The Flavors That Nobody Asked For

Hey Boss...lets get creative this year and come up with flavors that nobody has ever thought to put into flavored seltzer water!

Didn't the folks at Jone's soda try that some years back to disastrous results?

They just didn't know how to do it right. When we're done with this stuff it'll be so good that people will be calling it the Christmas Story 2 of the beverage industry!

Are you sure?

Absolutely Boss!

The moral of the story is never listen to your employees because they will do two things. The first is to actually make those flavors that nobody asked for. I present for your drinking (dis)pleasure the newest flavor additions to the Polar Seltzer family of seasonal beverages: Eggnog, Buttered Rum, and Candy Cane. Yes you read that correctly. Three of the most beloved seasonal flavors have been chemically engineered and added into carbonated water. The result?  Ehh...well I wouldn't kick it out of bed but I probably wouldn't have slept with a bottle of flavored seltzer in the first place. Actually they don't taste awful but they aren't to die for either. It's clearly a mistake by a company desperate to increase market share but it raises an important question. If there are scientists who can create a chemical to mimic eggnog, how come we can't cure cancer? The later seems a little easier to imagine. While I don't think the boardroom conversation at Polar's New England headquarters went quite like that stated above, there was still a conversation to be had and somebody in authority had to ok this devilish combination of flavors. Who was it and do they still have a job? The only redeeming thing that I can figure is that on their Facebook page Polar does post this recipe for a lighter version of eggnog:

Looking for a skinny 'Nog that isn't loaded with artificial ingredients? Make your own and make the holiday season sparkle: 1 part whole milk + 1 part rum + 2 parts Polar Seltzer Eggnog or Butter Rum Seltzer (+ optional garnish of raw sugar) = YUM!

Hold your vomit in folks, remember I said there was a second thing that rogue employee might also approve for manufacture. Think of all the movies ever made that focus on the Christmas season. Which is the only one you all love but would never want to see a remake or g-d forbid a sequel?

EXACTLY! A Christmas Story

Let that vomit flow because there is now an actual "official sequel" to Christmas Story. Yes Ralphie and his pals are now 8 years older and moving up in the world of toys. This year he's hoping for keys to a new car to be left under the tree. Follow the link and watch the trailer because it's perhaps the only way you'll understand why movie critics are saying "This is the remake that nobody asked for" and "This is a great gift for everybody you want out of your life.".

Yeah I know....now time to rip into my bottle of Mint Chocolate seltzer and watch Home Alone 22 (Macaulay Culkin is launched into space....hilarities ensue).

What is it about Republicans and Christianity?

Why does it always seem that members of the GOP feel the need to remind their constituents that Christianity is a major religion and many times impose the weight of the US Government in "endorsing" it? America is still without an "official religion" right? Just checking. I mean after reading this tidbit in today's Des Moins Register:

Rep. Steve King’s, R-Iowa, Christmas resolution — “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith” — boasted 58 co-sponsors, and was set for a voice vote shortly afterward. But a roll call vote was demanded, which postponed the vote until the evening.

Why does Representative King feel the need to waist the people's time and money (he is one of those previously mentioned tax-payer financed salary drawers) with this dribble? Was he not sure that the entire free world is Christian (except for 1/2 who are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Pastafarian, and others)? Was he confused because his local Walmart had up Christmas decorations a few days before LABOR DAY? Or is it just that he's a giant sack of dog vomit? My money is on the later.

There were 9 "no" votes on the floor of the House last night (Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY), Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY), Rep. Diana DeGette (D-CO), Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-FL) (FL), Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA), Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA), Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA), and Rep. Lynn Woolsey (D-CA).). My hats off to these Congressmen/Women (some of whom are Jewish...imagine that...there are people who aren't Christian!!!). They stood up for the American value of Freedom of Religion and not "An attack on Christianity" as Rep Dog Vomit (I mean King) said in a release on his website this morning.

So once again I ask you my loyal readers to get off your ass and write the Congressman as well as your own and tell him exactly what you think of him and his "Christian American Values".

Now with that out of the way this might shock you. I am 100% in agreement with Ralph Reed. For those of you who don't remember, Mr. Reed was the head of the "Christian Coalition" and an ever present advocate of those same "Christian Values" in Washington, DC for many years. But now he is quoted as saying in today's DC Examiner:

Ralph Reed: Religion questions are getting invasive

December 12, 3:47 AM

Guess Ralph Reed isn’t a fan of all the attention being given to Mitt Romney’s religion lately. The former head of the Christian Coalition recently had this to say to Religious News Service: “We have been conducting doctrinal frisks and theological GI-tract exams of our candidates and we have to remember that these candidates are not running for president of the seminary and they’re not running for pastor in chief. They’re running to be commander in chief at a time of global war on terrorism.”

Kudos to Mr. Reed for (unintentionally ??) pointing out that all this crap about the candidates' faith needs to stop. I don't care if Romney is Mormon. If he's the best candidate, then I'll vote for him (not going to happen). Or if Obama was Muslim and was the best candidate I'd vote for him. Hell I'd even vote for Clinton if I thought she was the best (and she's friggin Satan) but I just don't care about the candidate's religion and if you do and it affects your decision making process then you don't deserve to vote. If Congress had any guts they would ban any political campaigning in places of worship or any (even implied) influence of religious figures in their constituency's voting. The punishment for conviction would be loss of their tax exempt status or just death.

As somebody once said to a Christian protester outside of a movie, "If this geek is getting into Heaven, then I'll hang out in hell!"

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 3: "JEWMONGOUS"

Sitting at my desk listening to traditional music of the Hanukkah season when all of the sudden a guy named Sean Altman comes on my radio. He is singing of being a Jew in a Nudie Bar on Shabbat and not being able to tip the dancers. (A good point...and can I tip less then a dollar?) He also sings of "Ruben, The Hook Nosed Reindeer*" and other holiday classics.

This lead me to do a bit of research on Mr. Altman and his band: JEWMONGOUS. Well they are a newer group and have just released their debut CD "Taller than Jesus" and I have to tell you after listening to a few of their tracks they are really good. They are up in the satirical class of one Mr. Kinky Friedman.

Here is the website. I highly suggest heading over there and checking out their music. For even more fun they are playing some local DC area spots on Xmas Eve and Xmas Night. I'm going to look into some tickets. Sounds like Fun!

*Ruben the Hook-Nosed Reindeer is actually performed by Mr. Altman's previous (now defunct) band, What I Like About Jew.

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 2: "New Holiday Slogan"

So every year at about this time, those of us who are G-d's chosen people are forced to look at nothing but X-mass decorations, Santa and his gassy reindeer, and hear people ringing bells and yelling "Merry X-mass" at us in front of grocery stores and while trying to "Us" them down over at our neighborhood Walmart.

But the one thing we don't have is our own slogan to yell at people (the ringing of bells is optional...but I prefer an airhorn). That is until now. Yours truly has developed what I think is not only a very seasonable greeting but a damn funny one if I do say so myself (and I do say so!):

Hag Samach!
Now Go Away!

Roughly translated "Hag Samach" is "Happy Holiday". I think this could be THE catch phrase of the next generation and we can all wish our "Non-Chosen" brethren with this simple word play. In fact I believe in it so much, I'm getting a T-shirt printed with the slogan.


Do you like? E-mail me and I'll add you to the order. We can get a discount if we order in bulk....way to "Us" them down!

Holiday Themes Continue: Part 1: "Bad Santa"

You all have seen (or should immediately add it to your Netflix cue) the movie "Bad Santa" featuring Billy Bob Thronton and Bernie Mac (as well as John Ritter in one of his last movie rolls) but today Microsoft revealed that it had pulled the "plug" on it's own Jolly Fat Man.

According to an Associated Press article. The computing giant had created an automated bot messenger address where kids could go and IM with Santa. Well two little girls got on there and kept asking the Fat Man of the North if he "wanted to eat some pizza?" After a few replies back along the lines of "I'm not sure what you're asking", the girls kept at it and finally got an automated reply back of "You want me to eat what?!? It's fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else."

Gasp.... "BAD SANTA"
or
Sly Grin... "Bad Santa baby!"

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is but it's interesting none the less and I have the moral obligation to point out that if Apple had posted a messenger bot "none of this would ever have happened."

To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk