Closing Thoughts on the Close of the Olympics

Hell of a job Vancouver, eh? You guys really came through and brought a great Winter Olympics to the world. That is if you ignore the fact that the focus of the opening ceremonies, the Olympic torch, didn’t work properly, or that the ice at the speed skating track was flawed because you were too cheep to go with Zamboni-brand ice smoothers but other than that you did a nice job. To properly wrap up these twenty-first winter Olympics I need to point out the following items from last night’s closing ceremonies.

The Russian National Anthem
I’m sorry but it’s too damn long! I know you’ve got a proud heritage and you’re hosting the next winter games but anything clocking in at over 3 minutes (3 min 52 seconds for those of you keeping score at home) is just too long. I thought the fat guy singing it last night was going to pass out mid way through. He looked like the opera singer in that Bugs Bunny cartoon (Long Haired Hare)! Let’s pare that thing down to just under 1 minute and 30 seconds, please. Can you imagine listening to this thing about 200 times in 2014?! May I recommend trying an adaptation of the national anthem of Micronesia which clocks in at exactly the 1:30 mark?

Flash Photography
You are sitting in row JJ seat 26 in the top most section of the arena. The stage is roughly 4 miles away (2.5 nautical miles) and there you are with your disposable Kodak trying to get the shot of a lifetime of Neil Young singing in the center of the arena floor. Even if nobody else was in the building and the lights were on full would you be able to use that camera’s crappy little flash to get a clear picture. You and I both know this. Then why, pray tell, are you using it in the dark to try and snap of a shot of a real Canadian hero? Just sit there and take in a mental picture. The flash on even a good point and shoot camera has (at best) a range of 10-12 feet, you couldn’t get a clear picture if you were sitting in the front row! Stop it. Also you and your seat mates all over the arena create a spectacle for those of us watching on tv that could possibly induce seizures. I don’t want to have to come and sue you.

Gold....Wow! Also...That’s a Sport?

The US Men’s Olympic Basketball team won the gold medal in Beijing the other day. WOW! What an amazing accomplishment...you mean to say that our professional players who play in the top league in the world with the best players in it, who make the most money, beat the professionals from other countries who maybe only sport one or two NBA players on their rosters. Wow we are sooo good. I can’t believe we pulled it off.

To hear the pontificators and sportscasters tell the story (ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Fox Sports) we should be in shock that the best players in the world beat everybody else! Not only that but the nice folks at Sports Center (including Stuart “please stop talking like you’re a 20 year old hip-hopper” Stuart) kept using the phrasing “our first gold medal in 8 years.” Really? The USA has gone eight years without winning a gold medal? Is it perhaps because the summer Olympics are held ONCE EVERY 4 YEARS!! Hey idiots, that means that we’ve only Not Won gold once in that period. Get it straight, we’ve not claimed the top title in Olympic (not world) basketball just once, not 8 straight years! It’s the kind of Tony Kornheiser moment when I start screaming at my TV.

This reminds me, if we are so good at Basketball, why is it still an Olympic sport? The IOC is canceling baseball and softball because of US dominance (we didn’t win gold in either this year!) so why not cancel basketball. Well the answer is simple; the IOC is composed mainly of Europeans who are great at basketball but awful at baseball/softball so we’ll just cancel them. And with a few sports being canceled, the agenda opens up a few slots for some new sports like BMX bicycling. Huh? BMX...you mean like in the “X-Games”?

I’m sorry but I saw the gold medal races for both the Men and the Women and all I was rooting for was for everybody to fall at once (almost happened in the Men’s race). This should not be an Olympic sport. Of course there are other sports that have medals awarded that deserve to be dropped quicker then 4^th period math.

Synchronized Swimming and Rhythmic Gymnastics: These don’t really need much explanation. They are dancing in the water and on a gym mat. Either let Ballroom Dancing in or kick them all out...no major athletic talent needed...just dance your ass off.

Race Walking: Um....Walking is a sport? Look 50 kilometers is a long distance (31 miles) and to do it in roughly 3 and half hours is very fast but it’s still WALKING!!

Trampoline: I don’t care what you say about power, grace, beauty, it’s jumping up and down on a trampoline. Anything you can do in your backyard should not be an Olympic sport. And why the hell is this not part of the “gymnastics” category? Who sat down and decided that it should be its own sport? Hopefully the shooting range will cause a stray that veers into this person’s hotel room.

But not to make you think that I have negative feelings about everything that transpired in Beijing. I liked some of the things I saw including the Men’s marathon on Saturday night which produced an Olympic Record or my favorite moment of these games, the Cuban Taekwondo competitor kicking the judge in the face (see video!)

Until London (4 years from now Stuart!!), Toodles!

Fake Footprints and a Porn Legend

They did what? Yep the “kings of the counterfeit” did it again. This time the Chinese faked parts of the Olympics Opening Ceremonies.

In an article today on CBSsportsline.com, Wang Wei, spokesman for the Beijing organizing committee admitted to faking some footage. He had this to say.

"It was confirmed that previously recorded footage was provided to the broadcasters for convenience and theatrical effects -- as in many other big events," Wang said. "On the day of the ceremony there were actual footprints of fireworks from the south to the north of the city. However, because of the poor visibility of the night, some previously recorded footage may have been used."

Those fireworks were one of the “coolest” parts of the ceremony (in my mind) and I had my doubts when I first saw them that it was actually fireworks. They looked too smooth and the movement down the main drag from Beijing toward the Olympic Stadium looked too perfect. So why am I not surprised? These are the same people who bring us fake watches, NBA Jerseys, and as a frequent reader to this space pointed out, Adidas bags where “Adidas” was misspelled!

But are we too soon to bash those funny people with the chopsticks? I found this footage on YouTube which seems to show the “footprints” live.

Now the only question I have is why these folks are chanting for 70’s Porn Star John Holmes? Hum maybe there’s one thing they can’t counterfeit!