I Need To Post Something

It has been 6 months and none of my pre-unemployment predictions have come true. I haven't gotten a job yet (as if you had to ask if that was number 1), I haven't grown my beard out yet (although I've tried a few times), and I haven't kept up on posting to this absolute black hole of space on the interwebs.

I've been doing everything possible to get that first one checked off as it's kind of the reason I'm in this position in the first place. I might have to take a few months and move up to Williston, North Dakota where even WalMart employees are making big bucks. $17 an hour if you care to know. Of course you're living in an oil boom town in the northern most part of the shitiest state in the union. (Mississippi you're now number 2!)  but why dwell on the upside now. I've also tried to grow that beard out several times but keep getting called in to these pesky job interviews where evidently large, random patches of facial hair are frowned upon. Add to that Mrs. Bloggerman always seems to think that I look stupid and I'm constantly shaving.

So that only leaves posting material here. Of course that has slacked off too and the only reason I can come up with is that I don't have a job to complain about nor a beard to give others something to complain about. Thankfully for you my dear readers (all 3 of you) today, something wonderful dropped in my lap today. Lucky You.

The first is that my favorite high school football team, the New York Jets managed to blow another game. Monday Night Football early in the season or if your team is in contention late in the season is an exciting, must see moment. However when your team couldn't beat a team composed of 65 year old lepers it's not quite as exciting. But I'm a trooper and stuck it out for as long as I could. I made it into the third quarter until I couldn't take it any more and just closed my eyes. Fortunately it appears that Mark Sanchez did the same thing. Ok the season is over and I still "have to" root for two more games.

Fortunately for me, my other team "The California Bulls" (yes...those Bulls) are in the Superbowl. Well not the actual Superbowl but rather the fantasy Superbowl created by idiots who can barely run their own lives. I'll update you next Tuesday if I'm the raining champion of absolutely nothing.

What's In a Name?

By the time many of you are reading this, the paperwork will be signed, the documents filed, the bank will have their money and my in-laws will have the keys. The keys to their new home away from home. They have made the plunge and purchased a vacation getaway.

Now you'd think they would get as far away from the hills and heat of the ATL  as possible. But where oh where will they be spending their downtime? They didn't buy on the sunny shores of Miami Beach or the tropical coasts of San Tropez. They didn't buy a home on the slopes of Vail or say closer to their only grandson. Nope. They are in some area called "The North Georgia Mountains" (not to be confused with the non-existent South Georgia Mountains). I believe the town is named after the local Walmart but I'm not sure.

Speaking of names, it's evidently tradition in the south to name your vacation home. I would just call it 1234 Any Street but I've heard that you shouldn't mess with tradition and since names like "The White House" and "House of Blues" are taken, here's my list of suggestions. My In-Laws can choose from this list or create their own. However if they choose the later I will be crushed and disappointed (and I may "accidentally" take a spoon home with me!).

In No Particular Order:

• What Does This Switch Do?
• You Did What?
• Our Other House Is a Refrigerator Box Under the Bridge
• Is It Time to Go Home Yet?
• Burning Down Our House
• House of Cards
• The Kremlin
• Hanukkah Harry HQ
• I Can See Russia From Here
• Bear Food Around Back
• Valuables In The Safe
• Solicitors Welcome

and of course

• Bean Bag Camp (shutter!)

Random Thursday Thoughts

My Grandmother-in-Law has always told me that I was always allowed to beat my wife but I could NEVER beat her granddaughter. (To which I respond that I would never hit my Sister-in Law!). That same lesson applies to children. I never want to see a child receive a beating but a good stern whack on the head or spanking to the backside can be a very effective tool in teaching them proper behavior. That is to say, you can beat your kid but you can NEVER beat somebody else’s kid.

Alas, nobody ever told Roger Stephens, 61, of Stone Mountain, Georgia (yes the same state the lovely woman I married is from!) this very important lesson. It seems that Mr Stephens was inside buying tube socks, rifles, a volex watch or other reasonably priced item when a 2-year old started to cry in his isle. He didn’t take this well and ended up slapping the child. The whole story is here (notice that we’re using the Associated Content story here....no more AP for us!). The lesson...don’t slap a strange kid at Walmart. Do it in the dumpster behind Walmart where nobody will see you.

I was just looking at the seal for the state of Washington. It looks stupid...please change it as soon as possible.

Facebook is not a political outlet. Stop treating it as one. Nobody cares that you like/hate/want to have a baby with President Obama/Moammar Gadhafi/Michael Jackson. Tell me what you ate for lunch, what idiot was on your train this morning, or post pictures of something that I probably don’t care about. Nobody who makes any important political decision in the United States reads your FB posts or cares what you have to say (or what I have to say for that matter). Have fun and take a deep breath....now hold it.....hold it....have you passed out yet?

The Next Great Video Game From EA Sports

I know I've been pushing "Virtual Marathon" for the Wii for some time now but I need to make a quick change of pace and tell you all about the newest offering from our friends over at EA Sports.

Everybody knows about Madden 10 and some of you may have even been so desperate to get your hands on it that you camped out overnight at your local Walmart. That's almost as desperate as writing a blog post every day...oh ....damn.

But now, EA has come out with the coolest, greatest, dope-est ever creation to come in cartridge/disk form. I give you: Adult Men's Softball '09!

How to Say F-off in Arabic and Some Time Off

Add this to the “must have products of 2008 (and beyond)” It’s called Professor Crass International Cursing 101. Essentially you can learn the best cuss words and phrases in a number of different languages. This is 10x cooler then those lame ass Rosetta Stone CD’s. This is from their webpage:

Have you ever gotten really bad service at the dry cleaners and thought, I wish I could curse this woman out in Mandarin? Have you ever been short changed at the corner store and thought, I wish I knew Punjabi and could let this guy have it? Well, class is in session. Professor Crass will teach you how to curse in multiple languages. Professor Crass will not only teach the common curse words but also the ones that are actually used in other countries. This CD will teach you how to curse in 12 languages. Professor Crass will ensure that when you want to curse someone out in a different language, it's going to hurt.

How cool is that???. I, Bloggerman, Command you go to their website and buy this immediately. I will not take NO for an answer (but if you tell me how to perform fellatio on myself in Hindu then we’ll talk)!!

Also I want to let you know that NBLAJ will be on Hiatus until Monday, December 1 (at the earliest) as the Blogerman family will be observing Turkey-Day in the best possible way. We’ll be renting an RV and camping out all week in the parking lot at Wal-Mart (hey 2 consecutive posts where I said the “W” word) waiting for the Black-Friday sale to start.

Happy Consumption of Mass Quantities to You and Yours!

What is it about Republicans and Christianity?

Why does it always seem that members of the GOP feel the need to remind their constituents that Christianity is a major religion and many times impose the weight of the US Government in "endorsing" it? America is still without an "official religion" right? Just checking. I mean after reading this tidbit in today's Des Moins Register:

Rep. Steve King’s, R-Iowa, Christmas resolution — “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith” — boasted 58 co-sponsors, and was set for a voice vote shortly afterward. But a roll call vote was demanded, which postponed the vote until the evening.

Why does Representative King feel the need to waist the people's time and money (he is one of those previously mentioned tax-payer financed salary drawers) with this dribble? Was he not sure that the entire free world is Christian (except for 1/2 who are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Pastafarian, and others)? Was he confused because his local Walmart had up Christmas decorations a few days before LABOR DAY? Or is it just that he's a giant sack of dog vomit? My money is on the later.

There were 9 "no" votes on the floor of the House last night (Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY), Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY), Rep. Diana DeGette (D-CO), Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-FL) (FL), Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA), Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA), Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and Rep. Lynn Woolsey (D-CA).). My hats off to these Congressmen/Women (some of whom are Jewish...imagine that...there are people who aren't Christian!!!). They stood up for the American value of Freedom of Religion and not "An attack on Christianity" as Rep Dog Vomit (I mean King) said in a release on his website this morning.

So once again I ask you my loyal readers to get off your ass and write the Congressman as well as your own and tell him exactly what you think of him and his "Christian American Values".

Now with that out of the way this might shock you. I am 100% in agreement with Ralph Reed. For those of you who don't remember, Mr. Reed was the head of the "Christian Coalition" and an ever present advocate of those same "Christian Values" in Washington, DC for many years. But now he is quoted as saying in today's DC Examiner:

Ralph Reed: Religion questions are getting invasive

December 12, 3:47 AM

Guess Ralph Reed isn’t a fan of all the attention being given to Mitt Romney’s religion lately. The former head of the Christian Coalition recently had this to say to Religious News Service: “We have been conducting doctrinal frisks and theological GI-tract exams of our candidates and we have to remember that these candidates are not running for president of the seminary and they’re not running for pastor in chief. They’re running to be commander in chief at a time of global war on terrorism.”

Kudos to Mr. Reed for (unintentionally ??) pointing out that all this crap about the candidates' faith needs to stop. I don't care if Romney is Mormon. If he's the best candidate, then I'll vote for him (not going to happen). Or if Obama was Muslim and was the best candidate I'd vote for him. Hell I'd even vote for Clinton if I thought she was the best (and she's friggin Satan) but I just don't care about the candidate's religion and if you do and it affects your decision making process then you don't deserve to vote. If Congress had any guts they would ban any political campaigning in places of worship or any (even implied) influence of religious figures in their constituency's voting. The punishment for conviction would be loss of their tax exempt status or just death.

As somebody once said to a Christian protester outside of a movie, "If this geek is getting into Heaven, then I'll hang out in hell!"

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 2: "New Holiday Slogan"

So every year at about this time, those of us who are G-d's chosen people are forced to look at nothing but X-mass decorations, Santa and his gassy reindeer, and hear people ringing bells and yelling "Merry X-mass" at us in front of grocery stores and while trying to "Us" them down over at our neighborhood Walmart.

But the one thing we don't have is our own slogan to yell at people (the ringing of bells is optional...but I prefer an airhorn). That is until now. Yours truly has developed what I think is not only a very seasonable greeting but a damn funny one if I do say so myself (and I do say so!):

Hag Samach!
Now Go Away!

Roughly translated "Hag Samach" is "Happy Holiday". I think this could be THE catch phrase of the next generation and we can all wish our "Non-Chosen" brethren with this simple word play. In fact I believe in it so much, I'm getting a T-shirt printed with the slogan.


Do you like? E-mail me and I'll add you to the order. We can get a discount if we order in bulk....way to "Us" them down!