Happy 50% Off Leftover Candy

Technically I think the sugar hearts are 90% off but consult your local CVS for official pricing. Remember stock is limited and restrictions apply. If you choose to actually bite into one of those hearts, Brachs, CVS and their subsidiaries assume no responsibility for any dental injuries whether real or imagined.

For some its Black Friday, others love the day after Christmas. But for me nothing beats the day after Valentine's Day for shopping. Maybe it's my love of everything chocolate or maybe it's because my people can't walk away from a sale but as Daria puts it, "[its] the day I really get out there and do my bit for America's economy."

There are alot of you out there who are hovering over the "send" button with a smart ass comment about why the day after Easter is the better day for candy markdowns. Tisk tisk haters. Easter features way to much jelly beans and other non chocolate confections. Maybe if I were trying to channel Ronald Reagan but it's not for me. Besides, Valentine's Day is almost exclusively chocolate. Sure you have the sugar hearts but I read disclaimers and know better than to get involved with dental risks (didn't you read about sugar daddies?).

I also love to see what's still left on the store shelves this morning. It helps me get a firm grip on the desperation levels sunk to last night as hundreds of men suddenly realized the reason that all their female coworkers had flowers on their desks yesterday.

Mrs Bloggerman (and baby) and I enjoyed Valentines in a box from our friends at Balducci's market. When I stopped by yesterday to pick it up, the store was a tornado of activity with people scooping up anything that even had a red label. The catering manager says that once they run out of flowers, those who are truly desperate will start grabbing leafy vegetables. Here honey. I love you much I want you to have these carrots.

I'd believe it and next year my lady may be getting a bowl of salad.

Eating a Sugar Daddy

Yeah you heard me. This had become a literal sticking point in the NBLJ office (the professional office where I write this unprofessional piece of crap). We're talking loosened crowns and fillings, chipped teeth, and other assorted dental injuries.

Today is Valentine's Day and there is a lot of candy flying around the place. This is clearly serious business! But why? We were all kids once. I don't know about you but I always liked getting a few sugar daddies in my trick-or-treat bag. Sure they weren't as good as king size snickers but certainly rank higher than that popcorn ball or the box of raisins.

Here's the rub, we've forgotten how to eat them. I'm not sure how this proof of evaluation occurred but I suspect it had something to do with the influx of the combination of splenda and whole grain quinoa into on regular diets. We have also eliminated our daily ration of jawbreakers. This has lead to us forgetting that you can't just put something into your account mouth and chomp down on it.

There are still treats out there that need to be savored, not rushed. When you don't head this warning, bad stuff happens. In the case of our high-fructose corn syrup based candy wrapped in a yellow and red coat, the result can be painful.

So let's talk about proper form. First, do not freeze a Sugar Daddy!. This works with chocolates and peppermint patties only. They are already hard, don't make it more difficult. Second, unwrap and save the paper. You may want to take a break part way through and you'll need somewhere to lay it down. Third, DO NOT BITE DOWN! I can't stress this part enough. 99% of dental injuries suffered when eating candy occur because some schmuck decided to try chewing a giant piece of hard, solid sugar and corn syrup.The best course of action is to suck on the pop, much the same way as a lollypop (get your minds up here people). This might take a long time (1-4 hours depending on the size of the original item) but it is well worth it. Not only can you stretch out a $.50 piece of candy but think of the extra calories that you'll burn in the process. Any time you can eat candy and loose weight is a win-win in my book.

Bottom line, please check with your dental professional before beginning any candy eating regimen. NBLJ is not responsible for any teeth you loose nor will this site work in conjunction with the tooth fairy to provide you monetary compensation for lost bridges, crowns or fillings.

You Want to Eat There? But it’s Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day, the Hallmark-created holiday to beat all others, is built up as the “Most Romantic Day” of the year. As a guy, it is our duty to put things off until the last minute and then hustle to the dollar store (as I did) or to the gas station to get roses and chocolate inflated to roughly twenty times their actual retail value.

Many of you, no doubt, had grand plans this year to take your sweetie, honey, significant other, tax-deduction out to a nice dinner before springing the big surprise of the night (a half-eaten box of Russell-Stover chocolates with only the coconut crèmes left!). But have you thought about where you take them and what it says about you? Borrowing a topic that Seth mentioned earlier last week, here are some restaurants that you might want to think twice about before stepping out on February 14th:

Guapos/Uncle Julio’s/insert casual dining Tex/Mex restaurant here. What rattling around in that little brain of yours thinks that combining subpar ethnic food containing nothing but gas producing items (beans, cheese, hot sauce) and a romantic meal is an equation for “getting some”? I might reconsider if it’s one of those high-class joints that makes the guacamole table side and doesn’t use “we’re just like Taco Bell” in their marketing materials, but chances are your town doesn’t have a place like this.

Outback/Longhorn/Ponderosa Steak House. If you are living in such a remote location that this is the only place to get a piece of grilled/charred animal flesh then I guess you have no choice (nothing says “do me” than a bloody cow’s ass sitting on my plate with a pile of grey mashed potatoes and vegetables that make you seriously consider if it’s time to give up fresh food altogether.

Any Place That Serves Pizza. It doesn’t matter if it’s California Pizza Kitchen, Famous Original Rays or Dominoes....unless you are alone at a table for one/on your couch in your underwear there’s no excuse for pizza. Try to be just a little bit more creative.

Any Place That Serves Chili. I love my local Chili establishment. I’d eat there everyday if I could but it’s just not a place to bring the person you’re sweet on for V-Day. If you’re questioning why, see the reason for not going out for Mexican food.

I’m not doubting that any of the above choices are better then grabbing a burger at Mickey D’s or Jack in the Box but they should only be considered after exhausting every other option, including faking your own death to get out of actually going for dinner altogether. These are the facts and I’m just helping bring them to light.

Baltimore, Austin, and Horse Poop

Another weekend of races and planning races as Bloggerman competed in the 2009 Baltimore Half Marathon this past weekend in...well...Baltimore. A finally dressed runner (see the picture) completed the race in a new PR of 1 hr 48 min and 38 seconds. That’s a full minute faster then the previous record, however that was while eating donuts so I need to step up my game.

Brian, get 26 sausages ready for consumption. I’m coming to Austin and you’re gonna be doing some eating! It was your mistake to bet me that you’d eat a sausage for every mile I run in the 2010 Austin Marathon. I’m a stand up guy and will forget that you should technically have 2/10’s of a 27th sausage for the spare distance. That’s right, marathon number 20 on Valentine’s Day 2010, and per your suggestion carb loading on Tex Mex it is. Sweet!

Another open letter to the dog: If you see horse poop on the side of a trail, leave it alone. Don’t sniff it. Don’t lick it. Don’t eat it. And for crying out loud: don’t roll in it. Did you think you were cute? Did you think that your buddy Dylan would think you were cooler if you did it? Don’t you realize how bad you stink? Don’t you know I have to bathe you so I don’t vomit from the smell? The worst part was that we had to throw Dylan in the bathtub too...he’s worse then you in there. How can you both be afraid of bath water but will jump into any creak or river without a moment’s hesitation? As our people say: Oy Vey!