Run Him off the Road and At Least Elvis Had Style

He pulled an "Elvis" while on the can. Whitney offed herself in the second most predictable way possible for crack whores. (#1 is hurling yourself off the balcony of a Hollywood high-rise onto the roof of 1985 sedan, ala Lethal Weapon) I'm not really clear as to why so many of you are so saddened to hear of her passing. I've railed on these pages for years that athletes don't cry when one of their fans die and I bet Whitney would shed a tear over your obituary. Look she was a heck of a singing talent who made poor choices in her personal life and decided to finally end it. This is not a tragedy. Innocent Syrians being murdered by their government is a tragedy, your best friend getting diagnosed with cancer is a tragedy. Are you starting to get the idea? In fact, I'm going to argue that she did this purposely with the goal of going out on top. I wouldn't be surprised if she did it knowing that the Grammy's would have to do a tribute to her. Nothing like a national stage to sell some more records. Do you think she's get anything more then a two second message on next year's show if she offed herself this upcoming Wednesday? Sure it's twisted but now you know you're thinking about it. Lastly on this topic, America's moral compass, Geraldo Rivera, had the nerve to say that New Edition fans were despicable for cheering Bobby Brown at a concert the other night. He says that Bobby killed her. Um, Geraldo, I'm pretty sure that was the drugs which were her choice. She choose to kill her own career, much like you did when you went searching for Capone's vault. Remember?

Speaking of moral compasses, conservative action group American Majority is trying a new advertising venture. It seems that it's no longer enough to run tv spots reminding us who believe that every American should be happy and free to choose whom they want to marry or what they want to do with their bodies are morally corrupt and going to a place lower then Hell (Salt Lake City has some openings from what I understand). Now they are trying to deliver that same message at 200 miles an hour with their turn signal stuck in "left". American Majority is trying out this "high speed" marketing idea. Their target audience, rednecks and goobers who have enough time off from work (habitually unemployed) to travel from their homes in an RV and camp out all week in the small grassy area inside a giant paved oval. I think it would have been easier just slapping a sticker on the side of Milwaukee's Best cans. Besides then people could read your message as they fade in and out of consciousness. The only way anyone would notice your race car is if hits a pebble on the rack and heads into the crowd (birth control) or if by some miracle their second tier driver manages to win (Socialist redistribution of wealth). Either way they and their values lose. I recommend throwing your race support behind a proven winner or at least a team who is powered by gasoline instead of inflated sense of righteousness.

New Donut Ain’t All That and NASCAR Fan

I admit it, I gave in the viral marketing blitz that Dunkin Donuts put on to get me to try their newest flavor, Toffee for Your Coffee. The donut was the creation of a man (Jeff Hagar) in Alabama who won DD’s “Create Your Own Donut” contest earlier this year.

His creation is a sour cream cake donut topped with glaze and chopped Heath® Bar. Now take those components separately and I don’t think anything compares. The sour cream donut is my all time favorite. It’s crunch on the outside and soft and cakey on the inside. Perfect! Then add the crunch of Heath bar brand toffee...can you say “heaven!” But oddly enough these two components didn’t mesh the way I hoped they would have. The result was a fairly dense donut that lacked the crunch that the sour cream or the toffee should have provided. It was almost too sweet and frankly underwhelmed this critic. My message to Dunkin...go back and try this one again...maybe bake the toffee bits into the donut...that might do it.

We’ve spoken in this space about fans of various sports and sport teams (i.e. Redskin Fan). These “fans” just don’t get it. Life does not revolve around their team. In fact chances are there are other teams out there who are just as good if not better and it wouldn’t hurt to at least show some knowledge of them. As it turns out...NASCAR is no exception to this rule. A while back I posted about Fat Tony Stewart and his equally Fat Face. Today I heard from a viewer who had some deep insight into my posting. He (I can only assume it was a “he” from the redness of his neck) posted this comment,

how bout u u f****n b***h

Now I can only assume his redneck status although the use of the letter “u” to replace “you” has some urban connotation to it. I thought it was at least a little classy that he left “stared” out the cuss words. But the bottom line is this is a Tony Stewart fan who doesn’t have the 1) manual dexterity of the fingers 2) the intelligence or 3) the time to type an entire comment complete with firm facts and figures to back up his statement. The only word I can think of is, Talent. Thank you NASCAR fan...you are truly a Jerk.

Tony Stewart...Shut Your Fat Face!

I don’t usually expound on the follies of NASCAR, or really anything about car racing, in this space of journalistic integrity but I can’t resist doing it just this one time.

In a weekend of auto racing where Helio Castroneves won his third Indianapolis 500 (and a $3 Million purse) just one week after finally getting a phony tax evasion charge dropped we should be celebrating the American dream of justice, perseverance, and victory. Instead Fat Tony Stewart had to open his yap at yesterdays Coca-Cola 600 in Charlotte. During one of the several “rain breaks” yesterday, Stewart went over to the pit crew of David Reutimann to complain that they were racing Stewart “too hard.” (see the video here)

Seriously? Racing “too hard”? Tony, do you mean that Reutimann (a nobody on the circuit) was trying to win the race? Imagine that...somebody else on the track is trying to win the race besides you. Oh the horror....the shock...the TRAVIS-SHAM-MOCKERY of it all.

Tony, this may come as a shock to you but other drivers are not going to pull over on to the shoulder of the track, put their hazard lights on, and let you pass them. In fact the whole point of showing up in a car IS TO WIN THE RACE you douche-waffle.

Do you know what the best part of this story is? Reutimann ended up winning the damn race. Tony, Where did you finish? Oh yeah, 28th place. It’s so sweet when karma lines up just right.