Things Not To Say During Heritage Days/Week/Month

Helen Thomas, open mouth, insert foot. Thank you, you may now leave the building. What the hell were you thinking?

“Hey it’s a Jewish Heritage Day at the White House. I’m being interviewed by a Jewish Website (Rabbi Live), maybe this would be a good time to break out my ‘Jews need to get the hell out of Palestine’ routine. Yep this seems appropriate.”

Uh Helen, that clearly falls under the “not a good idea” category.

Perhaps you were going to retire soon anyway and enjoy some time off. Perhaps not. Perhaps you were going to keep going until the day you stood to ask a question but couldn’t get the words to come out of your mouth. Either way, much like me at a sensitivity seminar, “You’re outta here!”

So now we all know what not to say during a Jewish heritage event, but let’s rundown the list of other similar events and things to avoid uttering:

Black/African events: “You know, slavery wasn’t so bad. It created lots of jobs.”

Woman-related events: “Do you believe that broad had the stones to tell me that I should stop slapping the taste out of her mouth? She’s only my wife for crying out loud!”

Catholic events: “You’d think that the Pope would look younger then he does. What with all that kiddie juice”

Polish events: “Are those Russian tanks?”

Korean events: “Was that my dog or yours?”

Ok you get the point. Now go out there and be sensitive!

HOV Traffic, The Floor is Not a Toilet, and Baseball Hate Crimes

We start today with the HOV lane. If you live in or around a large metro area you probably have seen these marvels of modern engineering. The High-Occupancy-Vehicle lane can mean different things to different people. No matter if you need four, three, or even a measly two people per car to take part in the lane’s access to less traffic and a quicker commute to/from work you know that there are people who openly flaunt the law and try to join you in the commute time savings even though their ve-hic-le doesn’t meet the minimum human requirements to ride there. I stress human, because there are numerous stories of people putting gym bags, dogs, and even mannequins in their passenger compartments in order to fool the police. Don’t believe me? Check out the folks over at Oregon Live Blog who detailed such a story. But the question is even if you don’t try to fool the cops, is it worth it to try and break the law by riding in the HOV’s when you shouldn’t be? This article in the Washington Post plays both sides but I think not. My In-Laws saw many of these violators while stuck in traffic on I-95 South yesterday between DC and Richmond and were wondering. I have to argue that it can’t possibly be worth a $1,000 fine. When you drive during peak hours you have to expect traffic, that’s part of living the American Dream near a big city. If you don’t plan for it then tough. There are certain exceptions here of course. If a bad accident snarls things up or a jumper decides to off himself by taking a leap off of your favorite river crossing the HOV lanes start to become mighty inviting but trust me, they’ll also clog up so you might as well pull over and have a drink. After all the penalties for drunk driving (not that I’m advocating it) are sometimes less harsh for first offenses then HOV violations. I’m just sayin’

Continuing on to that smell in the Men’s room. Wait...why is the floor near the urinal so wet? Oh no they didn’t! Oh yes they did. You...I’m taking to you...they guy who couldn’t even wait until you got the extra two steps to the urinal...the FLOOR IS NOT A TOILET!!! Add this to my list of bathroom misdeeds: the Pre Flush, non-handwashers, and going after “dropped” possessions. All I ask is that you hold it and take two more steps forward. Frankly, if that’s not close enough then try sitting on it for a while in one of the stalls. For cryin’ out loud...this is a workplace you sick piece of @#$@#$!

It’s hard to believe that there’s still hate crimes being committed in this country’s athletic fields. Last night an I-talian (from Jersey), Rick Porcello threw a pitch AT a Jew, Kevin Youklis. No, I don’t mean he threw a pitch too him that just missed and struck Youklis, Porcello actually threw AT him. If it were just a white guy throwing at a Hispanic guy...well that’s fine...it happens all the time. But there are only a few Jews playing Major League Baseball and we should be a protected class. That’s why I’m glad to see Bud Selig did the right thing (cut this posting out Bud, you might never hear me say you did the right thing ever again!) by suspending Porcello for five games. Oh sure Youklis charged the mound and then threw his batting helmet at the Tigers’ pitcher before tackling him (with form that the Jets could use btw) but Porcello should have known better. I hope his agent and accountant take some more money off the top when he’s not looking. Jews of the world unite!

Um…see all those people eating Matzos?

Evidently the NFL scheduling wizards forgot to look out of their windows onto the streets of New York City to see all of my Jewish brothers and sisters observing the sacred period of Pesach (Passover) this week. You see if they had they may have remembered that a decent percentage of the population of the greater tri-state area is indeed Jewish. And being even semi observant to the faith means that on certain occasions there are things you don’t do (or don’t miss doing as the case may be).

Included in this is attending services during the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur). The challenge the NFL faced this year are that both holidays fall smack dab on Sundays during football season. For that reason both the NY Giants and the NY Jets asked the NFL not to schedule them for home games those days. The rationale was that the teams did not want to offend/upset/irk/or otherwise bother their season-ticket holders who are of the “faith” to have to decide between being pious and missing the home games or being fans and missing their religion. The idea being that if both teams played road games it wasn’t going to be a financial loss to the fans (this is where I indicate that as a Jew if you sold your tickets to the game on a holiday it would be almost as bad as going to the game itself. Very frowned upon.)

But as you guessed, the league didn’t quite get the message. Oh the Giant games those weeks are on the road, no problem, but somehow the letter from the Jets front office got lost in the NFL HQ mailroom (must have been Michael J. Fox….I never trusted him as a mail clerk…or Christopher Murney for that matter.)

Note to the league… if either of these two holiday’s falls on a Sunday…make sure both NY teams are on the road….it really isn’t that hard to figure out.

Jews out.

I Have to Say That for How Long?

“Happy New Year”

How long do we really have to say that? It goes without much explanation that the first time we see certain people after January 1 this serves as an appropriate greeting (or salutation), but beyond a few weeks how much longer do we have to say it? Do we have to greet each person we meet in the new year with, “Yeah I know its April 23^rd but Happy New Year Bob”?

I’ve saved you some time and done some research into the matter. The best answers I can come up with are from a similar question asked in a forum on Linkedin.com. The answers range from “yesterday” to “December 31, [of the year we’ve just entered].” My favorite (and the one I think I’m going to adopt) is February 24^th (the 2008 date for the Chinese New Year.

So for those of you who I don’t see until February 25, 2008 or later, don’t expect a Happy New Year from me (except for the “chosen folks” who will get a La Shana Tova in September).

But I want to hear from YOU. See the poll on the right of the page and let me know what you think. I will post the results on January 8th.

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 3: "JEWMONGOUS"

Sitting at my desk listening to traditional music of the Hanukkah season when all of the sudden a guy named Sean Altman comes on my radio. He is singing of being a Jew in a Nudie Bar on Shabbat and not being able to tip the dancers. (A good point...and can I tip less then a dollar?) He also sings of "Ruben, The Hook Nosed Reindeer*" and other holiday classics.

This lead me to do a bit of research on Mr. Altman and his band: JEWMONGOUS. Well they are a newer group and have just released their debut CD "Taller than Jesus" and I have to tell you after listening to a few of their tracks they are really good. They are up in the satirical class of one Mr. Kinky Friedman.

Here is the website. I highly suggest heading over there and checking out their music. For even more fun they are playing some local DC area spots on Xmas Eve and Xmas Night. I'm going to look into some tickets. Sounds like Fun!

*Ruben the Hook-Nosed Reindeer is actually performed by Mr. Altman's previous (now defunct) band, What I Like About Jew.

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 2: "New Holiday Slogan"

So every year at about this time, those of us who are G-d's chosen people are forced to look at nothing but X-mass decorations, Santa and his gassy reindeer, and hear people ringing bells and yelling "Merry X-mass" at us in front of grocery stores and while trying to "Us" them down over at our neighborhood Walmart.

But the one thing we don't have is our own slogan to yell at people (the ringing of bells is optional...but I prefer an airhorn). That is until now. Yours truly has developed what I think is not only a very seasonable greeting but a damn funny one if I do say so myself (and I do say so!):

Hag Samach!
Now Go Away!

Roughly translated "Hag Samach" is "Happy Holiday". I think this could be THE catch phrase of the next generation and we can all wish our "Non-Chosen" brethren with this simple word play. In fact I believe in it so much, I'm getting a T-shirt printed with the slogan.


Do you like? E-mail me and I'll add you to the order. We can get a discount if we order in bulk....way to "Us" them down!