Keep Your Vomit To Yourself

I'm trying to enjoy my new scent and I don't need you screwing it up with your vile liquid and chunks and...is that...did you eat licorice recently? Well whatever it is, do it in the other direction. Besides, I just spent a lot of money on my new fragrance, New York Yankees.

Oh yes, I did say that. The Yankees have packaged the essence of their team into a small glass bottle, and now I too can smell like my heroes. Nothing turns on the sewer rats, err women, like sweat, dirty jocks, and the stench that comes from having the biggest payroll, the best players and still failing to even get to the World Series. Now if that doesn't bear the socks off of Old Spice, I don't know what does!

So the Yankees marketing gurus sat down at a meeting (I could only assume that George Costanza wad present) to discuss new revenue streams. One executive says, "well we could market be jerseys. We already have them for dogs, what about for cats, or birds?" Another says, "what if we charged fans for keeping foul balls the catch?" That's when perfume boy steps up and says, "what if we had all the players take a wad of chew and they all spit into one bottle? We could make millions!"

It had to go something like that because the only other way I see this hair brained idea coming to fruition is a bottle of Jack, a whole load of blow and a few East Asian hookers. And who wants to think like that.

What's worst then bringing a bad product to market is people bring this piece of trash and dousing themselves in it. What's you goal (other then to nauseate those around you? Are you trying to get the players to notice you when you are at the game? This stuff is powerful bit it'd not enough to dampen the smell of pot from the bleachers. So why are you wearing it? The team does not run out and buy Eau de Vinny or Drakar Jamal. Don't worry ladies. The team is thinking of you too....you get (and I kid you not) "New York Yankees for Her".

The Jerk Store called. They are running out of you.

Unisex Ok...But What's that Smell?

Readers, I owe you one posting.

Actually I owe you many postings. I have slacked yet again and as much as I’d like to blame it on Joe Wilson, Kanye West, or Crystal Meth, I really only have myself to blame. So now that I’m done being lazy, lets get it on.

If you remember back a while we discussed the need for clear(er) signs on bathrooms so that when you “have to go” you don’t need to waste precious time figuring out if that squiggle on the door means “Mens” or “Womens” or “Squiggles”. Well at lunch yesterday I ran into the ultimate challenge, a unisex bathroom.

Remember back again (will you please). About 12 years back when Ally McBeal was all the rage. The law firm’s unisex bathroom was the sceene of many debates, sexual encounters, and occasionally even a toilet flush. Well when I walked in to this unnamed Asian Café’s bathroom I was presented with one long trough-style sink opposite eight doors to separate stalls each with it’s own individual porcelain-g-d. The only designation between the doors are an etched glass man and woman shadow.

Fine, I can live with that, just find the ones that look like guys and we’re in business. First try, no lock on the door. Second try, lock on the door but it doesn’t work. Third try, ah the charm, a door that has a lock and works. All that for about 30 seconds or less worth of actual “quality time” and I wonder why I can’t get anything done at work.

For the last time, bathrooms are an important item in our daily lives. They MUST be marked accordingly. No more wishy-washy markings and for crying out loud...no more unisex (single bathrooms –with sink—are an exception). Nobody thinks your trendy or edgy because you do this. In fact if anything, it’s going to make me not want to eat at your establishment. I’m just like Costanza....I can find the best public restrooms anywhere in a city...name the place and I’ll name that john.

To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk