The (Bathroom) Sins Of Our Fathers

Is there such a thing as a bathroom-phobe? No that's not the right word because I'm not scared of the can but rather obsessed with writing about it. From pulling out "road wins", to strange signs, on down to giving extra attention to water conservation, I notice that it is among my most mulled over topics. Perhaps that's because of the wonderful material found there (not the stuff found on the floor though).

Enter our first entry in this shortened presidents day week. It started on Sunday morning at swim class for the little fella. We were done with our lesson, he was with Mrs. Bloggerman and I was in the men's locker room changing for lunch. There was another father in there with his young daughter. Nothing new here and I was just finishing up putting my shoes on as they were about to walk out. The father asks his daughter to wait a second while he saddles up to the urinal. As he's taking care of business, the little girl asks, "Daddy is this a 'fragile' bathroom?"

I'm not sure who had "confused" on their face more, me or the Dad. But using his advanced fathering skills he didn't miss a beat and asked her what she meant. Then as if everybody else in the world knew what she was talking about she continues, "You know, one of those where you have to wash your hands."

Ah the innocence of a child. Clearly she doesn't remember what her parents taught her, the schools teach her, and what society teaches her. Of course her father was set to clear this up right away. He was going to tell her to wash her hands anytime she goes into the bathroom. He opens his mouth and says, "Honey, you only have to wash your hands when you poop. We don't have to do it if we just pee."

Thankfully I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor in time to see him finish, zip his fly and walk out with his daughter (without washing his hands). I sat there for a few moments trying to digest what I just saw. After swallowing the small amount of vomit in my mouth, I washed my own hands and wet down a paper towel to hose off the locker room door handle.

If you are not yet disgusted from this story, you either have no moral compass or you've stopped reading (which means that your not reading this now so I can say pretty much anything thing I want about you). But it gets me thinking that there should be some basic rules every man teaches his son or daughter about using the restroom:

1) Toilet Seats
If you are a guy, lift the seat up (with your foot if need be) if you are going to pee. You should, of course, already tried to get to a urinal, trough, or empty bottle but if it's a must, please think of the next guy who needs to come "lay some pipe". If you are using a unisex (stop chuckling!)  bathroom please put the seat back down when you're done. It makes the rest of us look bad when you don't.


2) Toilet Paper
Ladies, we need paper too. Stop using 1/2 a roll every time you walk into a bathroom. As Elaine once said, please spare a square (or several).  And for crying out loud, of you finish the roll, replace it...don't just leave the cardboard roll hanging out there with that last square of paper super-glued to the tube.

3) Washing Your Hands
This is only targeted to a few people (including my swim class parents). Every time you get close to a toilet, wash your hands. That's warm water, soap, lather, rinse, dry. You don't need to sing "Happy Birthday" twice or "Row Row Row Your Boat", but you do need to lather a little bit.

Ok, off my bathroom soapbox. Back on to my regular soapbox tomorrow.


NOT WASHINGTON HANDS AFTER peeing

Pleasant Surprises and Unholy Nightmares

There are times in life when we confront a norm and find a new solution that surprises us and opens our eyes to something new. Then there are times when we see that new solution and realize it’s a nightmare of Wes Craven proportions. And just when you think this is going to be another in a long line of urinal stories you are correct.

During a recent trip to the outlet mall (which in and of itself has lost all meaning...remember when they were actually selling seconds and irregulars and out of season...now it’s just another mall...but I digress) I felt the “urge” to visit the nearest water closet and “free the beast”. In other words, I had to tinkle. I saddle and see a sign indicating that the urinal I was about to use was “waterless.” Humm...what does that mean? Well sports fans, according to waterless.com “The urinal bowl surfaces are smooth and urine repellent; urine is 95% liquid and its drainage is effected without flush water through gravity. Daily cleaning procedures are the same as for flushed urinals, yet save time per urinal.” Well how about that?! It sounds like a great idea, save water and cut costs. However what they don’t tell you is that clean up time is only reduced IF the patrons can hit the urinal with their stream. You see what I discovered is that upon stepping in and reading this sign and using the urinal is that there was a hell of a lot of “liquid” on the ground I was stepping on that wasn’t mine (or evidently the urinal’s). So thanks to all the slobs who couldn’t manage to hit the bowl and to the fine janitorial crews for doing such a crappy job of mopping. This Bud’s for you!

And not to be out done are the folks over at your local supermarkets. How can a store who’s sole purpose is to sell you food have a restroom that would give a highway gas station a run for it’s money? Now mind you I’m not talking about your classy groceries like Whole Foods or Trader Joe's or even Mars (never been in one but really want to try it). No, I’m looking at you Safeway and you Giant. What the hell is with you people? Do you not smell that? That’s dried pee not an air freshener (unless it is an air freshener and then it’s really disturbing). Seriously, go over to isle 11 and pick up some Lysol or Febreze and take care of that disaster area!

A Sad Day in DC and New Urinal Idiosyncrasies

Ben Ali, Rest In Peace. At age 82, the founder of Ben’s Chili Bowl – a DC Institution since it’s 1958 opening, died last night. He passed “peacefully” of congenative heart failure at his home. Ben and his Chili Bowl were things you had to experience if you live in DC or even if you visit for a few days. His shop was located a ways from the Mall or the Monuments or even the Museums but at the corner of 12th and U streets in Northwest the smell of chili covered half smokes practically wafted all the way down to the Smithsonian, calling you uptown.

Although I haven’t had the opportunity to go back to the store in a few years (I have visited the stand at National’s park on several occasions) I still am going to miss having a guy like Ben around. He was a special kind of genuine person which is hard to find in this town of lying politicians, bribe issuing lobbyists, and so many lawyers you’d need a forest of paper towels just to wipe the BS off of your shoes.

I plan a trip up to the Bowl real soon and if you ever wonder into the District suggest you do the same. Here’s a nice piece by the Post to finish up on.

Now on to the urinal. We’ve spoken in this space before about buzz-worthy topics such as the extra flush, the restroom sign, the germ-a-phobe and others. However today I experienced something new that I was quite unprepared for. As I was “taking care of business” a guy saddles up next to me and proceeds to drop trou and start doing his thing. Um...yeah...buddy...that thing on the front of your pants. I think they call it a “zipper”. Its not just there for show you know....you can use it as a way to get “it” out without undoing buttons, hooks, and ...eek...even belts. I’m just saying that you might want to do it the easy and neat way. What if you accidently let the pants fall...now they’re all wet with liquids that I’d rather not think about and you have to go back to your office where all of your co-workers are sure to laugh and point at you once your back is turned. Just play it simple and keep the button/belt on. If you have the unsettling urge and must absolutely take it all off, go to the stall and at least pretend that you’re laying pipe.

HOV Traffic, The Floor is Not a Toilet, and Baseball Hate Crimes

We start today with the HOV lane. If you live in or around a large metro area you probably have seen these marvels of modern engineering. The High-Occupancy-Vehicle lane can mean different things to different people. No matter if you need four, three, or even a measly two people per car to take part in the lane’s access to less traffic and a quicker commute to/from work you know that there are people who openly flaunt the law and try to join you in the commute time savings even though their ve-hic-le doesn’t meet the minimum human requirements to ride there. I stress human, because there are numerous stories of people putting gym bags, dogs, and even mannequins in their passenger compartments in order to fool the police. Don’t believe me? Check out the folks over at Oregon Live Blog who detailed such a story. But the question is even if you don’t try to fool the cops, is it worth it to try and break the law by riding in the HOV’s when you shouldn’t be? This article in the Washington Post plays both sides but I think not. My In-Laws saw many of these violators while stuck in traffic on I-95 South yesterday between DC and Richmond and were wondering. I have to argue that it can’t possibly be worth a $1,000 fine. When you drive during peak hours you have to expect traffic, that’s part of living the American Dream near a big city. If you don’t plan for it then tough. There are certain exceptions here of course. If a bad accident snarls things up or a jumper decides to off himself by taking a leap off of your favorite river crossing the HOV lanes start to become mighty inviting but trust me, they’ll also clog up so you might as well pull over and have a drink. After all the penalties for drunk driving (not that I’m advocating it) are sometimes less harsh for first offenses then HOV violations. I’m just sayin’

Continuing on to that smell in the Men’s room. Wait...why is the floor near the urinal so wet? Oh no they didn’t! Oh yes they did. You...I’m taking to you...they guy who couldn’t even wait until you got the extra two steps to the urinal...the FLOOR IS NOT A TOILET!!! Add this to my list of bathroom misdeeds: the Pre Flush, non-handwashers, and going after “dropped” possessions. All I ask is that you hold it and take two more steps forward. Frankly, if that’s not close enough then try sitting on it for a while in one of the stalls. For cryin’ out loud...this is a workplace you sick piece of @#$@#$!

It’s hard to believe that there’s still hate crimes being committed in this country’s athletic fields. Last night an I-talian (from Jersey), Rick Porcello threw a pitch AT a Jew, Kevin Youklis. No, I don’t mean he threw a pitch too him that just missed and struck Youklis, Porcello actually threw AT him. If it were just a white guy throwing at a Hispanic guy...well that’s fine...it happens all the time. But there are only a few Jews playing Major League Baseball and we should be a protected class. That’s why I’m glad to see Bud Selig did the right thing (cut this posting out Bud, you might never hear me say you did the right thing ever again!) by suspending Porcello for five games. Oh sure Youklis charged the mound and then threw his batting helmet at the Tigers’ pitcher before tackling him (with form that the Jets could use btw) but Porcello should have known better. I hope his agent and accountant take some more money off the top when he’s not looking. Jews of the world unite!

Another Germ-a-phobe

For those of you dedicated readers, you may remember my rant on the uber-sanitary habits of the guy at the urinal next to me. Well I obviously the people that work in and around my office clearly don’t share the same fierce sense of having to read this space because they are at it again.

Today I walked in to do some “thinking” and at the same time in walked another like minded individual. He entered the stall next to mine and while I took a quick swipe with tissue of the seat and got to “work” he was not as fast. This dope felt the need to flush first (even though there very well was nothing in there) and then instead of using the provided seat covers (what a waste of money) he feels the need to line the seat like it’s in the only gas station in a bad neighborhood and you’re having a save your pants or your soul moment.

Stop the insanity. Mary Lou Retton was the one who reminded us that you can’t even get AIDS from a toilet seat. But it is Judy Forman writing in The Boston Globe who gives us a more definitive list of what you can get from a dirty seat. I think it’s interesting that probably the worst thing out there is e-coli but only if you touch a dirty (fecal covered) seat and then put your hands in your mouth.

Which brings us to the final question on this matter.


Hey you over there....
Yeah...
Are you going to finish that?
Ewwww.
Well at least I’m going to wash my hands!
Ewwww....