Why Religion Rots Your Brain

In The West Texas Town of El Paso.....

So the song goes. And it reminds us just how crazy those Texans are (wasn’t the last 8 years of Jr. enough to prove that). But today I want to shift your attention about 10.5 hrs east of El Paso to Bryan, a suburb of College Station.

It seems that the Pachuca family had a little birdie come down to their property and pay a visit. As anybody who parks outside and just washed their car will tell you, this visit usually ends with the bird making a “deposit” on your freshly washed car. Such was the case here, except the Pachuca’s are not your typical wack-job Texans.

Nope...They belong to the “religious wack-job” group who think that the Virgin Mary (that Jesus guy’s mom), Sacred symbol in many Catholic faiths, appear in everyday occurrences. In the past there have been cases of Mary showing up in a grilled cheese sandwich, a pan pizza (she really must have a thing for dairy), a dirty office building window, even an Irish tree stump. But now we’ve sunk from the mundane into the disgusting as the Pachuca’s are claiming they see Mary in the dried bird crap on the side view mirror of their truck.

Your religious preferences and beliefs aside, how do you not laugh at this abomination of faith?? I just want to understand this before I break out into uncontrollable laughter again. You think that the (according to your faith) the Mother of the Son of G-d and the savior to your people decided to appear to you in the form of bird droppings? Ok got it now. HA!

Is it funny to anybody else how Hindus don’t go around the place claiming to have seen Ganesha in a bowl of vindeloo curry at Trader Joe’s or a Muslim saying he saw Allah in his ring around the collar? Why is it only Mary who appears in everyday stuff? Makes you really have to consider if too much religion really rots your mind.

I have to go now. I think it’s my turn to be struck by lighting!

6 Degrees of Zac Effron?

No wait, that’s not right. It’s supposed to be six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but not anymore.

Yes you did hear it correctly. Paramount Pictures in their ultimate wisdom, er, attempt to make a quick buck, are remaking the 1984 classic film about rebel kids, music, and dancing in a small, conservative Iowa town. The remake (scheduled for 2008 release) will star High School Musical lead, Zac Efron.

I will choose to forgo the ease of shooting Mr. Eforn’s illustrious acting ability in the proverbial barrel just as I won’t even begin to start in on the spelling of his name or his hair, all of which should be enough to beat him to a bloody pulp and stuff him in the locker. Instead I will choose the folks at Paramount Pictures to be the target of my latest wrath.

It seems that when the major studios are not busy releasing the 43^rd sequel to any movie that was even remotely popular and thus diluting our fine cinematic heritage they are remaking part of my childhood. Now I held my tongue when the Incredible Hulk was remade into a computer generated stinker, likewise I won’t even fret about Alvin and the Chipmunks (although those folks should also hang upside down by their toenails). But I cannot find the same restraint here.

According to interviews with creators Craig Zadan and Neil Meron (Zadan was a creator of the original movie), they are going to use the same premise and some of the same songs but “…will have brand new arrangements that will make them more appropriate for a contemporary audience.”

AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That was the sound of me screaming at the top of my lungs! Why??? Do you not have a single good, ORIGINAL, idea left.

Ok now that I’ve got that out of my system, I have some questions for the creators:

1) You are going to use the same premise? How? In what part of this country is rock music and dancing still taboo? The catch to the original was that it was the devil’s music and the Christian (there they go again running my fun) community was totally against it. How can that still apply? For crying out loud, they have their own genre of music (several of them) and those genres have their own high powered radio stations, section of the music store, and video channels.

2) You are going to “have …new…arrangements…”? So now “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” is going to be an R&B inspired tune sung by Rhianna or some other no talent Shakira type? Deniece Williams might not be dead but is surely rolling over in her grave.

Kevin Bacon was asked about his thoughts on this new project and basically said that it’s not a remake of the 1984 movie but rather a movie about the late 90’s Broadway show. Either way, it’s a disgrace and a big reason why I’m so picky about the movies I drop $10+ on in the theaters.

So again I task you the readers with a to-do-list.

#1) Do NOT go to see this movie. If you even overhear two people talking in the street about going to see this movie, beat them senseless.

#2) Please get in contact with Mr. Brad Grey, Paramount Pictures CEO (5555 Melrose Ave, Hollywood, CA 90038.) You can also call him at 323-956-5000 or e-mail at: Brad.Grey@paramountstudios.com (e-mail may bounce).

By the way, Zac Efron has a Bacon number of 2:
Zac Efron was in Hairspray (2007) with Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah was in Beauty Shop (2005) with Kevin Bacon

Thanks for your time and have a Happy New Year!

What is it about Republicans and Christianity?

Why does it always seem that members of the GOP feel the need to remind their constituents that Christianity is a major religion and many times impose the weight of the US Government in "endorsing" it? America is still without an "official religion" right? Just checking. I mean after reading this tidbit in today's Des Moins Register:

Rep. Steve King’s, R-Iowa, Christmas resolution — “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith” — boasted 58 co-sponsors, and was set for a voice vote shortly afterward. But a roll call vote was demanded, which postponed the vote until the evening.

Why does Representative King feel the need to waist the people's time and money (he is one of those previously mentioned tax-payer financed salary drawers) with this dribble? Was he not sure that the entire free world is Christian (except for 1/2 who are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Pastafarian, and others)? Was he confused because his local Walmart had up Christmas decorations a few days before LABOR DAY? Or is it just that he's a giant sack of dog vomit? My money is on the later.

There were 9 "no" votes on the floor of the House last night (Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY), Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY), Rep. Diana DeGette (D-CO), Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-FL) (FL), Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA), Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA), Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and Rep. Lynn Woolsey (D-CA).). My hats off to these Congressmen/Women (some of whom are Jewish...imagine that...there are people who aren't Christian!!!). They stood up for the American value of Freedom of Religion and not "An attack on Christianity" as Rep Dog Vomit (I mean King) said in a release on his website this morning.

So once again I ask you my loyal readers to get off your ass and write the Congressman as well as your own and tell him exactly what you think of him and his "Christian American Values".

Now with that out of the way this might shock you. I am 100% in agreement with Ralph Reed. For those of you who don't remember, Mr. Reed was the head of the "Christian Coalition" and an ever present advocate of those same "Christian Values" in Washington, DC for many years. But now he is quoted as saying in today's DC Examiner:

Ralph Reed: Religion questions are getting invasive

December 12, 3:47 AM

Guess Ralph Reed isn’t a fan of all the attention being given to Mitt Romney’s religion lately. The former head of the Christian Coalition recently had this to say to Religious News Service: “We have been conducting doctrinal frisks and theological GI-tract exams of our candidates and we have to remember that these candidates are not running for president of the seminary and they’re not running for pastor in chief. They’re running to be commander in chief at a time of global war on terrorism.”

Kudos to Mr. Reed for (unintentionally ??) pointing out that all this crap about the candidates' faith needs to stop. I don't care if Romney is Mormon. If he's the best candidate, then I'll vote for him (not going to happen). Or if Obama was Muslim and was the best candidate I'd vote for him. Hell I'd even vote for Clinton if I thought she was the best (and she's friggin Satan) but I just don't care about the candidate's religion and if you do and it affects your decision making process then you don't deserve to vote. If Congress had any guts they would ban any political campaigning in places of worship or any (even implied) influence of religious figures in their constituency's voting. The punishment for conviction would be loss of their tax exempt status or just death.

As somebody once said to a Christian protester outside of a movie, "If this geek is getting into Heaven, then I'll hang out in hell!"

To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk

My Teeth Hurt and Spreading the Word

I went to the dentist today, got a cleaning, and now they hurt. The thing about it is that it's not one particular tooth that hurts, but rather that they all hurt. There's nothing much you can do for me but I wanted to share with you.

Also of interest in this dentist's office is the poster in the exam room I was in. He (or somebody on his staff) has thoughtfully placed it on the ceiling in direct view of the chair when tilted back. I like the way he thinks. There is nothing more painful then being poked and prodded with sharp instruments in a Steve Martin kind of way and having to look up at ceiling tiles or even worse, unpainted dry wall.

Last night was Halloween and the Mooks and I were home to hand out candy to the little childrens who came by. Unfortunately they were all with parents so we couldn't drag them in to the house and make them weave rugs in the basement for profit (I kid....if you took that seriously, get out). But I recently read about a tradition that I was unaware of until now. It seems that some of our Christian brothers and sisters who don't like the "Satan worship" portion of the night will not take part. I don't have issue with that because if you want to be a spoil sport then go ahead (and move while you're at it). But what really got me was this blog entry which came up on an unrelated search. Evidently instead of "boycotting" the holiday these folks think it's a good idea to spread the word.

Let me share something with you. Give me candy or prepare to have your house egged! Furthermore, Jesus doesn't love you nor does G-d want you to spread his message by handing out pamphlets to little impressionable children. And if and when I'm lucky enough to bring a child into this world and raise them, if they ever come home with one of these in their bag, I will come to your house, knock on the door, and then go on to list all of the sins you have committed over the past year and recount for you all of the reasons you should be taken up to the roof and thrown off.

That's a little dark but so is the bottom of my empty coffee cup.