Shucking for God

I guess it's better then "Sucking for Luck" so in that regard I'm supporting Mike Martin of Panama Bay, Florida as my designated "Nobody Likes a Jerk Oyster Shucker of The Year".

Martin successfully defended his title of Top US Oyster Shucker for the 3rd year in a row on Sunday in St. Mary's County, MD.  What you didn't know there was a top oyster shucker award? Don't worry you're not alone.

Martin beat out a full field including the first ever woman to appear in the finals for the title. But this is the catch, in his acceptance speech, he actually said, "I just had God behind me, I guess, the last three years...".

WOW...G-d was behind you in this venture? So the Ruler of all Creation, Lord of Everything He Sees, Creator of the World took time out of his busy Sunday schedule of helping wide receivers, quaterbacks, and sometimes even a kicker win football games (because of course their skill, ability, and all the time and dedication of their support staff had nothing do to with it what-so-ever), to help you win an oyster shucking contest in Maryland.

Which of course leads me to the point of why was the "National Title" decided in Maryland. When you think of oysters, cities like New Orleans, New York, and even Boston come to mind. Heck, I'd even be OK with Baltimore. But St. Mary's county? Really?  Really?

I'll let my general level of disdain settle down a bit for the choice of location to crown a champion and go back to his general remarks about help from a divine presence. If G-d can help you win the Oyster Shucking Title how come he's not helping prevent bloodshed in Syria?  Why isn't he helping heal this country of it's bigotry and intolerance by allowing all people to have a voice and understanding attitudes toward others?  Why wasn't he helping Stephen Hill catch that ball as time was winding down in the fourth quarter yesterday? 

Oh yes, because he was helping you win some meaningless title. So I will blame you for the fact the Jets couldn't put away the game in the final minutes...way to go Mike!

But seriously....you didn't have G-d on your side. You had a shucking knife, no major career advancements, and lots if time to practice. No amount of your religious faith came into the equation. If you think it did, how do you explain your opponent finishing 14 seconds after you? Did she not have a higher power looking over her? Was she Jewish (which would have been ironic, what with the Keshruit laws and shellfish).

Why do you think that a high power is at play at something so completely skill based as shucking oysters. I don't remember hearing the Dishwasher of the Year thank Jesus for helping her.  Just stick to shucking. 

My Brother From Another Mother and the FBI Is Hacking You

Are there a few of us out there?  Sure. Many moons ago when the "Toaster" came into my family I embraced it and joined up with a group of similarly minded individuals called the Element Owners Club. There I met others who loved E's as much as me and a few that were even lucky enough to grab the personalized plates "TOASTER" in their respective states.  I, of course, am that lucky guy in Maryland. About 5 years ago I got to meet the DC plate holder and today I met my New Hampshire Brother from another mother (dealership/state/etc).

I was on my way back from claiming my free doughnut over at Krispy Kreeme in honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I was very happy to receive something for virtually nothing but the deal was if you talk like a pirate, you get a free doughnut. If you wear pirate costume you got a free dozen. Unfortunately I'm a little short on pirate gear since I donated my puffy shirt from the Idiot-rod a few years back but I did have my Brother-in-Law's Derrick Brook's Tampa Bay Buccaneer's jersey. I think if I went with a matching hat I might have had an outside shot at the free box but alas.

Back to the Toasters, I saw "New Hampshire" one car up on my right and I pulled in behind him and tried to get a shot of his license plate (in full violation of Maryland law) but to no avail as the sun was still on it's way up. But he must have saw me since he signaled for me to pull up next to him. We chatted for a minute at a stop sign and pulled into a parking lot to take a picture. His has about 60,000 miles on mine (his is an '04 and mine an '07) but he gave me some good advice on the belt clamps that I'll bring to my mechanic's attention.

Once I got over the excitement that is my life, I made it home to finish cleaning off my parent's computer. It was infected with malware that makes it look like the FBI has locked your computer for illegal activity. Of course it's a scam and because they lock the OS the only way to shut it down is to do a hard reboot. I eventually found a good explanation of what the scam is and how to fix it (hint: you need to go into the registry and some other stuff). But my folks were concerned and even though they talked to me and I told them it was a scam, they went home and called the FBI to check. Cute right? I ended up cleaning it up for them and reinstalling the Anti-Virus software but they also called the Geek Squad at Best Buy who wanted $200 to clean up the damage. Damn...maybe thats where I need to be looking for work.

Let Them Eat Cake!

Cake? The people I elected to represent me at the state level are debating cake. No, I am NOT kidding. They are really debating the merits of Cake. Smith Island Cake to be exact, and whether or not it should be the “State Dessert.” So lets take a moment and think about this. It would appear that if they have time to debate such a “sweet” topic that they have already introduced (and passed on to the Governor’s desk) legislation to deal with crime, schools, healthcare, the environment, public safety, the mortgage crisis, emergency management, immigration, help for small business, roads and transportation, and any other bit of state business that is more important that completing legislation that will signal the state’s sweet tooth.

By the way, during this same session , they were not yet able to pass a ban on using your cell phone while driving. One representative from a rural part of the state tried to argue that his constituents would have to pull over on the side of a road without a shoulder to make a phone call…evidently he missed the 4 million stores and websites selling headsets for as low as $5. So he thinks you can afford a $200 cell phone but can’t shell out another few bucks for a headset or speaker. I think he’s had too much Smith Island Cake.

Speaking of the aforementioned cake, what is it? I had never heard of it until a few days ago when I first heard of the deep philosophical debate happening deep in the bowls of the Maryland State House. Smith Island Cake is not much more then its name signifies. It is a chocolate layer cake, first baked on Smith Island in the Chesapeake Bay. It consists of anywhere between 6-12 razor-thin layers of yellow cake frosted with chocolate goodness. It serves, as the great AB often reminds us, as a true “icing delivery system.”

But even with all it’s deliciousness put aside, does it deserve the moniker as the “State Dessert of Maryland”? I don’t know. I guess it’s better then a crab-sicle but what else is out there. I think that a landmark decision like picking the state dessert is not one that should be taken lightly and thrown in to the mix during the end of a legislative session. It needs to be properly feted out and there needs to be a statewide taste test to make sure the will and voice of the people is heard. I would recommend you start at an address up in Gaithersburg. Just a thought, not a sermon.