Fat, Phat, and DAMN!

As news of Heavy D’s passing spread, a fraternity brother of mine penned on Facebook, “That really sucks. He was an important part of all those great '90s bar mitzvahs.”

Truer words may never have been spoken.  

I was a fan of the “Overweight” Lover and thoroughly enjoyed his music, although I was never able to replicate his Heavy D Shake. His passing was sad and I thought back to the music I grew up with in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I don’t know if it’s the same thing as when Janis Joplin or John Lennon died, in fact I think it’s not even close. But it did get me thinking about who were the top Fattest Rappers of All Time. 

A quick search of the interweb on my Google machine shows that I’m not the only crazy MF out there thinking about this kind of thing. In fact Slate Magazine was also pining on this topic. And they’re not the only ones, as our friends over at funkjelly.com have also come up with a list, as have some Amazon users who came up not only with a list but also linked in the songs so you could buy them (ummmm…capitalism!) 

All of this got me thinking that I should make my own list. As you’ll see some of the names intersect with the lists above, although you will notice 3 names I did not put in there that others did (PM Dawn, Rick Ross, and Dr. Dre) PM Dawn were singers and hippies, and not really rappers; Rick Ross is a punk who stole his name from Freeway Ricky Ross (famous crack dealer), and finally Dr. Dre (east coast) was really more of a DJ who only occasionally rapped.

So the Nobody Likes A Jerk Top 10 Fat Rappers of All Time:

1. Biggie
2. Big Pun
3. Fat Joe
4. Chubb Rock
5. Heavy D
6. Fat Boys
7. Biz Markee
8. Raekwon
9. Missy Elliot
10. Boo Ya Tribe

Honorable Mention: Chunky A (aka Arsenio Hall)

But perhaps the fattest of all Fat Rappers is this guy:

Once Twice Three Times a NO and 4-way Stops!

Ahhhhhh!!!! The numbers wont’ leave me alone. They always are there…oh wait that’s Hurley. Fhewwww….I feel much better now.

But seriously numbers are haunting me again. This time the numbers 2, 3, and 4 are bugging me and here’s why.

2 and 3 go together, as in November 2, 2008 and 3 consecutive times turned down from entry into the New York City Marathon (the former being the date of the race.) Come on people. Yes I know I didn’t have a good showing in 2005 but that was my first race after injuring my knee…I’m allowed one bad check every few years right (see the counterfeiting post from a while back)? Well I don’t know how they do this lottery but I was really looking forward to going up to NYC and running it this year. On the bright side, the other folks who I know who entered also didn’t get in so they have next year too. Speaking of next year…I guarantee my entry into the race.

Wha, wha, what??? How can you do that?

Simple. The New York Road Runner rule book says:

Those who have applied but been denied entry for the last three years in a row and who haven't secured entry through alternative methods are guaranteed race entry.

Lets see…that means 2006 (no), 2007 (no), and now 2008 (no)! YEAH! I’m in for 2009 and going to whoop the llama’s ass (or the emu’s donkey…whichever comes first)!

So Elliot, Eric, and any of you other yahoos that want to run this bad mutha with me…saddle up, 'cause we’re going to Disneyland….err…Central Park in November of 2009!

Wait….you forgot the number 4.

Oh yeah you’re right…thanks for reminding me. 4 is for 4-way stop, as in what you are supposed to do when driving your car and coming onto an intersection where the lights are down due to power outages. Didn’t they teach that on your driving test? Evidently most of the folks on Connecticut Ave and 355 couldn’t handle that master level driving technique yesterday afternoon. Yes, I understand that a strong storm(s) hit and knocked out the power, and yes, I understand that you were confused and a little scared, but the rains were gone and you could see clearly now…

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? The guy in the minivan next to me over by White Flint (on 355) was honking because the cars in front of us were stopping to be courteous. He was actually upset that he was being delayed. I tried to calm him but there was no sedating the man. Ah he’s a fat ass anyway who will probably have a heart attack behind the wheel and kill himself in a fiery late night wreck. As for me…I pulled off and got one of the Whoa! That’s Low! shakes. Yummo! (2 comes up again. As in 2 posts in a row I’ve used Yummo! Get Rachel Ray out of my head!!!)

Impeach Him You Say?

Living in DC (Outside the Beltway thank you very much) you have no choice but to have some opinion on politics no matter how vague of an opinion it may be. As you well know I tend to have very few “vague” opinions on any issue and this is no different.

Last week I received a flyer in the mail in support of reelecting my current congressman, Albert Wynn. On one side of this flyer (of which I can’t yet find a picture) is a very flattering picture of Mr. Cheney with a large headline screaming “Support Congressman Wynn’s Effort to IMPEACH CHENEY” The back of the flyer reminds us that Bush and Cheney are “liars” and we should support Wynn in his efforts to get his bill HR 333 (complete with the articles of Impeachment) approved through the House of Representatives.

Um…er….um….Congressman, perhaps we shouldn’t take this path. I mean where were you seven and a half years ago when Cheney started all of the garbage in office? Or four years ago when we invaded Iraq? Or even last year at the height of the Dems take over of Congress? Nope, instead you chose to wait until it was an election year for your seat. Yet I don’t think that alone would be enough for you to produce (or at least attach your name) to such a publication. Nah, you’ve had almost no real challenge to your seat for years, which of course could explain your excessive corpulence (FAT). No, this had to be fed by real fear, the fear that only a real election threat could summon. That fear is Donna Edwards. I don’t care who wins because you are both crooks who run primarily on race instead of realizing that you represent more then PG County.

What really bothers me about this flyer and the bill that it promotes is that you are trying to insult your constituents by highlighting this effort only because you are in for an election battle. Want more proof? Let’s look at some of the other sponsors of this “legislation” (because we don’t need more help with medical care, social security, energy, education, etc). First is perennial last place presidential candidate, Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich is looking for any kind of attention that may lift him just above Eugene V. Debbs and Mickey Mouse in the polls. And last but not least is our friend from Florida, Robert Wexler. Mr. Wexler was so busy campaigning at the end of last month that he missed voting on the last 5 bills of the session:

H R 2764 (2008 State Department appropriations)

H R 4040 (Consumer Product Safety Modernization Act)

S 2499 (Schip Extension Act)

H R 3996 (Temporary Tax Relief Act of 2007)

H R 3690 (U.S. Capitol Police and Library of Congress Police Merger Implementation Act of 2007.)

If you’re keeping score at home, he’s against Diplomacy, Kids (safe toys and health care), eliminating or at least delaying the AMT, and helping keep the Government safe by combining two police forces and allowing them to communicate better. Wait, you say, “he’s not against those things, he just didn’t vote.” Funny I thought that was his JOB…to vote on bills that effect his constituents and the American people.

The bottom line is that Cheney and Bush are both crooks and war criminals, but there is a class of people who sit on a lower rung of the scum latter then them. I’m speaking of politicians who are so self-involved in keeping their office so they can continue to suckle from the teat of the American tax payer. Al Wynn, there is no way in hell are you getting my vote now… I’d gladly pull a “Wexler” and not vote if I have to.