Dear Nike, Die

It's not me, it's you. We used to have something back in the day. Maybe it was Michael who brought us together with his mighty airness. I don't know for sure.

But I do know that was then. I've grown up now. I no longer need a swoosh on my chest or foot to know I'm in good hands. You however still are seeking attention and devoted fans, never just happy with what you have.

Sure when I started running, I looked to you and your fancy wares but I realized that you were mostly flash and gimmicks. You didn't care about my foot, all you wanted was the next best thing. Others actually cared, and showed it.

Now you're scraping the bottom of the barrel and going after my eyeballs. It started out on the west coast when you tested your evil depraved plans in Eugene under the banner of "helping the program." I have to admit, I watched because it was novel. What crazy shade(s) of green would the Ducks be sporting this week? But you've stretched out that piece of taffy and last year you took your plan nationwide and convinced weaker minds at Adidas and Under Armour to work with you in making college athletes look even more ridiculous then before.

Still, I let that slide. But now you are out of control! I opened my paper this morning to find what can only be described as a mix between leftover XFL jerseys dipped in silver paint and dragged through a tub of glitter that may, or may not, have an emblem belonging to the Washington Redskins.

I can't be sure but I think it may glow in the dark. That's probably a good thing because the team wearing them may need to escape laughing fans under cover of night. As an astute apple magnate observed, "... I may have to beat them up and steal their lunch money. " He's saying this about 300 pound strong men who could squish him like a grape. Do you see how you're raping our eyes?

In light of all the evil in this world and all the malice spread over the airwaves, I thought that a little more wouldn't hurt. So, Nike, please get out of my life and the lives of every seeing person who you continue to infect with your perverse brand of design.

Yours Truly,
Bloggerman

I Do Not Bleed Burgundy and Gold

Do you?  At last check, mine is dark red but not really "burgundy".

Well I thought going to the Red Cross and donating blood was a good way to give back to the community. Evidently I was mistaken because sports sponsorship has now sunken to a new low. According to the ad I just saw, the National Captial Chapter of the American Red Cross is the “official blood donation” sponsor of the Washington Redskins. Huh?

Yeah...now NFL teams are accepting blood donations (or sponsors anyway). While I’m all for getting more donors (unless you take my appointment) I don’t know how they go hand in hand with Football. Sure the hits are violent, but I don’t ever remember seeing the trainers administering a blood transfusion on the sidelines.

There is also nothing wrong with offering football tickets as an incentive to get a pint or two donation. It’s more practical then the cheep umbrellas that fall apart under the slightest of dampness or t-shirts that are so thin you can see through to the person behind me. But why the need to align with the NFL? How many other blood donor centers are there in the area that you can actually think to become the “official” anything?
Other then the Red Cross, you have the Inova Hospital chain in Northern Virginia and that’s about it. You are the freakin’ Red Cross! When somebody thinks of blood they think of you (and Dracula but that’s another entry about the dangers of watching Twilight!). A long while back there used to be centers that would actually pay you money for you blood. Nobody does that anymore. So if there’s no money, and no more Coke products (only juice), just give away the tickets and drop the stupid sponsorship thing!

A New Year, A New Coach, and A New Trophy

Welcome 2010. Hell it can’t be any worse then 2009. Actually for me it started out on a pretty high note. About 10 hours into the new year one finely dressed young man (see picture) stepped up and started the year the way he started last year, by setting a PR in the Montgomery County Road Runners New Years Day 5k. 21:56 was the chip time which was about 30 seconds faster then last year. Word.

The New Year also brings changes. Many of those take place in the National Football League as the regular season wraps up (way to go JETS for crushing the cats from Cincy last night to grab the last playoff spot!) and owners figure that now would be a good time to cut the coaches who aren’t getting the job done. If you had the misfortune to follow the Redskins for the past few years you knew that Jim Zorn was going to suffer one of those cuts at the end of this season. The team’s owner, Dan Snyder, brought in a new management team and their desire to change directions combined with the teams poor performance over the last few...err...dozen years sealed Zorn’s fate. The thing is that Snyder decided to drop the preverbal axe as soon as the team arrived back from their final game in San Diego yesterday. I have two issues to take up here. The first is that the team’s announcement didn’t come out until 4am this morning. This assured the team wouldn’t be ripped on any of the NFL wrap up shows or in the morning papers. Classy job there Dan...I guess old habits die hard. The second item is actually a little more theoretical but still is sticking in my craw. The weather here in DC has been cold to a fault. The wind chill has dipped into the negative degree side of the thermometer and I can think of several places in the Arctic Circle that might be warmer right now. The Skins finished the season in sunny, warm San Diego. Why couldn’t the team notify the coach that he was fired right then and there? Give him a voucher for a first class ticket and just box his office up for him and ship it to any address he asks? This way he can either ride back with the team and clean out his office the next day if he wants or he can stay for a few days in the warmth of the California sunshine (and see if the Chargers might need some help in the coaching ranks for next season!). The way I see it is if he’s going to be axed he might as well get a vacation out of it

Speaking of football....this time on the Fantasy side of things. I am here to proclaim that “Third Floor 3xDope” has just been declared the Best League In Town (BLIT) Champions with a dramatic 2 week win over the Alexandria Parcells. The difference in the end was figuring how to balance the star players that got you to the finals with the real world performances in the last weeks of the season. If they’re playing for a playoff-bound team it is very possible they might sit a large portion of the last few games (ie: Payton Manning, my starting QB!) which means that you have to rely on second string talent like Alex Smith (San Fran) and Vince Young (Tenn). But it worked and I will gladly hold the fictional championship trophy (no Shiva to keep me warm at night!)

Well That Didn’t Work

Try again Danny Snider. Clearly pulling the duty of calling the offensive plays from the head coach and handing it to a guy who was calling Bingo numbers a few weeks earlier didn’t work. Your team still lost. (note here: we didn’t turn on the game until part way thru the 2nd quarter. As we were switching over to the game, Mrs. Bloggerman turns to me and says, “What do you think the score is.?” “17-0,” I replied. Well damned if when the channel changed over the score wasn’t 17-0 Eagles. I’m just that good!)

Do Danny-Boy lets recap what you’ve tried since purchasing the Redskins to create a wining team:

1) Replace the Head Coach
-Yep....you’ve run the gamut from Marty to The ‘Ole Ball Coach to bringing Gibbs out of retirement, and now trying the “rookie” in Zorn....nothing yet

2) Replace the Coaching Staff
-Yep...how many defensive coordinators has it been? 10-11? I’ve yet to see them lead the league in anything

3) Change the Quarterback
-Check...We’ve had Johnson, Wurfull, Rosenfeld, Campbell, and numerous others. I wouldn’t even be surprised to see Favre suit up in the Burgundy and Gold next season.

4) Move the team
-Well you haven’t officially moved the team but you did take away the location of “Raljon” (former owner’s creation) away and just listed your address as Landover, MD.

There are only two things he hasn’t tried yet that might break this bad luck streak. Now brace yourselves because this could be shocking:

1) Sell the Team. This isn’t going to happen but we could always dream
2) Fire Vinnie Serato and bring in a real General Manager to oversee the team. The GM is supposed to pick what players get signed, drafted, cut, etc. Vinnie only relays what Snyder wants and what Danny Boy wants is crappy big name (big price tag) players who are either way past their prime or never had a prime.

Finally I want to say that part of the problem with the team comes from the players. If I learned anything from the movie “Major League” it’s that a group of scrubs, hasbins, and Charlie Sheen can actually make it to the playoffs with a little luck and a lot of determination.

So Redskin Fan, you now have the facts. Go and promulgate, proselytize, and plagiarize your way into Dan Snyder’s office and give him the ‘ole what for(e).

New Donut Ain’t All That and NASCAR Fan

I admit it, I gave in the viral marketing blitz that Dunkin Donuts put on to get me to try their newest flavor, Toffee for Your Coffee. The donut was the creation of a man (Jeff Hagar) in Alabama who won DD’s “Create Your Own Donut” contest earlier this year.

His creation is a sour cream cake donut topped with glaze and chopped Heath® Bar. Now take those components separately and I don’t think anything compares. The sour cream donut is my all time favorite. It’s crunch on the outside and soft and cakey on the inside. Perfect! Then add the crunch of Heath bar brand toffee...can you say “heaven!” But oddly enough these two components didn’t mesh the way I hoped they would have. The result was a fairly dense donut that lacked the crunch that the sour cream or the toffee should have provided. It was almost too sweet and frankly underwhelmed this critic. My message to Dunkin...go back and try this one again...maybe bake the toffee bits into the donut...that might do it.

We’ve spoken in this space about fans of various sports and sport teams (i.e. Redskin Fan). These “fans” just don’t get it. Life does not revolve around their team. In fact chances are there are other teams out there who are just as good if not better and it wouldn’t hurt to at least show some knowledge of them. As it turns out...NASCAR is no exception to this rule. A while back I posted about Fat Tony Stewart and his equally Fat Face. Today I heard from a viewer who had some deep insight into my posting. He (I can only assume it was a “he” from the redness of his neck) posted this comment,

how bout u u f****n b***h

Now I can only assume his redneck status although the use of the letter “u” to replace “you” has some urban connotation to it. I thought it was at least a little classy that he left “stared” out the cuss words. But the bottom line is this is a Tony Stewart fan who doesn’t have the 1) manual dexterity of the fingers 2) the intelligence or 3) the time to type an entire comment complete with firm facts and figures to back up his statement. The only word I can think of is, Talent. Thank you NASCAR fan...you are truly a Jerk.

Number 21 Forever?

Sad news out of Miami today as Washington Redskin Defensive Back, Sean Taylor has died as a result of a gunshot wound suffered Monday during an apparent break in at his Florida home.

I like many football fans, and others, are saddened and shocked by this news and while I'm not a fan of the Washington Redskins I do sympathize with their employees (including his teammates) and his family.

This is where my sympathy stops. It is also where your's should stop too. I'm talking to you REDSKIN FAN! Oh Yes, you yet again show just how much of a dope you are. Why are you going to the Redskin's practice facility and leaving flowers by the tree? Did you know Sean personally? Did you guys hang out or talk on the phone after games? Maybe you grabbed some beers after a tough day on the practice field? NO! No you didn't and you didn't know him other then the guy who wore #21 (for 3 seasons....we're not talking about Darrell Green here). You can be sad and then shake your head with the "that's a tragedy" look on your face when your co-workers bring it up.

First read this article from the Washington Post from today about "fan's utter despair at this shocking news".

Now let me ask you this. If you are shot dead tomorrow in your home (or even at a Redskin game), do you think that Coach Joe Gibbs and the offensive linemen are going to come by your home and leave flowers and a teddy bear by your trees? The answer is NO. They don't know you and will only have that same "tragedy" look and then move on with life. You should try that some time.

I don't know Sean Taylor personally either, I freely admit. What I do know about him is reports from the newspaper that he was indicted last year on a charge that he waved a hand gun at a man who he was in an argument with. He later plead guilty to a lesser charge but he still had the gun. Then 8 days ago his house was broken into and a knife was left on his bed. If my house got broken into I'd have a security company there the next morning setting up as much of a system as I could afford. If I had NFL player money, I'd not only have a state of the art system, but dogs, electric fence, and armed security guards patrolling my property 24-7. No expense would be too great to protect my 1 year old daughter.

Sadly, none of these precautions were taken. Clearly this is a sad case but I'm not sure I don't understand why the cops weren't called as soon as he was awoken by the noise, especially in light of what had happened a week earlier. No, he went down with his "machete" which he kept for "self defense." (makes my pocket knife look puny.)

Soldiers and policemen and firemen and rescue workers die everyday protecting our freedom and making this world a safer place for us. They are not mourned by the public like this. Taylor was a football player. That's it. He got paid way too much money (they all do) to play a children's game to entertain you. This is a really bad thing....I'm scared to see what happens when Britney finally kicks the bucket!

Bottom line is that his family and friends and coworkers/teammates should morn him, you REDSKIN FAN can be sad but then figure out who's going to take his place in the line-up because ultimately that's all you care about in the long run anyway.

Random Monday Musings

A few Monday musings for those of you getting back to work today.

1) turn your clocks back. I'm a little upset because I remembered to turn them all back within a few hours of waking up yesterday including my watches. Then this morning when I got in the car on my commute, I realized I forgot to take my watch...damn!

2) I found a good way to prevent fog build up on your car mirrors. For those of you north of here it's a handy trick for mornings like this when the mercury dips down in the AM.

Take some liquid soap and rub it onto the mirrors with a slightly damp paper towel while the mirror is dry. then wipe the solution off with a dry paper towel and your mirrors will be fog free for about 2 weeks.

3) The Jets stink. But how bad are the Redskins that they BARELY beat them yesterday. And to further the post to Redskin Fan...please have your radio announcers SHUT UP too. Sam Huff and Sonny Jourgansen are the two most painful voices on the radio. Not only do they mumble about 10 ft away from their microphones so you can't possibly make out what they're saying but it's as if they don't bother to pick up the opposing team's media guide. They referred to Jets tight end Chris Baker, simply as "jets tight end" about six times in a 2 minute span. You'd think one might read down this roster and say "humm...#86 is Chris Baker". Every other radio team in the country does it, why not them? Also I'm not the only one who thinks they stink. One blogger even went so far as to say,

"...they sound like three old men battling Alzheimer's. They repeat themselves constantly and make John Madden look like Dennis Miller."

4) Family Guy's 100 episode was on last night. I haven't seen it yet so don't tell me what happens or so help me I will come for you in the night.

5) A co-worker sent this list of ideas (originally from Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes) on ways to annoy the hell out of telemarketers and mail solicitors. I don't know if any of this works but thought it was worth a moment of your time (one that you'll never get back). I also like going with "hold on let me put my brother on the phone." The oldies are still sometimes the best.

Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers and Other Invaders

Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Redskin Fan.....shut up!

This is to "Redskin Fan."

Redskin Fan is not an actual person but rather a composite persona made up of fans who not only live and die with their team but who put all reality aside and don't think their team can ever loose. If you root for the Colts or even the Patriots (hard to say that as a Jets fan) you don't have to shun reality to know that your team (this season anyway) is really good.

Redskin Fan though, doesn't get that their team "ain't so friggin' good." Redskin Fan insists that because they've won a few games this season and they have "future hall of fame" coach Joe Gibbs back that suddenly they should buy their airfare for the SuperBowl.

Eh....maybe Redskin Fan might have thought better before making such proclamations as, "We're going to take New England!" or "They can't stand up to our tough Defense!"

I guess that tough Defense was in their other bags as the Patriots clobbered the Skins 52-7. In fact it wasn't until the Pats put in the 2nd team that the Skins managed their one touchdown...late in the 4th quarter.

So what made Redskin Fan so damn sure that their team was going to beat what some people are viewing as the best team in a long while (they're good I just don't know if they're that good.)? Perhaps it was that the Redskins had a top 10 ranked defense that really hadn't been tested (unless you count the vaunted attack of those Arizona Cardinals and their 79 year old quarterback with the bum elbow), or maybe it was head coach Joe Gibbs and his theory of "Well we're ahead by 3 points with a half of football left to play, let's get real conservative and not try to score again."

Whatever caused Redskin Fan to believe the unbelievable they need to stop. They also need to stop calling sports talk radio stations proclaiming their team's greatness. I root for the New York Jets, and that has taught me a lot about both the good and the bad. This year they stink. I mean really stink, like day old cheese, stuffed in a piece of fish and left on top of the radiator all day. I know that they won't win every game. Heck, I know they won't win most of them. It doesn't mean that I don't pull for them in every game until the end, but I don't call up the radio hosts with the opinion that every other sports writer/commentator in America (and England) is sleeping on them.

What Redskin fan really needs is a 2nd professional football team here in DC. I know Baltimore isn't far away but it's not the same. A second team in town would compete for airtime and could provide a more balanced opinion of either team. But I'm not here to help provide solutions. I'm here to tell Redskin Fan to JUST SHUT UP!