They're Funny Because They're Different

The illegal immigration zealots and Florida neighborhood watch officers have this thing all wrong. People from other countries are integral to our culture and society.

Specially they are responsible for much of our gut-busting, smile-inducing, health-improving laughter. We don't need a Federal health care law, we need more funny foreign people.

For almost 200 years of our country's history we have been laughing at immigrants and foreigners behind their backs. We gave Native Americans some "firewater" and laugh for hours as they stumbled around and then signed fake treaties that we just ignored (and laughed at some more) later. We love to point out how our Chinese friends serve delicious chop cats...err suey and sound really funny when singing "Deck the Halls". Oh and don't forget those crazy Canadians with their hockey, root beer, and those "eh"s. Ha those are funny. Even a quick trip down to Branson (a funny joke in and of itself) let's us see 1980s funny man Yakov Smirnoff. We took pleasure laughing at him on one of his many Night Court appearances. In mother Russia, fork in road takes you!

I bring this topic up because know a days we don't need to laugh behind their backs or even let them into the country and feed them liquor or give them prime time tv specials or numbered combo meals (with egg roll). All we have to do now is to turn on our Google machine and our comedy (like this blog) get delivered right to our eyeballs. Today we make stops in Ireland and Kuwait, two locations we've been laughing at for years.

First in Ireland, Sinn Féin councilor Anne Brolly a number of weeks ago, floated the possibility of "O' Danny Boy", the world famous song, actually being played on a daily basis at noon in Limavady, Ireland (about an hour and a half from Belfast) and appears to be gaining momentum at official level. The music for the song was collected by Jane Ross from Limavady and published in 1855 in ‘The Ancient Music of Ireland.’ Brolly wanted the song blasted out from loudspeakers around town (similar to a church bell ringing at the top of the hour). We have some stupid politicians here in America (see Anthony Weiner, Eric Cantor, et al) but I don't think anybody has ever come up with something this dumb. Obviously much of the Limavady public have rejected the idea as “nonsense” and a “silly idea”. But the bill has not died a horrible death yet. Why? Because if it did, how would we make fun of the Irish. What with their general drunkenness and their shamrocks and Lucky Charms cereal it's a cake walk. This is just icing on the green cupcakes. Just think if a state legislator in Sylvester, Georgia decided that Ray Charles should be blasted out everyday around lunchtime to build some community pride. Or maybe we can play some Kinky Friedman up in Rapid City, South Dakota(er) every day at 4pm to let people know the mail is here?

Speaking of crappy music blasting out of loud speakers, Maria Dmitrienko won a gold medal for Kazakhstan on Thursday at the Arab Shooting Championships in Kuwait, but during the award ceremony the public address system broadcast the spoof anthem from the 2006 movie Borat, which offended many Kazakhs by portraying the country as backward and degenerate. Surprisingly The Onion didn't break this story. It's hard to find something funny to say that tops the actual act described, but I'll give it a shot: The joke is really on the Kazakhs who ARE backward degenerates.

If you are desperately seeking the video of this wonderful diplomatic event...it's below:

Arkansas Cage Fighting and The Cookies Came That Way

Two more must share articles because a) it’s Friday and b) its free Slurpee day at 7-11.

In the first article, our friend Borat, aka Sasha Baron Cohen is back at his old tricks, this time arranging for a cage fight (mixed martial arts) down in Arkansas. The crowd was filled to the brim with red necks drinking dollar beers but they didn’t get a cage fight. Well what did they get? If you follow the story here....They got their money’s worth alright but not quite what they were anticipating. It turns out that Cohen and an audience plant whom he pulled into the ring stripped down to their skives and started kissing. My favorite part of this story is not that the local yokels were so upset they started throwing their cups of beer (a cop on the scene actually said, “They had beers in plastic cups. Those things can get some distance on them, actually.”) but rather the fact that the performance “bordered on violating the town’s morality laws.” Um...I don’t want to know why it “bordered” on violation, but rather why are their morality laws in the first place? Isn’t that the job of the parents, preachers, and bartenders? They should be the ones who are giving us our morality, not the government (with the Christian church pulling the strings). Leave it to a Jew to show these hicks for what they are. Now are you sure you want your next president to be a “common man”? I want him to be so elite that these goobers make him sick and he tries to change them. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this country and I’m just the guy to do it (or at least complain about it).

Speaking of getting ahead in the world, or the lack of quality schooling in this country. I present to you the story of Christian Philips, 18, of Watuga County, TX. Mr. Philips was recently arrested and detained for 72 hours after a plate of cookies he brought to a police station as part of a community service requirement was found to be laced with drugs. Well upon further inspection the story (here) goes on to say that the tests turned out to be negative and Mr. Philips was released from jail and charges were dropped. But as the saying goes, “in every lie, there’s an ounce of truth.” Let’s take a look at this under the microscope. Turns out that Mr. Philips was performing community service on behalf of Mothers Against Drunk Driving because he was required by a court of law after a 2007 arrest and conviction (presumably for drunk driving or other alcohol-related offense). When asked by investigators about the cookies, he said “...my friends may have been smoking marijuana in the room while I was baking.” In other words, while he was baking, they were baking. Next time, let your friends eat the cookies and on the way to the police station run by Wal-Mart and just buy some from the box!