Holiday Themes Continue: Part 1: "Bad Santa"

You all have seen (or should immediately add it to your Netflix cue) the movie "Bad Santa" featuring Billy Bob Thronton and Bernie Mac (as well as John Ritter in one of his last movie rolls) but today Microsoft revealed that it had pulled the "plug" on it's own Jolly Fat Man.

According to an Associated Press article. The computing giant had created an automated bot messenger address where kids could go and IM with Santa. Well two little girls got on there and kept asking the Fat Man of the North if he "wanted to eat some pizza?" After a few replies back along the lines of "I'm not sure what you're asking", the girls kept at it and finally got an automated reply back of "You want me to eat what?!? It's fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else."

Gasp.... "BAD SANTA"
or
Sly Grin... "Bad Santa baby!"

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is but it's interesting none the less and I have the moral obligation to point out that if Apple had posted a messenger bot "none of this would ever have happened."

To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk

The I-man Is Back...

...well not quite yet. We do have to wait until Monday morning at 6am but for all intensive purposes Don Imus' 8-month hibernation from radio is over on Monday.

I shouldn't have to recap what happened to him back in April when he made some choice comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Bottom line, his words were in bad taste and could be offensive, BUT they were not against any law but yet he was punished like he shot someone dead on live TV.

The point is he is back and I'm psyched. He'll be broadcasting on WABC radio 770am in New York and syndicated by a few stations across the country on Citadel's Broadcasting Network. It will also be simulcasted on RFD network (currently available on Dish and DirectTV).

Most of the guests are coming back too with the exception of the spineless pantywaists at Newsweek, who are cowering behind the Management's decision to ban them from appearing on the show.

Now it's time again to discuss Fat Al Sharpton. I can only hope after the niceties are taken care of tomorrow morning (welcome back, good to be here, et al) that the I-man takes his verbal sword and sticks in threw this jackass's eye. No fate that Sharpton can suffer short of death is going to make me happier. He is the lowest of the low and the Black community in America deserves all the criticism they get when they let him "speak for them." He has no actual credibility but yet the news media runs to him and drools over every word he has to say. I can't even begin to understand why.

On a related note...I was reading articles about the I-man's return yesterday and came across this nugget from the Topeka, KS Capitol Journal.

Scroggins to protest return of Don Imus

The Capital-Journal

Published Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Human rights activist Sonny Scroggins will be at the Capitol at noon Monday as Civil War soldier James Whitfield Ross of the First Kansas Colored.

The appearance will coincide with the return of Don Imus to the airwaves on WABC radio in New York

. Imus was fired from his talk show because of negative remarks he made about the Rutgers women's basketball team.

Scroggins is continuing the protest against "misogynist lyrics" in gangsta rap. The public is invited to attend and participate in the protest.

For more information on the protest at the Capitol, call Scroggins at (785) 232-3761 or (785) 845-6148.

As I pointed out in my letter to the editors can someone over there please tell me what a man dressed as a civil war soldier has to do with either a radio talk show host or "misogynist lyrics in gangsta rap? What do those 3 things have to do with one another (besides the fact that Lincoln's favorite music was gansta rap...he loved to shake "dat tang")? Is he protesting because Imus and the rappers both referred to nappy headed hos as "nappy headed hos"? Or is it because he's just a dope. I'm in for the latter. If you are in Kansas and reading this...call this idiot and really bitch him out. He deserves it for being yet another person in an ever continuing line of people who abuse their first amendment rights by protesting the things that nobody cares about. How is this news?!?!?!

Thanksgiving. ACT II: To Chow or Not to Chao

I'll save you the drama and disappointment in both "Grandma Goes for a Walk" and "The Jets Lay a Thanksgiving Egg" by saying that both were disappointments but only one was avoidable. And besides, I'd rather get on with the food!

On Saturday we took the Wife and the Father-in-Law out for their traditional Birthday dinner. Instead of the usual Japanese Steakhouse (which has been spotty lately after years of great food), we ventured for something a bit fancier to mark the occasions of their 30th and 60th birthdays, respectively.

So off to Fogo de Chao we went. For those of you who haven't been to a "Brazilian steakhouse", I won't bore you with all the details on how things are done. Rather, read this post from the DC Foodies site for the full rundown of how it works and so on. This way we can get to the real "Meat" of the discussion.

We ate to our hearts content obviously but I found that as part of this new diet (by the way I'm down a total of 11 lbs in 5 weeks....yeah me!) I've adopted the "law of diminishing returns" and noticed that each cut of meat that was brought to my plate lost the bulk of it's flavor after a few bites. So at the end my plate looked like a scrap heap of assorted meat products. This way I got to taste everything (and somethings twice).

Overall the food was good but not great. I thought the salad/antipasto bar had a nice selection with quality products. I think it would have been better (as the Foodies describe) to have some of those items brought to the table mid meal as a palette cleanser.

Speaking of diets and Fat Americans, I took a mid meal break to get a few "changes of pace" from the salad bar and was in line behind a very large woman who appeared to be going for her pre meal plate. Even though it's an all you can eat MEAT restaurant, she proceeded to load her plate with 2 pieces of bread, 4-5 pats of butter, all sorts of cheese, in addition to the rest of the items on the bar. It shocks me that if you pay the kind of money per person to eat at this place that you'd save PLENTY of room for the actual MEAT. And if you can eat all that and a sizable portion of the meat, you may want to cut back on one or the other....or just go and get a little bit of exercise.