A Dope and A Dentist

I am writing to alert you regarding two news stories this morning that tickled my fancy. Well to be truthful one tickled the aforementioned fancy and the other one sickened me and further prove that our elected government is dragging our society further into the next realm of Dante’s Inferno (which is different from Disco Inferno.)

Let’s start with the positive; it is the holiday season after all. We begin with the story of Dr. Arthur Nelson, DDS. He is 67 and a dentist in Long Island. He also happens to be a fan of the New York Knickerbockers. Let me rephrase that. He has been a long standing fan of the NY Knicks who was thrown out of a game the other night for having a “printed sign” with him. What was written on the sign that was bad enough to get him thrown out of the game? Did it contain a vulgarity that the 9 year olds in attendance wouldn’t hear on the streets outside of Madison Square Garden after the game? No. Did he hold up a sign that sponsored a company who is in competition with one of the arena, league, or teams’ major corporate partners? Nope. He held up a sign that said “Fire Isiah” (in reference to the Knicks sexually harassing head coach.) Well Mr. Nelson didn’t take this lying down. No way Jose (or Isiah as the case may be). He set up a press conference yesterday in front of the Garden and displayed a 9ft tall “Pink Slip” that he would like James Dollan, head of the Garden who owns the Knicks, to deliver to Isiah Thomas. You can read the whole story here in today’s NY Post

I applaud Dr. Nelson (although I’m not sure I want him working on my teeth). We should all stand up and deliver a similar message to our President and Representatives, especially after reading this story.

The first comes courtesy of our friend Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) It seems the honorable lady from the Bayou has seen it fit to direct over $2 million to DC City schools over the past few years to bolster that city’s failing reading programs. It sounds like Congress has finally realized that the citizens of DC are people too and not just road bumps and obstacles to be avoided on their way to work and when going out for drinks after work. But wait, there’s more. According to an expose in today’s Washington Post, the fine Senator stipulated that those funds have to be used to purchase the Voyager Expanded Learning literacy program. It turns out that Voyager raised quite a bit of money for the Senator (to the tune of over $80,000). What was that you say? Is that a politician directing Federal tax dollars to a specific company while interfering in the District’s education program? Yep. The funny thing is you’d think Senator Landrieu might have directed that money to the New Orleans city school system. Oh I don’t know, they are still reeling in a post-Katrina rebuilding process and I’m sure $2 million would have come in very handy. I would even accept if she directed the same money to DC schools for a “reading program” with no stipulation as to which program/vendor they had to use. We saw Landrieu’s incompetence during the Katrina aftermath and we see it again a lot closer to home. Senator, do me a favor, spend some time teaching reading to kids in the DC schools. You could make a real difference instead of taking money and suckling at the government teat.

To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk

Number 21 Forever?

Sad news out of Miami today as Washington Redskin Defensive Back, Sean Taylor has died as a result of a gunshot wound suffered Monday during an apparent break in at his Florida home.

I like many football fans, and others, are saddened and shocked by this news and while I'm not a fan of the Washington Redskins I do sympathize with their employees (including his teammates) and his family.

This is where my sympathy stops. It is also where your's should stop too. I'm talking to you REDSKIN FAN! Oh Yes, you yet again show just how much of a dope you are. Why are you going to the Redskin's practice facility and leaving flowers by the tree? Did you know Sean personally? Did you guys hang out or talk on the phone after games? Maybe you grabbed some beers after a tough day on the practice field? NO! No you didn't and you didn't know him other then the guy who wore #21 (for 3 seasons....we're not talking about Darrell Green here). You can be sad and then shake your head with the "that's a tragedy" look on your face when your co-workers bring it up.

First read this article from the Washington Post from today about "fan's utter despair at this shocking news".

Now let me ask you this. If you are shot dead tomorrow in your home (or even at a Redskin game), do you think that Coach Joe Gibbs and the offensive linemen are going to come by your home and leave flowers and a teddy bear by your trees? The answer is NO. They don't know you and will only have that same "tragedy" look and then move on with life. You should try that some time.

I don't know Sean Taylor personally either, I freely admit. What I do know about him is reports from the newspaper that he was indicted last year on a charge that he waved a hand gun at a man who he was in an argument with. He later plead guilty to a lesser charge but he still had the gun. Then 8 days ago his house was broken into and a knife was left on his bed. If my house got broken into I'd have a security company there the next morning setting up as much of a system as I could afford. If I had NFL player money, I'd not only have a state of the art system, but dogs, electric fence, and armed security guards patrolling my property 24-7. No expense would be too great to protect my 1 year old daughter.

Sadly, none of these precautions were taken. Clearly this is a sad case but I'm not sure I don't understand why the cops weren't called as soon as he was awoken by the noise, especially in light of what had happened a week earlier. No, he went down with his "machete" which he kept for "self defense." (makes my pocket knife look puny.)

Soldiers and policemen and firemen and rescue workers die everyday protecting our freedom and making this world a safer place for us. They are not mourned by the public like this. Taylor was a football player. That's it. He got paid way too much money (they all do) to play a children's game to entertain you. This is a really bad thing....I'm scared to see what happens when Britney finally kicks the bucket!

Bottom line is that his family and friends and coworkers/teammates should morn him, you REDSKIN FAN can be sad but then figure out who's going to take his place in the line-up because ultimately that's all you care about in the long run anyway.