No Means No

Why does the summer always remind me of dog's pooping? Last year at about this time, I wrote about the inaccuracies of public signs asking you to pick up after your pet.  But a new sign has raised my ire.

That's right, IRE.  During my "free agency" period, I've had some time to help out friends who are getting their house ready to sell. During my commute over there I noticed one of their neighbors had a small 12" sign on their lawn near the driveway. From a distance it looked like a small dog sitting there.

Isn't that sweet?  They love their dog (like many of us do) and have a little sign next to their mailbox. Then as I got closer it occurred to me that there was writing on the sign. Well gee, I hope their pooch didn't head to the rainbow bridge and this was one of their ways to memorialize him.

I don't think any of us who share our lives with pets are ever ready to have them leave us so I started getting a little sad. But as I got even closer I was able to read the writing on the sign. "NO!"

Huh? Who names their dog No?  Then it hit me. These troglodytes are trying to tell people walking their dogs that this lawn is not to be pooped on.  Under no circumstances is your canine to defecate on this patch of grass. Do you hear me??

Well let me tell you something about dogs. They are going to go where they are going to go. There is very little controlling that part...it's one of the first things you learn when you bring Fido (or NO) home. A small (or large) sign is not going to stop Spot from...well....spotting your lawn.

You, the homeowner (or gardener), need to be more concerned with the two legged monkey on the other end of the leash. They are the ones with the opposable thumbs. The thumbs that have allowed man to drill for oil and turn that raw crude into thin sheets of plastic. The thumbs that have allowed us to build machines to shape that small plastic into bag shape. The thumbs that take those bags and tie them to Rover's leash.

It's not the dogs fault your lawn looks like a green pool with some floating Baby Ruth's floating around. It's the owners fault. They need to pick up after their 4-legged friend. So I am proposing a new sign. It's going to be quite a bit larger then 12" though so I have to warn you.

The new sign should stand 6 foot tall and should show the same dog pooping, plus a guy holding a leash. Then add a picture of shotgun aimed at his head along with the text, "Dog Poops. You Don't Pick Up. You Die."  It's sweet, simple, and to the point.

Your neighbors are going to love you!

Drown the Children

Or at least the underperforming ones anyway. I am of course referring to the sign at my kid's swimming school (see left).

Why do you need a sign like this in the first place? Well Captain Obvious says, "signs that speak common sense are there because somebody didn't practice it."

I can just imagine a crazy parent screaming at their kid (while pounding on the 2-way glass separating the pool and the viewing area), "Damn it...you're 2 years old...get your lazy ass in gear and start swimming!" I think there would probaby be a few more explatives in there but I'm trying to keep these pages clean (sorta).

It does really worry me that we would need that kind of obvious reminder and what really must have taken place to necessitate such signage. And I get a sneaking suspicion it wasn't just one parent doing this one time. This feels like repeat offenders multiple times.

All I know is, as the Kid learns to swim, I'm going slow and letting him do just that, learn. Now when the time comes for him to start playing baseball...I can't promise the same level of restraint.  Just sayin'..