You Lost What? Where?

Things to do at a ballgame:

• Get there early to see batting practice.
• Enjoy a hot dog and a beer
• See your favorite player launch a home run
• Catch a foul ball

Things NOT to do at a ballgame :

• Loose your gold tooth down a toilet in the public restroom
• Reach your hand into said toilet to try and retrieve it and in the process getting your arm stuck prompting you to scream for help at the top of your lungs thus necessitating the gathering of security personnel and onlookers to figure out how to get you out of this predicament.

Wait...that didn’t happen. Nobody is that stupid. Are they?

Uh...yeah there are. According to the NY Post a “hapless Mets fan...” found herself in just such a situation last week at the new Citi Field. The full story is here. Go read it and then come on back. I’ll wait.

Are you done? Great. Let’s get going.

What level of stupidity are we talking about here? I would argue that this is right up there with the dope that tried escalator surfing at Shea Stadium last year just before he fell to his death. I do feel bad for this lady though. Gold ain’t cheep (over $900/oz on the commodities exchange) and to drop it in the crapper is never fun. But sometimes dead is dead and gone is gone. I would like to know the following facts that were not included in the article (thankfully):

1) Why was this tooth loose enough to slip out? Aren’t gold teeth/fillings/other dental work usually fairly secure in your choppers and aren’t usually prone to slipping out in the John (Jane)?

2) Did she reach in after the initial “payload” cleared the bowl or was the water still “tainted”? If it’s the later....ewwwwww

3) What do you say if you are the first security officer to respond to this scene? What mind control technique do you use to stop yourself from busting out in utter laughter?

4) Finally, why was the plumbing company called before the fire department/rescue squad? That’s like seeing somebody getting mugged and calling Rolex to find out how to get the other guys watch back before you call the cops.

Suspensions, Maple Syrup, and 1983 Fleer Autographs

The guy was suspended fifty games. Is that too many?

What did he do?

He (Phillies pitcher, JC Romero) took an over-the-counter vitamin supplement that produced not one but two positive drug tests.

Oh. Well, then yeah I guess that’s a good suspension. When did he fail the tests?

In late September, and October.

Wait! He failed the tests and was still allowed to pitch in the World Series?

Yeah. He won Game 3 too.

That’s ridiculous! He should be suspended for the entire season and certainly have missed the World Series!

Of course the above exchange is fictional but the facts are true. I don’t get this. You are a professional athlete who makes millions of dollars (he made $3 million last year) and you have a medical/training staff on hand year round and you decide, on your own, to go to GNC? I equate that level of stupidity to the head of Avis calling up Hertz to rent a car for his upcoming trip. CRAZY! Personally, fifty games isn’t enough. We need stricter penalties for athletes in all sports who violate drug testing rules. I’m thinking of chopping off a finger instead of suspending the player. Just think of it. If you were going to have your finger(s) chopped off would you do ‘roids? Nah. Don’t think so. In fact, I bed that you’d see a 200% drop in the number of drug violations across the board.

On to two really cool stories I came across today that I wanted to share. The first is a mysterious smell that drifted over the island of Manhattan last night. According to the New York Post, over 30 calls were received complaining of a “maple syrup-like” odor in the air. Even though the article doesn’t explain it I’d like to think that it might have something to do with a diner doing a special all you can eat promotion. Ok that’s not the best idea in the world but The Gothamist has more details on this “sticky” story.

Finally the story of Scott Mortimer of Merrimack, N.H., who's on a strange but noble baseball quest. Since 2006, the 37-year-old marketing manager has been trying to get every card in the 1983 Fleer set autographed. As of Dec. 27, he had collected 435 signatures, good for a 64 percent set completion percentage. A tough 36 percent remains. You can read all about his exploits over at Big League Stew.

A Dope and A Dentist

I am writing to alert you regarding two news stories this morning that tickled my fancy. Well to be truthful one tickled the aforementioned fancy and the other one sickened me and further prove that our elected government is dragging our society further into the next realm of Dante’s Inferno (which is different from Disco Inferno.)

Let’s start with the positive; it is the holiday season after all. We begin with the story of Dr. Arthur Nelson, DDS. He is 67 and a dentist in Long Island. He also happens to be a fan of the New York Knickerbockers. Let me rephrase that. He has been a long standing fan of the NY Knicks who was thrown out of a game the other night for having a “printed sign” with him. What was written on the sign that was bad enough to get him thrown out of the game? Did it contain a vulgarity that the 9 year olds in attendance wouldn’t hear on the streets outside of Madison Square Garden after the game? No. Did he hold up a sign that sponsored a company who is in competition with one of the arena, league, or teams’ major corporate partners? Nope. He held up a sign that said “Fire Isiah” (in reference to the Knicks sexually harassing head coach.) Well Mr. Nelson didn’t take this lying down. No way Jose (or Isiah as the case may be). He set up a press conference yesterday in front of the Garden and displayed a 9ft tall “Pink Slip” that he would like James Dollan, head of the Garden who owns the Knicks, to deliver to Isiah Thomas. You can read the whole story here in today’s NY Post

I applaud Dr. Nelson (although I’m not sure I want him working on my teeth). We should all stand up and deliver a similar message to our President and Representatives, especially after reading this story.

The first comes courtesy of our friend Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) It seems the honorable lady from the Bayou has seen it fit to direct over $2 million to DC City schools over the past few years to bolster that city’s failing reading programs. It sounds like Congress has finally realized that the citizens of DC are people too and not just road bumps and obstacles to be avoided on their way to work and when going out for drinks after work. But wait, there’s more. According to an expose in today’s Washington Post, the fine Senator stipulated that those funds have to be used to purchase the Voyager Expanded Learning literacy program. It turns out that Voyager raised quite a bit of money for the Senator (to the tune of over $80,000). What was that you say? Is that a politician directing Federal tax dollars to a specific company while interfering in the District’s education program? Yep. The funny thing is you’d think Senator Landrieu might have directed that money to the New Orleans city school system. Oh I don’t know, they are still reeling in a post-Katrina rebuilding process and I’m sure $2 million would have come in very handy. I would even accept if she directed the same money to DC schools for a “reading program” with no stipulation as to which program/vendor they had to use. We saw Landrieu’s incompetence during the Katrina aftermath and we see it again a lot closer to home. Senator, do me a favor, spend some time teaching reading to kids in the DC schools. You could make a real difference instead of taking money and suckling at the government teat.

Ike 'Beats' Tina To Death

File this under the "I can't believe it's really true" file. Ike "Bloody Knuckles" Turner, rock and roll icon, passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 76 (now if only Bobby Brown can make it that far). He certainly brought a lot to music including his former wife and punching bag Tina, who he brought on to the "scene."

But no obituary can really do this man justice like the headline that ran in today's NY Post:

Again I wish I could have made this up but this is the real headline that ran in the paper. Sure it's inapropriate but you're laughing at it right now...and you know it.