These Truths Which I Hold Self Evident

Monday was the second inauguration day for President Obama. It was a glorious day of speeches, fanfare, and of course a broken mass transit system. It doesn't matter who you voted for or even if you voted but rather it's a wonderful celebration of the symbolic transfer of power of this country. Not a single shot was fired, no blood poured, and only a few protesters climbed trees.

So here are some "truths" that I've learned:

It was warmer then last time. 
If you go back and look at the weather report for Monday it topped out in the low 50's which is certainly quite a bit warmer then the freezing temps we had to brave out at the Capitol in 2009. Now it didn't hurt that I was sitting in the comfort of my own home this time around surrounded by friends, family, heat, and fresh chili. Speaking of which...

Fritos are gluten free
We generally are healthy eaters around here. We don't stock the cabinets with Twinkies and Snickers. We try to stick to egg whites, fresh vegetables, and lean turkey.  But because of the aforementioned festivities, we added the highly addictive, not so healthy, fried corn chips to our pantry. They went great with the chili but unfortunately not so well that they were completely gone. So because I don't have much to fill my days with anymore I took to reading the small print in the packaging. Did you know they are gluten free? Me neither. Now I don't know if they are also glue-free but at least I can eat them knowing that I won't suffer from the effects of celiac disease. Plus if I can't stop eating them at least there's a reason out there.

Levin and Franklin are related?
One of our esteemed guests on Monday was observing that there was a lot of shots of Senator Carl Levin of Michigan. It also seems that the esteemed Senator looks a heck of a lot like another Senator. Ben Franklin. Well actually Senator Ben Franklin was from Texas and served in the late 1800's. But the Founding Father Ben Franklin is whom I'm referring too. They really do look a lot alike. As one blogger pointed out, "If Levin had syphilis he'd be Franklin." Hopefully he didn't mean Senator Franklin too...I always thought of him more as a gonorrhea type fellow.

That is all for now. We'll see what happens in January 2017. Hopefully I'll have some new material by then.




 

All These Porta Johns...

And not a bolt cutter to be found. So its a lot of "lookie" and very little "cookie" for me as I ran up and down Capitol Hill this past Saturday.

The setup was already in place for next Monday's inauguration ceremonies. There were bleachers, snow fencing, folding chairs, and temporary lighting was all in place and ready to go. The technicians were out making some tweaks. And the best part was the Port-a-Johns. Oh the Port-a-Johns.

They were lined up for days, miles even. Beautiful shades of blue and green. All fully stocked with toilet paper and hand sanitizer, no doubt. But there's a catch.

Actually it's a lock. Well a lot of them. Each and every unit is locked. I'm not talking about simple plastic zip ties that can be broken with a few good pulls. Nope. These are all pad locked shut. This wouldn't be a problem but even with the jogging stroller a bolt cutter tends to stand out. Plus the added weight will change your mile time something fierce.

So that was the position I was in last weekend. Now of course it would be my luck that whenever I need to "answer the call" I'm always in the middle of nowhere or even worse, in the middle of somewhere without a bathroom. So this time, I'm in the middle of bathrooms and don't have to go.

Such is my luck. Of course last time around I was very grateful for these bathroom offerings. To be that close to the johns with virtually no lines after so much morning coffee was a true blessing. But I was especially grateful that I wasn't stuck in the Purple Tunnel of Doom. 

Speaking of such it's good to see that organizers are taking precautions this time around but I think it won't really matter. Between a second term and an impending snow storm (don't think it can actually get colder than last time). 

List of Things You Need to Secure the Nomination for President

Rather this is a list of things you should try to avoid if you plan on putting your name on a state's nominating ballot.

1) Multiple marriages with accusations of walking out while your wife is battling serious illness. I don't have an issue with multiple marriages per se, you and your partner (and your mistress) should be happy. But you can't walk out TWO different times on two women while one is fighting cancer and the other has just been diagnosed with MS. One of the reasons that the primary season is so long (it could really be done in just one day...another post coming on that) is so you can decide if these people are able to lead the government. I'd remind some of the candidates that you can't just walk out on the presidency to take up the reigns of Canada just because they are a younger country.

2) Spending the better part of your political career representing a moderate New England state where many of your polices were anything but "conservative", then trying to paint yourself as a right wing, bible thumping, Conservative. It doesn't work like that, at least not since the advent of the recorded word. Don't you realize that if you contradict your own words, you will be called out on it. The same goes for the other side of the equation if you proclaim to be more right wing then the KKK don't try to claim your a moderate if you actually win the nomination.

3) Get a firm grip on the Constitution and the general gist of how the Federal Government operates. I might even recommend watching "I'm Just a Bill" for clarification. I'm so sick of hearing wild proclamations about which laws will be repealed and how something is Unconstitutional just because you day it is. As a point of reference, the primary voters may also want to attend this session, because they seem to be quick to cheer when one of those above proclamations are issued.

4) Hypocrisy is a real word. Go ahead, open up Websters and look it up. Religion is a great thing but if you don't want the government interfering in your Sunday sermon, then your pastor doesn't get to use biblical quotes to set government policy. There are a few governments that use religion this way. I hear that Iran has some cheap real estate. And if you are a candidate and start quoting the Bible, you may want to read on a little bit further. Like the part where it says Love Your Neighbors, Feed the Hungry, etc.

But I have to think that the broadcast networks may want to consider hiding the debates on Saturday nights. This is prime entertainment value and I'd love to see it on demand with slow-mo replays. Hey it's got to produce better highlights then the Knicks Pacers game.

Gee, That’s a Large Picture of the President

Sometimes you notice the strangest things. That is to say, sometimes I notice the strangest things. I was walking into my office building today (Federal Gov’t) and noticed that the pictures of the President and Vice President (hung in all government offices) looked slightly larger then before.

I decided to ask the security officers. The way I see it, they are there all day so they might notice a thing like this. After telling them my suspicions, they confirmed, saying that the pictures were replaced just the other day.

How about that, I was actually right.

This led to more conversation about how the officer would like to know what happened to the smaller picture and how he might want that for his home. I told him that was a bad idea because then President Obama would be looking at him all the time. The guard, who is black, was puzzled and I explained.

You don’t want somebody’s picture on your home wall who is staring straight ahead (unless it’s the Mona Lisa but what you’re doing with a priceless piece of art in your home is another story!). The eyes just fix on yours all day long. Weather its first thing in the morning and you’re enjoying a cup of coffee before heading out the door or late at night when you’re trying to keep the noise down so you don’t wake up the kids...those eyes they are a starin’ right at ya.

Me personally, I like my art ink blot based. That way each time I look at it I can find something different. True that once in a while it will be eyes but the next time it can be a bird or a house or even Al Roker. Wouldn’t that be something.

Rain Rain Go Away...and PETA Gets a Nod for Marketing

What the frig is with the rain? Stop already! I’m trying to go to the ball game tonight and I can deal with out it

Secondly, a nod to PETA (who we all know I really don’t care for) gets my NobodyLikesAJerk Nod for public relations mastery for this week’s attack of President Obama and his fly swatting technique. Sure it was just a fly and the President did what any of us would do and just took a whack at it. In swoops (pun intended) PETA to tell Obama that there are nicer, more ethical, ways of doing that. As my eyes roll, I still think that it’s a good way to get some free “pub”. So good job PETA...just stay out of my ice cream!

Today’s Topic: Things That Are Lost

Yes we’re going to talk about LOST and the kick ass season finale but that will come in just a moment.

Topic One: Snub the President? Calling the IRS!
First I want to touch on our esteemed President, Mr. Obama. It seems that he had graciously accepted the invitation that Arizona State University extended to him. President Obama did not HAVE to go to ASU. He could have accepted any one of hundreds (if not thousands) of invitations to other universities and colleges around the country, including his alma maters (at this point I won’t yet get into the Notre Dame fiasco...although we do have to thank Alan Keys for making the GOP look even more backwards!) But POTUS did decide to go to Tempe, Arizona and give the commencement address to the thousands of students gathered at the football field. He opens with a great joke,

"I learned to never again pick another team over the Sun Devils in my NCAA bracket. And your university President and Board of Regents will soon learn all about being audited by the IRS."

And continued on to give the typical speech you’d expect...

Blah, blah, blah. The economy is tough, blah, blah, blah. Consider community service, blah, blah, blah, thank you and good luck.”

Ok the speech didn’t go quite like that (see the speech video here) but the bottom line was that all the students (should have been) were honored to have him there. That sentiment may not have been felt by the regents of the school however as they refused to confer an honorary degree upon the President saying in effect “he hasn’t accomplished enough yet.”. Um...he’s the freakin’ leader of the free world. So other then being the first black man elected president and other then bringing a sense of hope and change to most Americans and other then being an accomplished lawyer, community organizer, local, state, and federal politician yeah he really hasn’t accomplished that much.

Always the diplomat, Obama simply played it off and said (again to the effect of), Yeah I really haven’t done much yet. In effect he’s saying, just you wait. If they snub him again I wouldn’t be surprised to really see the IRS paying the school a visit.

Topic Two: Stop Flapping Your Arms.
Congratulations go to Jerry and Helen for winning their respective categories on the latest season of NBC’s The Biggest Loser. Helen kicked but and beat out Tara and Mike who were the two toughest people on the show. BTW: Tara, if you’re not doing anything next Saturday give me a call. (just kidding Mrs. Bloggerman!) But the real story was Jerry, who, as the oldest contestant ever (65) lost 170 pounds with most of them coming away from the “ranch”. He is a role model for all older people trying to loose weight but now that he has all that prize money I’m urging him to spend a few dollars and get those arms tightened up. They were flapping so much with extra skin that I was worried he was going to fly away and hit the lights in the tv studio they were filming in.



Topic 3: WTF!
What a great episode of Lost last night. I want to tell you all about it but I’m not sure of what I saw...plus there are those of you who read this who haven’t seen it yet (known as American Idol or Capitols Game 7 Suckas) so in deference to those two hate mongering groups I’ll simply point you to Jen and Liz’ Weekly Dueling Analysis in the Washington Post.

As a side note to that topic we went to the WaPo’s LOST Happy Hour at the Reef where we got to meet Jen and Liz and have a Jin and Tonic, Sex (with Sawyer) on the Beach, and Jughead Juice. No Dharma-tini’s though. Brendan is a light drinker.

Vote for Him! Now!

Are you tired of the Dems and the GOP blabbing about "change"? Are you tired of trying all those do-nothing, only in it for themselves candidates for office? Are you tried of diet plans that never work? Well do I have something and somebody for you! Get behind the Silver (-Haired) Eagle Express (and as Kinky says "ride it to the last town on the line"). He's my FinL and he's running for president!

Read all about it here!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Opening Day is here! Or to be more accurate was here, last night, at least in DC. And while the real opening day was a week ago in Japan, I don’t count that farce that Major League Baseball wants me to buy. Don’t ask me to believe you opened the season last week in Japan with the Red Sox and A’s only to have them come back to the US and play exhibition games. Again, Selig, you screwed up!

But back to the lecture at hand, Opening Day started with a boom last night as DC not only premiered a new stadium (gorgeous at that) but won the game on a bottom of the ninth, two-out, home run by Ryan Zimmerman. Talk about the way to celebrate your new home! Before the game started though, our esteemed and most maligned (much of it here) President, George Bush threw out the first pitch.

The President throwing out the first pitch is a tradition that dates back to the early 1900’s and Howard Taft, and usually POTUS is warmly received (even Nixon was cheered). Only once, before last night, was a President booed, Truman in 1951. It was one week after he fired McArthur (it was well deserved if you read David Halberstam’s The Coldest Winter). This year it was Bush’s turn. When W. came out to the mound the majority of the fans were booing.

How great of a country do we live in? Where else in the world can you boo and jeer the leader of your country without reservation about being put on a “list”, being dragged out of your house in the middle of the night and tossed into prison, or being beaten by a secret police force right on the spot. Does he deserve it? Absolutely. Should it have been done/said? No.

Folks, we are a civilized society. I think that’s something that we forget about in this battle for the White House between Dems and Repubs. This is only politics, not life or death. When you are in a situation where you meet the leader of this country, even if you don’t agree with his policies, you don’t boo him. Instead you shake his hand and say “Nice to meet you, Mr. President”. When he throws out the first pitch, you don’t have to cheer him, just stay quiet. Don’t teach your bad habits to your young child sitting in the seat next to you. We are becoming more divided as a society and need to “heal” when and where ever we can.

The more you know!

POTUS, Pets, and Passports

We should have seen this coming. Eight years ago when Bush and Gore were vying for the Presidency, we should have seen this coming. We should have known that every cravat of their lives and those of every other candidate in the future would be probe, prodded, licked, and sucked until a good story comes of it.

The latest comes as a report from the State Department yesterday that Barrak Obama’s passport file was “looked” at three different times by three different people over the last few months. The bulk of the story can be read in the Washington Post, and I really don’t want to delve into the facts too much, but rather I want to focus on what was gleaned from his records.

I don’t know what would be in my “passport file” other then the basics (name, address, dob, ssn, etc.) and the places I’ve traveled. I wonder if Senator Obama has been to the Bahamas or Fiji anytime recently, or if he took a quick jaunt up to Canada last summer to get some R&R?

Really I could care less! What I want to know is do Obama or McCain have pets? I exclude Hillary from this because we know about Socks the Cat (is he still alive?) and Bill’s dog, Buddy. But do Barak and John have pets? Are they pets that are representative of the leader of the free world? I wish somebody had asked this of Bush before the election in 2000.

Even though there are a good amount of Americans (a little over 50%) of them who think that Bush really didn’t win the election of 2000, I think that it wouldn’t have been as close as it was if voters knew and thought about Bush’s choice in pets. A small fu-fu dog (“dinner” as the Mooks likes to call them) is not a pet for a president who so closely resembles Yosemite Sam. Surely Karl Rove or another advisor would have seen this coming…Bush walking solemnly on the West Lawn of the White House with this small ball of hair in tow. I don’t want to go to the other end and say he should have a German Sheppard or a Pit Bull, but certainly a Retriever or Boxer or something would be better.

To close, if we are going to evaluate every word the candidates speak, analyze every person they’ve ever met at a cocktail party, and dig for every bit of dirt that might make a good headline and sell a few more papers, then we should also take the time to evaluate their pets and make sure they properly represent the good ole’ US of A.

Mooks is a Wonkette

I had two theories proven correct Monday night.

1) The President has zero charisma and even less intellect. Anybody with a lick of common sense and memory that spans longer then lunch might think, based on earlier phonic challenges, that the word “nuclear” might have been scratched out of the State of the Union. Perhaps we could have replaced it with something else. How about every time the word was in the speech, Bush would press a button and the proper pronunciation would come over the PA system. Maybe James Earl Jones could read it. Or what about having a flash card with “NUCLEAR” on it and every time he came to talk about the “evil doers” he would hold the card up.

2) My dog is clearly not interested in the state of our union. Eyewitness reports tell us that she was full of not only vim but also vigor when the broadcast began the other night. However, within ten minutes of the words “…my fellow Americans…” she was out cold (and snoring). Clearly she is more then content with the state of “her” union: A full bowl of food in every kitchen, a bumper crop of stuffed toys, and a warm bed for every American Dog!

STOP! STOP NOW! PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE STOP!

This is a note to all the presidential candidates out there, please stop trying to be:
1) My best friend
2) My neighbor
3) The everyday man/woman

Didn’t we learn something eight years ago when we elected the slightly retarded son of a former President for the role? He was the common man who was “in touch” with America. Well he proceeded to touch us alright. He touched our security into the toilet; the same goes for separation of church and state and the economy.

As the current group of candidates are ever more analyzed, probed, and prodded they yield their sense of right and wrong to the advice of pundits and advisers who tell them, for example, going on the David Letterman show is a good idea. Today’s example is Barak Obama.

Mr. Obama you are not a funny man. That’s not an insult, just the truth. Not everybody can be funny. I am but there are some people that would debate that as well. Your delivery is staunch and reserved, not outgoing, which is (again) not a bad thing. I would like a president who has an austere look and feel (better then the goober in the oval office now). You were reading the list provided to you by Letterman’s writers, who in their own right, aren’t funny. You are speaking to people who stay up to 1130pm or later at night. They tend to be college students and the chronically unemployable, both of which aren’t large, important voter blocks.

Your delivery of the #1 on the Top 10 List: Vice President Oprah is again not funny. Ignoring the obvious fact that it was a joke, but if you think the American public hates Hillary, just try putting Oprah on your ticket. Even Dr. Phil would vote for the Republican. Furthermore as we all know, the #1 is never as funny as the #2 yet the crowd still goes bananas...again the chronically unemployed!

Now if you can read this blog chances are that you have a job (and shame on you for reading this during working hours…and shame on me for writing this during working hours) and you were sleeping during Mr. Obama’s floundering on National TV. For you, here’s the video:

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

Two more quick things:
1) I’m now 10% of who I used to be (down 18 pounds since October)!
2) Today’s Fun Friday Fact: A jiffy is actually 1/100 of a second.

Things Not to Do When A Motorcade Passes By

Among those is don't give the Motorcade the finger. You know the one. Its between the ring and index fingers. Evidently, El Presidente has instructed his jack booted thugs (Secret Service) that nobody is to criticize him while standing in the rain on their way to work because his motorcade is going by.

Or...

Maybe it was the fact that on top of the aforementioned finger your hero was also giving the officer a hard time because he wouldn't let anybody cross the street (in the same direction as the 'cade).

Well whatever curled up his butt and died that morning he decided that yours truly was being a bit unruly and should be momentarily detained and questioned. After several requests for an id, I asked if I was under arrest but they said no. They simply wanted to know why I was giving them a hard time. I explained that it was raining and I wanted to get to my office. Crossing with the traffic blocked would not impede the motorcade. The officer said what happens if they wanted to turn of the main street they were on and I were in the way. I told him that by chance if the motorcade wanted to turn the WRONG way on a ONE way street which had all four lanes of traffic filled and was blocked by a squad car, then yes, I could see that as a problem. Then he told me that if he answered questions from everybody who asked them then they could potentially miss a terrorist dropping off a bag and then kablewie! It took every ounce of strength to refrain from saying, "well yes but what about now when 3 of your officers are standing around questioning me. What happens now when somebody drops of the bag. Clearly if you let me on my way and just ignored me you'd probably be more efficient in looking out for the 'evil-doers'."

It got me wondering if what would have happened had I thrown some eggs at the motorcade. I see it going like this. I get arrested for making an attempt on the President's life and go to trial (by way of Guantanamo Bay). I think that the trial would be really fun though. How does the government present the case (with a straight face) that the President's life was in danger because somebody threw eggs at his motorcade? In danger of being scrambled maybe but no real danger. Can I get some legal advise out there?

End result, no arrest, no ticket, just inconvenience for all involved. Oh yeah, and I spilled my coffee when I got to the office.