudden the world should stop and the person slinging the comments should be nailed to the cross? Humm…sounds like a double standard to me. If you want freedom of speech, fine, say whatever you want about whomever you want (excluding me of course). But if you want to keep your religious beliefs holy, keep them there quietly in your own house of worship.

Another note on this debacle of a roast was “headlining comedian” Eddie “I’m still a relevant angry black man” Griffin and his line: "I kind of know my career is over when I'm hired to roast two white guys I never (expletive) heard of." Perhaps ESPN should review the jokes before their read. Or better yet, let’s not “hire” people to do the roast; instead let’s try to find friends and family who actually know the guests of honor to sling the dirt. That way we could keep this debacle to 40 minutes (including the 20 minute musical set by a band that has also never heard of Mike and Mike).