Fast This? Fast You!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

My ancestors were either 1) dilusional or 2) told by the "big guy" himself or 3) just decided that it would be a fun way to spend the day; by fasting from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).

Why fasting and not flogging like some Muslims partake in during The Day of 'Ashura?  I'd even think about some ashes like the Catholics on that Spring Wednesday. Fasting is way tougher and I want to take this moment to run down the different phases so that you the reader can adequetly judge where you are in the process without looking at your watch.






Stage 1: Pre Sun Down Meal
It has become a sort of tradition that my friends and I gather at a local factory that produces, oh say, cheesecake, to consume mass quantities of food prior to the fast beginning. I'm not clear why we continue to abuse our stomachs and digestive tracks this way but who am I to mess with "tradition". A typical meal consists of shared appetizers and breads, a main course, and of course, the cheesecake dessert. While I don't have an accurate calorie count, my best guess says 5,000+. Not exactly the kind of thing Bob or Jillian would like to see but we do it for the cause (and to make sure we hit that "sin of gluttony" line in the prayerbook)  By the end of this stuff-fest we are all belly-aching and I for one have enough gas building up to power my car for a few weeks unleaded-free.

Stage 2: Sundown to Bed
I'm still very full and feeling plenty sick. My GI track is starting to back up something fierce and I'm thinking of breaking the fast very early by reaching for the Tums. Chasing a 21 month old around a room to get him to quiet down isn't helping things. I'd also really like some more water to wash down the reminents of the oreo cheesecake stuck in my teeth

Stage 3: Partially Restless Night
Do you ever get that feeling that you need to take some water in the middle of the night? The toothpaste you used before hitting the sack is still on your tongue, and the scratchy cough could easily be soothed with just a few sips. No luck...force yourself back to bed several times and hope the dog doesn't decide now would be a good time to share the taste of her ass with your lips.

Stage 4: The Next Morning
By now you'd kill for some water but toothpaste will have to do. Can I drink this stuff? Probably not a good idea. The fullness from the night before has come and gone and now you're trying to fight your normal routine of filling up the coffee pot and breaking out the cereal. You are still in your right mind though and not yet getting faint or dizzy. Time to take the dog and the kid on an early morning walk to kills some time. OK, back. It was a bit warmer out there then I planned on. No water yet, time to get to services.

Stage 5: Midday
I've made it through the bulk of the morning service. It's nice when all those people can lend their body heat (and some their body odor) to help me get just drowsy enough during the upcoming sermon that I'll pass out for about a 20 min snoozer. At least I listened to the Rabbi last night and didn't wear leather shoes today. Just my Vibram 5-Fingers...the official sneaker of partially observant only part of the time jews everywhere. (I think that should be their next marketing slogan!) Starting to get a little light headed and could definitely go for some water or a beer.

Stage 6: Afternoon
Now you're getting woozy. You're home from services and even after driving the extra long way home you still have almost 4 hours to go before you can even think of breaking fast. This is crunch time in my book. It's where we separate the quitters from the fasters (of something like that). Time to read a cookbook so if I can't have food I can at least plan future adventures. I pick up a great birthday present in the Siracha Cookbook and delve into plans for siracha salt and cheddar siracha swirl bread. All this reading is making me dizzy and sleep finally sets in. After another vivid dream (this time Justin Maxwell is making an amazing catch in center field.)

Stage 7: Just Minutes Till Sunset
Dizzy, Grumpy, Thirsty, as well as the rest of the dwarfs are setting in now and the worst part is I'm at my parent's apartment just looking at the tables of bagels, fish spreads, cheese, vegetables, fruit, cookies, pastries, juice, coffee, etc. If it were up to me, the hell with my friends showing up, I'm going on a shovel fest. But we all know that wouldn't be right, it will be just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes...ok you're all here why aren't we eating yet?

Stage 8: The Final Frontier
As we nosh on bagels, whitefish, cheese, juice, and desserts I start to feel a little closer to normal (that's MY normal, not yours). But it gets me thinking, back in biblical times my people fasted. But at "services" they didn't use prayer books and have afternoon naps. Nope...they sacraficed animals over an open flame. They were essentially making barbeque during prayer. So here you are fasting for 24+ hours and the whole time the priest at the front of the room is roasting up some goat or ram or sheep. It's a good thing that Salt Lick wasn't around back then. I would have had run up with a few bottles and brushes and gone to town.

For my friends/readers/web-based strangers who observe, may your fast have been an easy one and next year at the BBQ joint!
 

Bzzzzz Uzzzzz Vzzzzz

Oh Kazoo, how we love you! Your cheap, Chinese, (probably) lead-based plastic conforms so perfectly to my lips.

All have to do to make you sing your slightly ear-piercing sound is to "put my lips together and blow" (apologies to Lauren Bacall for not doing justice to her line.) Believe it or not this musical interlude is going somewhere.

Saturday's was National Kazoo Day. According to our friends over on Adult Swim, we are celebrating 161 years of fun. But before this turns into another meaningless "day" celebration (see Big Wind Day) I want you to the. Kent how great the kazoo is.

Besides lending its name to Fred Flintstone's floating alien friend, the kazoo has been the instrument of choice in the goodie bags at kids birthdays for years. Think about how much Mommy and Daddy would have to shell out to put a trombone in each kids bag. That doesn't even taken into effect the extra money for bags big enough to hold that and don't forget about the broken car windows as little Timmy tries the slide out on the ride back home.

For some, the particular pitch of the kazoo is too much to take. To those people I saying could always be worse, need I reminds you of the vuvuzela from the last World Cup? Plus if you really don't like the sound, you can shove a kazoo down a kids thread without causing massive internal injuries. And isn't that what it's really all about?

To close out today's post I'd like to share with you some of my favorite kazoo playing by Little Jewford who along with Kinky Freidman bring you "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed".

And The Lord Said, “No! Use The Other Remote”

So you live too far from the nearest Synagogue to manage to get there for the holiest days of the entire year. What do you do? Previously you were s#$%^t out of luck. You either missed out on some of G-ds loving touch or you pulled your ass off the sofa and made the trip. But not now. Technology has brought you a new option. Just reach that arm out and grab the remote.

Shalom TV is a free Video-On-Demand Jewish cable network currently available in more than 38 million homes. This year it will broadcast the Jewish High Holiday services via national cable TV for the first time. According to the network, its “designed for those who cannot attend a synagogue service” They will air Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur congregational programs beginning the week of September 5. The different parts of the services will be presented as individual programs such as liturgy, Torah readings, Shofar Service on Rosh Hashanah and more led by Rabbi Mark S. Golub, president of Shalom TV from his home community in Connecticut. Shalom TV is available through Comcast, Time Warner, Cablevision, Verizon FiOS, Cox, RCN, Bright House, Armstrong, Service Electric Cable vision, Buckeye CableSystem, MetroCast, Blue Ridge Communications, Frontier and Rogers Cable (Canada).

Wow!

I’m totally sitting on my ass this year. And the best part is when I fall asleep in the middle of the sermon, I can just rewind and watch what I missed later in the day!

I love technology

Um…see all those people eating Matzos?

Evidently the NFL scheduling wizards forgot to look out of their windows onto the streets of New York City to see all of my Jewish brothers and sisters observing the sacred period of Pesach (Passover) this week. You see if they had they may have remembered that a decent percentage of the population of the greater tri-state area is indeed Jewish. And being even semi observant to the faith means that on certain occasions there are things you don’t do (or don’t miss doing as the case may be).

Included in this is attending services during the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur). The challenge the NFL faced this year are that both holidays fall smack dab on Sundays during football season. For that reason both the NY Giants and the NY Jets asked the NFL not to schedule them for home games those days. The rationale was that the teams did not want to offend/upset/irk/or otherwise bother their season-ticket holders who are of the “faith” to have to decide between being pious and missing the home games or being fans and missing their religion. The idea being that if both teams played road games it wasn’t going to be a financial loss to the fans (this is where I indicate that as a Jew if you sold your tickets to the game on a holiday it would be almost as bad as going to the game itself. Very frowned upon.)

But as you guessed, the league didn’t quite get the message. Oh the Giant games those weeks are on the road, no problem, but somehow the letter from the Jets front office got lost in the NFL HQ mailroom (must have been Michael J. Fox….I never trusted him as a mail clerk…or Christopher Murney for that matter.)

Note to the league… if either of these two holiday’s falls on a Sunday…make sure both NY teams are on the road….it really isn’t that hard to figure out.

Jews out.

Which Door Is It? Misleading Restroom Signs and More...

Let me paint the picture for you:
Sceene1: Nice restaurant or swanky bar and you have had just a little too much water or tea. You go in the back to look for the little boys/girls room only to find a strange symbol on the door instead of proper wording.

This was the scenario the other night. I stepped up to the door marked “restrooms” only to be confronted by two doors. On one was something that looked like a stick figure in a dress (sounds like the women’s room) and on the other door was just a stick figure. This one wasn’t particularly hard to figure out but there are others that are much worse. These for example are tough ones:

You can also check out Break4Fun.com here or Nuacco.com here for postings of other signs of trouble.

Why is it so hard just to put “Men” or “Women” on the door? I understand that you are trying to create an atmosphere in your establishment and might want to put something else on there. I don’t necessarily see a problem with a chili place putting “cowboys” or “cowgirls” up or even a Chinese restaurant putting up their respective men/women symbols on the door....just so long as you clarify that by either a “M” or a “W”. Just put something up there for crying out loud before my bladder explodes and you’re going to need a “mop in aisle 4!”

Secondly, I won’t really go into the germ-a-phobe who walked into the Men’s room in front of me this morning, took a toilet seat cover (perfectly acceptable) and then proceeded to give the “courtesy flush.” What the frig? Why the need to waste a gallon (or more) of water? Are you afraid of splash back? Is that really the worst thing that could happen...and speaking of which...how hard are you “going” that you might have splash back?

Finally, there will be a temporary break from posting while Bloggerman and his kin folk enjoy some holiday time off. Hag Samach...now go away!

2 Many Parties, 2 New Games, 2 Annoy Telemarketers

STOP! Stop the holiday parties. I really appreciate all the invites and the thought and planing (and expenses) that go into these things but there are just too many. I want to see 2 parties each year. One work and one personal. I have to say I'm very pleased that my office again is hosting their party in the middle of the day so as to discourage children and spouses/significant others from coming out. It cuts down on the amount of people that I need to pretend to be friendly with and the amount of small talk that I need to endure. At least at a personal party you have your friends there and can catch up with them and relive the "old times" that seem to get wilder as the years progress. I'm reflecting on this today because, after a full weekend of events, I noticed yet another gray hair. So not only am is the top of my head resembling the hole in the ozone layer but now I'm going gray too. I can't handle it any more! I need to go over and apply for a job at the post office.

Thanks to the friends we had over to dinner last night, I have a new game to drop in the old Xbox and give a whirl. Lego Star Wars. It sounds corny but it looks really fun. We all have seen the shoot 'em up games that are looking more realistic but how cool is it to blow apart a bunch of Legos. It's just like when I was growing up, your friend would build a tower of Legos and I'd smash it apart. (now if only Al Sharpton would build a tower, it would be my pleasure to smash it!). Plus the aspect I'm most looking forward to is the ability to blast an Ewok into a million smaller blocks! I am really looking forward to giving it a go tonight. I also picked up a game I've been looking for in the "used" bin for a while, Def Jam Fight for NY. The game is a fighting oriented game (we can never be too violent) that utilizes over 40 hip-hop industry names (and Carmen Electra). I'm looking forward to pitting Ice-T against Flava Flav. A battle for the ages.

Lastly, thanks to Mr. Dan for sending this tidbit to me today. It's a recording of a guy who uses this routine to annoy the hell out of telemarketers. I think I might modify this one and try to record it the next time I get a call. Take a listen and enjoy.