You Call This Steak?

Other than the marks on the side where the jockey was hitting hit I can't really qualify the dish that was put on my table yesterday at brunch, steak.

The thought was nice of course and we were there to celebrate the impending welcome into the world of a new little bee. And yes the people there were very nice and I did get to have several adult conversations that have been devoid in my life recently but that still doesn't excuse the quality of the slab of meat that shared space on my plate with the egg whites, grapefruit slices, and diced potatoes.

Chef Geoff's has become over the years as close as this town has come to a hallowed institution. They used to be known for takes on simple American classics. Now they will be known for dropping a piece of NY strip that looks to be a reject from both TGI Friday's, a high school cafeteria, and possibly the snack bar at the Baghdad International Airport. The eggs weren't much better but that's not the point.

How does food like this make the grade?  There was supposed to be farmers, slaughterhouse supervisors, food inspectors, purchasing agents, chefs, food expediters, and waiters who all were supposed to stand in the way of that cow of making it's way to my plate. Where were they and why weren't they doing their jobs.

And if it could happen here, in the United States, in our Nation's Capitol, just blocks from the White House and the McDonald's near the White House, then what about in other countries? Canada could start serving bad meat, or even Britain. Heck it could possibly spread to India...well maybe not that far.

In summary, the steak was rubbery, undercooked, and possibly microwaved. It lacked taste, color and many other meat like tendencies. It deserved no place in a restaurant, hospital, or morgue and it certainly deserves no space on my plate.

Signs and Dates

It occurs to me as I get older that there are constantly signs that we as a society are on the fast track down to the never ending inferno (great if you have lots of marshmallows and some sticks) of Hades. I’m not particularly worried as I don’t believe in Hell and will only be forced to spend eternity listening to people complain to me. Seeing as how that’s not much different then my daily existence, I’m not all that worried.

But back to the topic of signs. Today while walking past McDonald’s I noticed a sign advertising their latest McCafe offering, the McFrappe (otherwise known as the “Hamburgler”). But the sign wasn’t only expressing the wonderfully, refreshing quality of the drink in English. It also told of its creamy, chocolaty-ness in Spanish. Yet next to that poster was one promoting the newest line of Angus Beef (or horse meat) burgers, in English only. So what is my takeaway here? Is McDonalds only interested in offering their coffee items to La Raza, and not any of their cholesterol-laden top of the line burgers? Are we “English Speakers” the only ones good enough to enjoy the 1/3 lb goodness of Bacon and Swiss? And what about people that speak other languages? What menu options do they have? Is there a Korean menu that only has the Filet O’ Fish and a side of hash browns? And when I go to Germany are my menu options limited to McFlurries and Orange Juice (ugh bad combo there!)?

Also on my mind is the expiration date on my labels of yogurt. My brand of choice is Yoplait light (love the vanilla) but I’m having some issues around trying to figure out what the expiration date is. We’ve debated in this space before about Chinese food and it’s built in expiration dates which are understood to vary slightly. But this is dairy and dairy always has a date (see US V. Bessie the Cow, 1945). Why is it I can’t find it on this damn cup of yogurt? Oh there it is on top, stamped into the foil, in silver, perfectly legible as long as I hold it at exactly a 43.5 degree angle. Lovely.

Where Did You Put That Beef?

When you think of Hash Browns what comes to mind? Does your mouth start to drool a little when you think of those crispy brown patties that accompany your favorite egg-based (or flavored) breakfast treat? Do those thoughts consume you until you can lay your hands (or fork) into their hot, peppery goodness? One more question for you, when you hear that sizzle of the potatoes hitting the fryer do you think of the perfect breakfast side dish or the juice of a cow’s ass?

No, that is not a typo. I said it and I meant it. Oh you don’t believe me? Go read the ingredients list over at McDonald's and see the items that go in to their ever-popular hash browns. I’ll wait...go ahead, follow the link and scroll down..

Did you notice what went in to their vegetable oil? Was that “natural beef flavor”? Wha, wha, what? Why would you put beef flavor (even if it is natural) into vegetable oil and then use that oil to fry potatoes? NOTE: This same oil is also used in Mickey-D’s French Fries.

I would have thought that the natural beef flavor would have been saved and rationed to cover the taste of the horse meat used for their burgers and other “beef-related” products. And if that wasn’t enough to harden your arteries, try this. Follow the rising cholesterol rates over to the law firm of Stoel Rives, LLP and their “Food Liability Law Blog” where they discuss a recent law suit involving the Golden Arches. The articles’ author, Ken Odza mentions that McDonald's in their court filings said that until 2006 they hadn’t realized that their potato farmers were using this additive during processing the spuds before they hit the store’s freezer. But wait....what has the clown been doing since then? Oh yeah...nothing. Evidently they consider it OK to “cut” vegetable oil with more “flavor”. What ever happened to harvest potatoes, peel potatoes, shred potatoes, fry potatoes? It’s really not that hard.

In fact if you go over to McDonald’s UK site, you find that the vegetable oil contains no beef what-so-ever (full list: Potatoes, Vegetable Oil (Sunflower, Rapeseed), Salt, Dextrose. Prepared in the restaurants using a non-hydrogenated vegetable oil.) So the Brits get it but the country that started the damn-franchise can’t handle this simple compound?

I have long ago sworn off most McDonald's food with exceptions for their coffee and ice cream cones (contains no beef, but I had to check to make sure) long ago but this only further goes to solidify my beliefs. A while back they actually ran this ad that focuses on the quality of their ingredients and how everything is 100% natural. Quite a contrast to what actually goes on. And on a side note it looks like these kids might be held against their will and forced to work on this farm/nursery/cornfield. Perhaps we might have rethought that approach.

Long story short: I still like hash browns but much like my Dairy Milk, I think they will become a UK import.

You Want to Eat There? But it’s Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day, the Hallmark-created holiday to beat all others, is built up as the “Most Romantic Day” of the year. As a guy, it is our duty to put things off until the last minute and then hustle to the dollar store (as I did) or to the gas station to get roses and chocolate inflated to roughly twenty times their actual retail value.

Many of you, no doubt, had grand plans this year to take your sweetie, honey, significant other, tax-deduction out to a nice dinner before springing the big surprise of the night (a half-eaten box of Russell-Stover chocolates with only the coconut crèmes left!). But have you thought about where you take them and what it says about you? Borrowing a topic that Seth mentioned earlier last week, here are some restaurants that you might want to think twice about before stepping out on February 14th:

Guapos/Uncle Julio’s/insert casual dining Tex/Mex restaurant here. What rattling around in that little brain of yours thinks that combining subpar ethnic food containing nothing but gas producing items (beans, cheese, hot sauce) and a romantic meal is an equation for “getting some”? I might reconsider if it’s one of those high-class joints that makes the guacamole table side and doesn’t use “we’re just like Taco Bell” in their marketing materials, but chances are your town doesn’t have a place like this.

Outback/Longhorn/Ponderosa Steak House. If you are living in such a remote location that this is the only place to get a piece of grilled/charred animal flesh then I guess you have no choice (nothing says “do me” than a bloody cow’s ass sitting on my plate with a pile of grey mashed potatoes and vegetables that make you seriously consider if it’s time to give up fresh food altogether.

Any Place That Serves Pizza. It doesn’t matter if it’s California Pizza Kitchen, Famous Original Rays or Dominoes....unless you are alone at a table for one/on your couch in your underwear there’s no excuse for pizza. Try to be just a little bit more creative.

Any Place That Serves Chili. I love my local Chili establishment. I’d eat there everyday if I could but it’s just not a place to bring the person you’re sweet on for V-Day. If you’re questioning why, see the reason for not going out for Mexican food.

I’m not doubting that any of the above choices are better then grabbing a burger at Mickey D’s or Jack in the Box but they should only be considered after exhausting every other option, including faking your own death to get out of actually going for dinner altogether. These are the facts and I’m just helping bring them to light.

Double Cheeseburger Mistake and Sunglasses

When I awoke Sunday morning, I was sure that my decision the previous night (actually earlier Sunday morning) had been a terrible mistake. A Double Cheeseburger Mistake to be exact. That kind of sounds like a Jimmy Buffet song...but it isn’t...yet.

The consumption of a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger (nutritional facts here) and a small chocolate shake at 230am in the morning really seemed like a good idea at the time. However when Mooks jumped on my stomach at 7am to remind me that it was time to take her to the dog park, I had second thoughts of my gastric choices. How come there are no drive-thru fruit stands open after midnight??

Also, how many pairs of sunglasses can one person go through in a single year? The better question here is how many pairs of glasses can I go through in a single year? The total right now is 3 pairs and counting. The first pair was purchased at National Airport back in February ($20). Those lasted until June and then broke necessitating the purchase of a new pair from Marshalls ($10). That pair is currently hiding in Dave and Stacey’s house so after adding some wrinkles (from squinting at the sun) today I felt the need to pick up a third pair from Eckerd/Rite-Aid/CVS or whatever pharmacy chain it was that I walked into (it’s not like you can tell one from the other anymore!). The purchase price $16, bringing the 2009 running total to $46.

You ask yourself, why not just buy a nice pair of Oakley’s or something else at Sunglass Hut and just be done with it. The challenge is two fold. 1) even though they are expensive and the prevailing thought is that you wouldn’t dare loose them due to the high cost of replacement...that doesn’t work. I would still find a way to loose them and chances are that the loss would occur within the first two weeks of ownership. 2) Assuming I have to buy one or two more glasses this year, we’re still only looking at $60 in glass costs. Compare that to even the lowest rung of the “nice” manufacturer’s and you’re still not even in the ballpark. I think I need to go back to the folks at Precision Sports. At least there if the glasses break they’ll replace them forever.

Dogs and Free Food

A mea culpa to start things off. It has been almost a week since my last confession... err posting. In that time I have committed no words to paper but have had many thoughts of sins (of the flesh, tongue, pallet, etc). No matter how many hail marys I throw downfield or how much holly water I ingest at the community pool I will most likely fail to post daily again. In the words of the good book, "Get over it! And now the rest of the story.

Last Wednesday I tried to do the right thing. You know something to balance out all the negative karma I've been amassing lately. On the way into the park with the Mooks, I decided to pick up a bunch of cans, bottles, and other refuge that had found its way out of peoples' cars but not into the proper receptacle. As we approached the park entrance an older man was struggling to maintain control of his two large dogs. Their size was no my concern. What caught my attention was that this guy was using a long thin stick to reinforce his "no's". Well one thing leads to another and he let's go. I let tried to jog Mooks away but tripped and let go of her. He was laying in the road complaining about his shoulder and I got one of the two dogs and tied him to a sign. Then Mooks came over and I got her leashed to the tree. The guy's second dog took off into the neighborhood. I went over to check on this guy and decided to call 911.Well 3 min later the cavalry arrives in the form of 4 squad cars and minutes later a fire engine. TJ Hooker, Jr. steps out of the first car and asks "Who got bit?". I told him it wasn't a bite and he tries to cancel the medical team. He also gets pissy with me when I tell him that in fact we want the medical unit there to check out this guys shoulder. He says, "well if he fell why did you call it in as a bite?". He wasn't even trying to listen when I told him that somebody else must have called in the bite, this guy only fell. The long and foster of the story is that the guy refused medical attention and my attempt to be a good samaritan backfired. The only silver lining to come out of this is that his neighbor came out and was pissed at this guys dogs for running loose again. I gave him the number of animal services. We'll see what happens.

On to the free food. I want to thank the following establishments for providing me sustenance, on the house, these past few days:

Chik-fil-A: dressed like a cow on Friday (national cow appreciation day) and got a free chicken sandwich.

Seven-Eleven: received a free 8oz slurpie just because it was July 11th (7/11).

Lido Pizza by way of the Damascus Volunteer Fire Department: supplied plenty of slices for those of us who were volunteering at their open house.

Cheeburger, Cheeburger by way of the Reiches and the Boigs: As part of the great burger challenge, I successfully polished off a burger of their creation (1lb of meat, bun, portabella mushrooms, relish, onion, jalapeño peppers, tobacco sauce, peanut butter, blue cheese, guacamole, whipped cream, and grenadine). Kicker here: I finished it before Santiago or Jason got through their untopped 1/3 pounders! Take that GI track!

McDonalds: for their delicious McCafe caramel mocha this morning as part of their "Free Mocha Mondays" promotion.

Who are you “Anonymous”?

Who are you “Anonymous”? You left the following comment on this site for the Sean Taylor post from way back from last November:

Anonymous said...

Talk like that will get you killed around here homie. Your cracker ass isnt even worthy to speak the name of the Great Sean Taylor. The hardest and most feared tackler in the history of the NFL. Str8 cut your throat homo.

Uh....yeah...Mr. (I hope) Anonymous...first, how do get off getting all upset when you are first commenting on a post that was up for almost a year? Second, are you on the LGPA because English clearly isn’t working for you. Now if I could just figure out what league mandates Ebonics (and poorly spoken at that) I might know who you are.

Wait...I have a better idea...good old Google Analytics tells me where the people who have visited this site are located, geographically speaking. You commented on Sunday, August 24^th. The weekends are usually a slow day here at Nobody Likes a Jerk so only 5 people visited on that day 1 in the UK and 4 in the US (1 each in Arizona, Georgia, New York, and Virginia). Since you commented you must have been on the site for at least a minute or two so let me look at the usage times....well what do you know...only the visitor from Fairfax, Virginia was on for more then a few seconds. So that must be where you came in from. Now I know based on your typing that you’re not smart enough to hold a job that will allow you to afford a home in Fairfax so you must either work there (maybe as a disgruntled lettuce washer at the McDonald’s on Route 7 over by the mall) or you are just passing through (are you the guy who was getting his pimped-out Geo Metro hosed down at the carwash?).

Furthermore, you said “Talk like that will get you killed around here...” Is there that much “straight up” violence in Fairfax? At last I heard they had some problems with a shoplifter or some rowdy teen hooligans riding their skateboards in a “no loitering” area. I didn’t realize that there were killa, gangasta, hard-core G’s there. Cool! Can I rent you out for kids’ birthday parties?

Secondly, you refer to Mr. Taylor as, The hardest and most feared tackler in the history of the NFL.”. Um again, he played only 4 seasons, and to be more accurate 3 seasons and part of the 4^th before he was murdered. How can he be the most ferocious hitter in all of the NFL (100+ years) if he barely played? He WAS a hard hitter but not the hardest ever and even he would tell you that. We don’t call Bo Jackson the best running back ever because ....he wasn’t! He was probably the best of his playing time but not the best ever....come on!

I will find out who you are but in the meantime I want the rest of my readers to see just how strong your masterment of the English language is.