With the first pick in the 2013 NFL draft

Nobody Likes a Jerk selects...he'll it doesn't really matter who I selected. He's either going to be labeled a savoir or a washout depending on how the rest of the team plays behind him.

I took my one and only break from baseball season this weekend to catch a little of the NFL draft. It didn't hurt that the Mets had an awful series against the Phillies, so that freed up my schedule a bit. It also didn't hurt that the Jets had two picks in the first 15.

The draft used to be appointment viewing with Chris Burman and Mel Kipper going at it for 8 hours on a Saturday afternoon. Depending on which side of the coin you're on, that has now been reduced to 2 hours on Thursday night, 2 hours on Friday night, and some time on Saturday where no one is really watching unless you have a Geno Smith or Brady Quinn type in the Green Room beyond the first round. 

Speaking of Mr. Smith, those Jets drafted him in the 2nd round and I'm happy. He's a very athletic quarterback who has a strong arm and big legs. He kind of reminds me of Tim Tebow only with out the Christ complex and with an actual working arm. Mr. Tebow was released this morning by the team which brings the number of QB's on the roster down to a manageable 5 (there's a lot of sarcasm here). Actually if the team is really interested in teaching Smith and grooming him to be the QB of the future then put him down as the 3rd on the depth chart behind starter Mark Sanchez and back up David Gerrard and let him hold the clipboard this season and learn. We are not going anywhere and can put up with another season of Sanchez.

But all this talk of players and strategy takes me off the point I was trying to make here today. Did you watch the draft? Did you see the tables where each team's staff was huddled around just before making each pick? Did you notice something out of place on those tables? If you said "A Bottle of Gatorade", you would be correct! 

One of the NFL's biggest sponsors made sure to have their products placed in a high-eyeball area during the draft. While that's great for the world of product placement, does anybody care that a sports drink was being featured in an environment where there were more neck ties than score ties?

The Draft has it's fair share of corporate sponsors this year. Ad Age points out that among them are Visa, Verizon, and other companies that don't even have V's in their names. (http://adage.com/article/news/nfl-turned-draft-mcrib-sporting-events/241141/) But why was Gatorade the only one featured up on the tables? Did other companies just not give as much? What a great tie-in Visa could have had if each team went up to congratulate their newest acquisition and handed him a pre-paid Visa card with his signing bonus already loaded up!

I get that this is a prime time event with lots of the coveted "Males 24-40" demographic tuning in but I don't think that calls for this much of an insult to "our" collective intelligence. Do you think we don't know what Gatorade is? We've grown up with the "Be Like Mike" campaign and the 1986 Giants starting the Gatorade showers. We get it. What we don't get is why?  When I'm in the office and the pressure is on. Do you know what I reach for? If you said a big bottle of lemon-lime G2, you'd be wrong....coincidentally if you said whiskey, you'd be right! 

That's it! The 2014 NFL draft brought to you by Jack Daniels and Lazy Boy!

The Greatest Thing I’ve Ever Seen at a Football Game

There are lots of great moments of individual achievement in football history but because it’s a team game many of the “most memorable” moments have come as the result of the efforts of several teammates forsaking individual glory and playing for the bigger team goal.

If you think back plays like “The Immaculate Reception” in 1972 or the “Music City Miracle” in 2000 come to mind. Heck, no matter what team you root for you can think of a play or two that would never have been possible without at least two players putting their talents together to make something bigger than the sum of the parts.

But I can guarantee that I have never seen two teammates come together like last week in Dallas. No it wasn’t Tony Romo to Dez Bryant for a 99-yard touchdown pass or even the kicker and punter teaming up to not get their ass kicked by the rest of the players on the team. Nope, not even close. What happened in the (front row seats of) end zone last week at Cowboys Stadium was truly a work of art. Or at least one hell of a lap dance/make out session. Play the video:


Tell me how many times you’ve gone to a sporting event, Broadway play, or Funeral and seen something like that break out. Worth the money that guy paid on Craigslist for the seats!

Ok it’s strange but evidently Cowboy fans show about as much class as Yankee fans. They have a brand new stadium and don’t even know how to use the bathrooms yet either. It seems that $10 Miller Light bottles and White Trash can make beautiful music whether it’s in the women’s crapper or front row seats. But where was security during all this? These guys watch the stands all game looking for trouble and this escaped their attention for almost 2 minutes (plus any time in the beginning before the video started recording). Wow...I feel safer already.

Keep Your Religion Off Your Sleeve

Or in this case your neck! Are you that insecure with yourself? Do you think you may forget to pray/worship/sacrifice a live chicken to the deity of your choice if you don’t obsessively wear a novelty-sized symbol on the outside of your clothing?

Maybe I’m just a bit more secure in myself and my belief system or maybe its just that I don’t feel the need to push my beliefs in everybody’s face (other than the words on this blog). But you are not me, now are you?

No. You are Mike Singletary, head coach (for the time being) of the San Francisco 49’ers. There you are on my TV large as life with what appears to be a 3ft wooden cross around your neck. Why?? You don’t need to wear it. There is no league or team mandate that I know of. I would hope that your particular branch of Christianity doesn’t require the accessory. Does it help motivate your players? Well they are currently close to the bottom of the league in net turnovers (-6 thru 7 games). Do you think it helps G-d zoom in on you and focus his great will to help you win? Well you’re 1-6 on the season, so I’m not sure that’s the answer either. Are you so small minded that you don’t think a greater power has billions of other people across the globe to help survive flood, famine, or make it through another episode of Dancing with the Stars without offing themselves by jumping out the window???

Don’t bust my balls here. I’m ok with almost all religions and beliefs (those crazy Scientologists don’t count), and have no issue if you want to wear a size appropriate cross/Star of David/other around your neck. Heck ear a bigger one if it’s part of your professional uniform (military chaplin, Pope, etc) but if you don’t have to wear it, then don’t. I’m not impressed and neither are most of the other folks watching at home. In fact if somebody is swayed to alter the beliefs based on your outfit then I’d be extra dubious of their commitment. If they are easily swayed one way today, what’s stopping them from switching teams tomorrow and then going on to be a Pastafarian tomorrow? Don’t believe it can happen? See Madonna.

Where is the league in all of this? The NFL enforces a strict uniform policy for it’s players. How about implementing something similar for coaches? Personally I’d love to see them all in suits again. Just think about it, Bill Belecheck will be forced to wear sleeves, Rex Ryan will waddle into the closest branch of Sims, and Singletary will have to choose his religion or his job, although the way things are going it’ll be an easy choice in a week or two.

If Commissioner Godell, can’t get the job done then I may be forced to take emergency actions. Somebody prepare the Jewmobile as I drive coast to coast in an open top Cadillac with a 10ft menorah hanging out the back and the speakers blearing a mix of Kinky Friedman songs and Rosanne Barr chanting the Shema!

A New Year, A New Coach, and A New Trophy

Welcome 2010. Hell it can’t be any worse then 2009. Actually for me it started out on a pretty high note. About 10 hours into the new year one finely dressed young man (see picture) stepped up and started the year the way he started last year, by setting a PR in the Montgomery County Road Runners New Years Day 5k. 21:56 was the chip time which was about 30 seconds faster then last year. Word.

The New Year also brings changes. Many of those take place in the National Football League as the regular season wraps up (way to go JETS for crushing the cats from Cincy last night to grab the last playoff spot!) and owners figure that now would be a good time to cut the coaches who aren’t getting the job done. If you had the misfortune to follow the Redskins for the past few years you knew that Jim Zorn was going to suffer one of those cuts at the end of this season. The team’s owner, Dan Snyder, brought in a new management team and their desire to change directions combined with the teams poor performance over the last few...err...dozen years sealed Zorn’s fate. The thing is that Snyder decided to drop the preverbal axe as soon as the team arrived back from their final game in San Diego yesterday. I have two issues to take up here. The first is that the team’s announcement didn’t come out until 4am this morning. This assured the team wouldn’t be ripped on any of the NFL wrap up shows or in the morning papers. Classy job there Dan...I guess old habits die hard. The second item is actually a little more theoretical but still is sticking in my craw. The weather here in DC has been cold to a fault. The wind chill has dipped into the negative degree side of the thermometer and I can think of several places in the Arctic Circle that might be warmer right now. The Skins finished the season in sunny, warm San Diego. Why couldn’t the team notify the coach that he was fired right then and there? Give him a voucher for a first class ticket and just box his office up for him and ship it to any address he asks? This way he can either ride back with the team and clean out his office the next day if he wants or he can stay for a few days in the warmth of the California sunshine (and see if the Chargers might need some help in the coaching ranks for next season!). The way I see it is if he’s going to be axed he might as well get a vacation out of it

Speaking of football....this time on the Fantasy side of things. I am here to proclaim that “Third Floor 3xDope” has just been declared the Best League In Town (BLIT) Champions with a dramatic 2 week win over the Alexandria Parcells. The difference in the end was figuring how to balance the star players that got you to the finals with the real world performances in the last weeks of the season. If they’re playing for a playoff-bound team it is very possible they might sit a large portion of the last few games (ie: Payton Manning, my starting QB!) which means that you have to rely on second string talent like Alex Smith (San Fran) and Vince Young (Tenn). But it worked and I will gladly hold the fictional championship trophy (no Shiva to keep me warm at night!)

Um…see all those people eating Matzos?

Evidently the NFL scheduling wizards forgot to look out of their windows onto the streets of New York City to see all of my Jewish brothers and sisters observing the sacred period of Pesach (Passover) this week. You see if they had they may have remembered that a decent percentage of the population of the greater tri-state area is indeed Jewish. And being even semi observant to the faith means that on certain occasions there are things you don’t do (or don’t miss doing as the case may be).

Included in this is attending services during the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur). The challenge the NFL faced this year are that both holidays fall smack dab on Sundays during football season. For that reason both the NY Giants and the NY Jets asked the NFL not to schedule them for home games those days. The rationale was that the teams did not want to offend/upset/irk/or otherwise bother their season-ticket holders who are of the “faith” to have to decide between being pious and missing the home games or being fans and missing their religion. The idea being that if both teams played road games it wasn’t going to be a financial loss to the fans (this is where I indicate that as a Jew if you sold your tickets to the game on a holiday it would be almost as bad as going to the game itself. Very frowned upon.)

But as you guessed, the league didn’t quite get the message. Oh the Giant games those weeks are on the road, no problem, but somehow the letter from the Jets front office got lost in the NFL HQ mailroom (must have been Michael J. Fox….I never trusted him as a mail clerk…or Christopher Murney for that matter.)

Note to the league… if either of these two holiday’s falls on a Sunday…make sure both NY teams are on the road….it really isn’t that hard to figure out.

Jews out.

Wheeled Bags, Menace or Deathtrap? I've Decided

From time to time something I observe aggravates me to the point that I feel compelled to come into this forum and tell you about it. Heck that happens every day with everything in my life but two things today really got under my skin so here we go.

The first item on my hit list is roller bags. These are either in briefcase or backpack form and have two to four wheels and a telescoping arm/handle. The people you see wheeling these things around are in reality too lazy or too infirmed to be allowed to carry anything, anytime, anywhere. It really grinds my gears (shout out to Family Guy fame) when I have to avoid them (as I did way too many times today) on the Metro.

This morning as all 400 of my closest friends tried to cram into one set of doors in a new land speed record, one woman in the middle of the pack had the aforementioned bag in her possession and was trying to roll it over people’s feet so that she could get a spot on the train (which was empty when it pulled into the station). I finally got so annoyed at waiting for her to find an opening that as she wheeled it on to the train; I grabbed at the back and lifted it onto the car for her. Similarly, when I exited to the train today there was another man with a similar bag (this time a backpack on wheels) who also felt he wasn’t quite in possession of the strength to lift his bag and we had to wait for him to gingerly roll it onto the escalator.

Listen up people, if you can’t carry your bag for a few moments as you go thru crowded doorways, up or down escalators, or other crowded thoroughfares then leave them at home. Take a small brown bag for your lunch and leave the computer at the office. What in G-d’s green earth are you hauling in there that could be so heavy? Even laptops from the early 1990’s only weigh in at ten pounds. Are you so week of bone that you can’t manage to carry that for the few feet that would save the rest of us from having our’s run over? The next time I see you I will lift up the bag, remove the wheels and then watch as you “slide” it around!!

The second item on my list is my Fantasy Football team. I am playing this season in a work league through ESPN.com and a recreational league through NFL.com. My NFL league is going fine and I just advanced into the championship game next week. However my ESPN league is not as well. I had a chance to participate in the playoffs as the #3 ranked team in the league (playing the #2 team). And this past week, which ended with last night’s MNF game, I lost my one measly, little point! Can you believe that? One POINT! If I swapped either of my two RBs on the bench for Rudi Johnson (who could only manage 10+ yards against the San Fran defense!!!!!) I could have won! I would have won and advanced into the championship in both leagues. I want to grab Mr. Johnson by the neck (yes I know he’d probably kick my ass but that’s not what’s important now) and ask him why he screwed me so bad.

Ok now back to your regularly scheduled programming. This reminds me that it’s been a while since you’ve had an update on my ever shrinking waistline. Well after an “OK” week I’m down a total of 15.2 pounds in just under 8 weeks. Yeah Me.

Clayton County, Georgia Stirkes Again

Can they be this stupid down there? I know it's a rhetorical question and those of us outside of Gooberville, USA (this term btw doesn't apply to the rest of the Metro Atlanta area evidently) would think that the water company fiasco by Brother-In-Law was caught up in would be enough to make even the Duke boys blush.

But this cesspool of a county can't even pull their heads out of the dark and warm crevasse they are currently up to stop more people from realizing that the politicians and county leaders they elected are also inbreds and incapable of making a common-sense judgement.

Case in point: a snippet from the AP in today's Examiner:

Warden wants satellite TV to watch Monday Night Football
ATLANTA – The warden of the Clayton County Correctional Institution wants permission to spend money for a “management tool,” satellite TV to keep his 226 inmates occupied watching football.

Warden Frank Taylor is asking the Clayton County Commission to let him sign up for direct-broadcast satellite service for less than $100 a month. It would be funded with money collected at the prison’s commissary and pay phones. “The reason is ‘Monday Night Football’ is now on cable,” he said. “Although it might seem funny, when you have 90 percent of inmates watching something, it is a management tool or the institution.” – AP

Well excuse me Warden. I don't want the inmates WHO HAVE BEEN CONVICTED OF CRIMES to be inconvenienced and maybe miss a MNF game. I mean they might riot if they are not allowed to stare longingly into Tony Kornheiser's eyes or orange dome. Oh and think of the shankings and forced sodomies if they miss Suzzy Kolber's insightful interviews of Joe Namith or some other drunk ex-player on the sidelines. Oh the humanity and Won't somebody think of the children!

Maybe I don't understand the situation. Oh wait, yes I do. They are inmates and are spending time in jail to be punished. They don't get Direct TV or Cable or Anything for that matter. They should be locked in their cells 20 hours a day and let out 3 hours a day for meals and 1 hour a day to shower. That's it. That's the List. To think that this dope, Frank Taylor, would have the balls to say, "Well it wouldn't cost much and we can take the money from our commissary sales (about $41,000 last year, give or take)" is outrageous. Perhaps the people of Clayton County might want some of that money. After all isn't the jail itself and the prisoners care paid for by tax dollars. Oh let's not take that money and put it into the schools or the roads or the WATER SYSTEM. Let's instead spend some of it to make our "guests" (prisoners) lives more comfortable.

We wouldn't want them to be inconvenienced by missing their favorite game. Which game on the schedule can they not live without? Is it this weeks match up of Tennessee at Denver which feature teams that have a number of current and soon to be convicts like Adam "Pacman" Jones and Travis "Smoke 'em if you got 'em" Henry. Or is it next week's battle of the winless Miami Dolphins vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers (I can't say anything bad about them because many of their players are on my fantasy team!). Oh I know, the "involuntary guests" (prisoners) must be chomping at the bit at the thought of missing the Week 14 matchup of the New Orleans Saints and their own Atlanta Falcons. Too bad your boy Mike "Mad Dog" Vick won't be suiting up for that one boys.

The citizens of Clayton County should storm the jail today and sting the warden up by his toes and hang him over the side of the building and then they should go into the prison and remove all modern conveniences and let these convicts really be punished. OR you could do your civic duty and call, write, or e-mail the Clayton County Chariman, Eldrin Bell to air your feelings. Don't worry if your not a constituent. Just say you are, they never check.

Address: 2600 Creek Indian Trail, Jonesboro, GA 30236
Home Phone: 770.960.7126
Work Phone: 770.472.8122
e-mail: eldrin.bell@co.clayton.ga.us

Happy Trails!

I'm Pulling for the Patriots? Am I F-in Crazy?

Actually, no. No I'm not. I am pulling for the Pats in their battle against ticket scalping. Here's the quick rundown. The Patriots sued Stubhub (and parent company e-bay) in order to secure the names of the approximately13,000 buyers and sellers of Patriot season and individual game tickets on the site. Yesterday's ruling in favor of the Pats was on an appeal from the lower court who also sided with the team. For full details here's the ESPN.com article.

What I'm most happy about here is not that the big, bad NFL team is trying to get a stranglehold on their ticket sales, but rather that they are cracking down on ticket scalping and allowing fans to buy tickets at reasonable prices. In the worst case example, a 50 yd line seat for the Pats/Jets game in December is posted on StubHub for $1,300. Oh by the way, the face value: $125. So not only is this "fan" trying to unload a ticket they aren't going to use, they're trying to cover the cost of their entire season ticket package! Oh and one more aside, if that fan really "couldn't" attend the game and wanted to sell the ticket so they didn't have to eat it, they could go to Ticketmaster who has a partnership with the club and buy the ticket for face value (and the $30 or so in fees that are legal under Massachusetts law). So would you pay $150 or $1300 for the same tickets? Humm...

I think all sports fans should pay close attention to this story as this could set the precedent for other franchises to go after these jackals (you know how I feel about ticket scalpers) who do nothing more then buy the season ticket plans and resell the tickets for huge profit. Oh and Stubhub of course gets their cut (the percentage of which is not clearly labeled on their site....another indication to buyers that you are getting ripped off).

A Money.CNN.com report earlier this month praised Stubhub and the sites like it for creating a "truly transparent secondary market for tickets." Really? Which part is transparent? That fans are getting ripped off or that scalpers are buying season tickets which real fans have been waiting for (the list for Green Bay Packers season tickets is still 20 years deep) and then selling them piecemeal for huge profits?

I think all sporting teams should take this route. It's not that I don't support a secondary market for tickets, because if you've read the earlier posts about trying to get Springsteen tickets (which arrived yesterday!!!) you'll know I certainly do, but you also know (from those posts) that I detest ticket scalpers who aren't just looking to make their money back on tickets they can't use but to actually turn a profit. And for that matter, where are the DC Police during Wizard and Caps games? How is it that scalpers can sell tickets right in the front of the building? Next time you "have" to buy from a scalper, negotiate and talk them down and above all...ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS see the ticket before buying it!!