Scan Me? Scan You!

Airport security is a serious thing. I think we can all agree on that. It was serious before the attacks on 9/11 and it’s something to continue to take serious today. But there are people out there who don’t feel comfortable with the heightened security measures that take place. Maybe it’s a panic attack over the crowds at the security screening point. Or maybe you’re a terrorist or a coke mule and don’t want to be discovered. I get it. I really do. But the good news is there are more than a few ways to travel.

Hey I also get that air travel is the way to go. Look it’s certainly a lot faster than taking the train and a little cleaner then taking the bus. The downside are the checked bag fees, the tight seats and of course the security lines. These are (for the most part) all unavoidable so just deal with them.

But not you. Nope. You are douchewaffle extraordinaire, John Tyner. You bought an airline ticket, packed your bags and headed off to the San Diego International airport to meet up with your family in South Dakota. You must have really not wanted to visit your Dad and go pheasant hunting. First you turned on your cell phone camera and started recording when you got to security. Then you refused to go through the full body scanner. Ok...you don’t have to go through it. Maybe you’re worried about radiation. I get it....I really do. But then when the TSA agent pulls you aside and explains that the only other option to going through the scanner is a full-body pat down. But you weren’t having that. Nope. You actually told the TSA Agent (a Federal Officer) “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested!”

And you are wondering why you were thrown out of the airport? First I’ll start off with the obvious one, who was going to do the arresting? If the agent went through with the pat down, who were you going to complain to? Were you going to go to the San Diego City cop on the segway? Actually I would have liked to see that. No you’re a software guy...you have a cell phone...you’re too smart for that. You’d probably complain to the Agent’s boss. Yes, President Obama is waiting for you phone call. You’d better hurry up and call him...I hear he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Lets take a step back and look at the situation on the whole. You bought a ticket from San Diego to South Dakota. You walked up to the security line and turned on your camera phone. Then you refused the body scan and when calmly instructed by a Federal Agent what would occur during the pat down you told him not to touch your junk. This reeks of the video stylings of one James O’Keefe (of ACORN video fame).

I don’t know about you Tyner, but for me, if I buy a plane ticket I’m planning on flying that day. I don’t have the luxury of f-ing with security and getting kicked out. Hell they can even have my 3.1 oz bottle of shampoo if it means that I can get on my flight. In your case you just left the airport. How did you get to that pheasant hunt in South Dakota with dear old dad?

If you’re against the security procedures, that’s fine. They are obtrusive and I too question their effectiveness on a large scale, but when it comes right down to it that is what it is and you’re not going to change it. If you want to be the face leading a protest, I have some causes for you. They mainly involve with forced sterilization video evangelists. See if you can get behind that cause!

Spirit Airlines Can Charge My Fat White Carry On!

Don’t let these SOB’s get away with it people! Spirit Airlines announced the other day that they are going to begin charging you to carry on a bag and stow it in the overhead bins! They say it’s an attempt to save time loading and unloading the plane. I say it’s a revenue stream meant to capture passengers in a no win situation. If you pay “ahead of time” to use the bins it will run you $30, compared to $25 to check the bag underneath the plane. However Spirit also charges you a $16 fee to book online (free at the counter). So theoretically you’re trying to save a ton of money and book the ticket at the counter, don’t check a bag and head right to the gate. As we learned from TSA security in last week’s post, they’ll screen pretty much anything you carry through with no restrictions on amount or size. So now you show up to the gate with a roller bag and a personal item. BAM! $45 for your bag to go above your seat. But wait, the CEO Ben Baldanza (sounds like a George Costanza alter-ego) says you can board first if you are paying for the overhead space. Well big whop-de-doo there Benny boy.

Here’s what I’m proposing. If Spirit’s goal is to save time by forcing people to check more bags then I need at least one volunteer per flight (uncompensated unfortunately) to stand up before the plane takes off and make the biggest, loudest, most profane (using partial nudity if necessary) tirade ever so that the plane cannot leave the gate, airport police have to come on board to subdue you (with or without tasers) and the flight can’t leave on time. If just one person per flight does this, Spirit’s already wonderful on time and approval ratings will continue to take a nosedive further increasing the smile on my face.

Note to the airline industry. When first 9-11 and then the financial stuff hit the fan only a few airlines didn’t need government handouts. One of them was Southwest. Do you know why? Because they know how to run their business. They publish all of their rates (ahead of time!) and they let you check your bags for free. That is another reason I will continue to fly them whenever possible.

Paul Blart, Baggage Cop

There is nothing that gets the creative blogging juices going early in the morning like airport "security."

Notice, I use quotes around the key word here. TSA is SECURITY without the quotes. No, here I'm referring to the fine people with some company called C2 Flight services (or something along those lines). These brave men and women check your I'd against your boarding pass just so that a TSA Screening Agent can do it again 50ft later.

These last line of defense against the terrorists decided that they are going to be the ones to enforce the airlines rules allowing "only one carry-on item and one personal item". Well that's just great how is it that on the flight down via both Reagan National in DC and LaGuardia in NY not one person including TSA and airline gate agents said peep one about Mrs. Bloggerman and I carrying a SMALL extra bag because we made it fit under our seat without taking up any extra space in the bins above.

But today was not our day as Inigo Montoya (you killed my father now prepare to die) decided that he was going to be the one to do the dirty job of telling me I had too many bags. Bad idea. To quote Tweety Bird "He don't know me vewy well do he?".

Well several tense minutes, a supervisor, an idiotic Delta flight waitress putting in her two cents, and finally two TSA agents comming in to mediate we finally got on the tram to the terminal. While riding with the two TSA agents we were told that many travelers coming to their checkpoint complain about this company.

The only thing that was missing was three campus police officers throwing me to the ground and yours truly screaming "don't tase me bro!". Fortunately we got the hell out of Tampa and found are way to Atlanta where things got much better. Instead of a full flight with no overhead room, we got a near empty flight that had a change of planes to one with in seat tv screens and a separation from the wife by four whole rows. Better then first class (well almost).

Finally one more thing I want to pontificate about regarding today's air travel experience. I had a few moments of zen in the forward lavatory this morning and noticed the wood floor which is quite a departure from the drab blue carpeting in the rest of the aircraft. Why not do an entire aircraft in wood floors? They certainly spruce up (no pun intended) the cabin, plus spills are easier to clean up. So why not? I put this question to Richard Anderson, Delta's CEO. So Dick what do you say? Do we get wood?

With that I say good night.

Keeping Austin Weird

From the time we landed it’s hard to believe that Austin is actually in Texas, except for the pick up trucks, country music, Mexicans as far as the eye could see and all the signs that said “Dallas” or “Houston”.

The trip out was great especially because we got the hell away from the snow. The biggest challenge came at BWI security when the TSA agent started lecturing me about the 3 oz rule. She pointed out that my shaving cream was in a 5oz tube. My bad...I guess I don’t need to shave. And further more is 3 oz of an explosive material disguised as shampoo somehow “safe”. 3oz is a completely arbitrary number. Why not only allow 1oz gels or 10oz gels? Can I only build a bomb if it’s more then 3oz of material? We really need to question these kind of universal decisions. Also once it was clear she was going to let me pass with the 5oz container she added, “don’t let them know it was from Baltimore”. As if I get stopped in Nashville or LA with the same bottle, I’m going to say...”well the lady in Baltimore said it was ok.”. Or even that somebody might know who that was referring to!

Other then our fun with numbers, the trip was great and Brian and Misty (and Jason) showed us a great time, taking us all around the city and to some great places including Austin Java and Katz’s (who disappointingly had run out of cheesecake earlier in the day!).

The race itself was easily the hardest course I’ve ever taken on with very large and very frequent hills, but I emerged rather well in a time of 4 hr, 7 min, and 36 seconds. Not great but not bad. For the record I was the 6th person (out of 12) from Maryland to finish and I placed 163rd in my Division (M30-34) and my bib number was 163 so I’ve got that going for me which is good. 20 down and ?? left to go.

I’m taking a break from Marathons for the better part of the year now to focus on the Triathlon so we’ll see where that takes me. But I love this stuff too much not to come back strong (maybe in the Fall). We’ll see.