This Is Not My Jello

Sure it’s sat in the back of the fridge for a while. I don’t exactly know how long but I do remember that Mrs. Bloggerman bought it a while ago. It’s sat on the bottom shelf, just above the produce drawers and just below the milk and juices. It was part of a six-pack, several of some have already been eaten.

With no yogurt, my preferred afternoon snack, on hand I decided to take a chance on the cup of sugar-free cherry. It was a risk that didn’t pay off.

I opened the cup this afternoon and noticed that 1) it was very sweet, like overly sweet and 2) that it was a little watery. Wait a minute. Jello is supposed to be springy and bouncy but not watery.

That’s when it hit me. Much like Chinese Food and Yogurt, Jello can also go bad. Yikes. Well how bad was it. June 10 was the date so we’re looking at 30+ days beyond the recommended deadline.

What now? Do I just sit hear waiting for my body to turn to jelly like Kareem did in Airplane? Do I go home and sit there for my body to turn to jelly? Or do I risk everything and get on with my life. Sigh, too many decisions for one day. I think I’m going to take a nap.

The French Plot to Take Me Out (via Yogurt)

This afternoon while chowing down on my container of Yoplait Light, “Apple Turnover” flavor when low and behold, I felt a foreign object in the area of my taste buds. After fishing around a mouth full of active cultures, apple bits, and some fillings, I found the offending objects.

It looks like translucent apple skin but could be plastic. If it’s the former, I can accept it as a small imperfection that made it past Inspector #9 (although the container wasn’t stamped) but if it’s the latter it could be anything from a stray shopping bag to the acrylic nail of the left pinky finger of one of the plant workers.

How do I know?

I don’t and that’s the scary thing. I guess I could try to digest it and see what happens. If it’s apple skin it should just break down in my system. But what if it’s part of a button from some guy’s shirt? Will I choke? Will I get sick and projectile vomit on the train home? I just can’t take these risks.

I’m going to err on the side of caution and figure that somebody at the Yoplait company (based in France no less) is out to get me and placed this piece of plastic here hoping that I’d take the risk and try it. They figure with me out of the picture, the term “Cheese Eating, Surrender Monkeys” will go out of vogue. I’m not worried as I know it will live on in the heart of every pure blooded American. This kind of patriotism brings a tear to my eye!

Signs and Dates

It occurs to me as I get older that there are constantly signs that we as a society are on the fast track down to the never ending inferno (great if you have lots of marshmallows and some sticks) of Hades. I’m not particularly worried as I don’t believe in Hell and will only be forced to spend eternity listening to people complain to me. Seeing as how that’s not much different then my daily existence, I’m not all that worried.

But back to the topic of signs. Today while walking past McDonald’s I noticed a sign advertising their latest McCafe offering, the McFrappe (otherwise known as the “Hamburgler”). But the sign wasn’t only expressing the wonderfully, refreshing quality of the drink in English. It also told of its creamy, chocolaty-ness in Spanish. Yet next to that poster was one promoting the newest line of Angus Beef (or horse meat) burgers, in English only. So what is my takeaway here? Is McDonalds only interested in offering their coffee items to La Raza, and not any of their cholesterol-laden top of the line burgers? Are we “English Speakers” the only ones good enough to enjoy the 1/3 lb goodness of Bacon and Swiss? And what about people that speak other languages? What menu options do they have? Is there a Korean menu that only has the Filet O’ Fish and a side of hash browns? And when I go to Germany are my menu options limited to McFlurries and Orange Juice (ugh bad combo there!)?

Also on my mind is the expiration date on my labels of yogurt. My brand of choice is Yoplait light (love the vanilla) but I’m having some issues around trying to figure out what the expiration date is. We’ve debated in this space before about Chinese food and it’s built in expiration dates which are understood to vary slightly. But this is dairy and dairy always has a date (see US V. Bessie the Cow, 1945). Why is it I can’t find it on this damn cup of yogurt? Oh there it is on top, stamped into the foil, in silver, perfectly legible as long as I hold it at exactly a 43.5 degree angle. Lovely.