Dear Lady, Soda Machine, and Job Market

Dear Lady Who Sat Down Next to me on the Metro This Morning,

I’m sorry to hear that your motor skills are going. And you are so young. What are you, 40, 45, maybe 50? It’s a real shame that you can no longer manage to grasp and manipulate objects the way you could when you were younger.

At least I think that’s the problem. I mean that’s the only logical conclusion I could come up with, unless…no…it couldn’t be….could it? Is it possible that you have no sense of smell?

See I don’t have a problem with either of those maladies and because of it I had to smell your perfume this morning. Actually “smell” is too kind a word; I should really go with “be overpowered by.” As in you doused yourself with so much Channel, White Diamonds, or Old Spice-Female, that I almost choked when you first sat down. As the ride into the city progressed I moved on to a state of nausea.

And when I finally got the chance to get out of that seat and the train car, you also exited. Is this a sick joke? Get the hell out of my way and let me get to some fresh air now!

Sincerely,

Bloggerman

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Dear Soda Vending Machine,

This afternoon when I deposited my loose change into your slot my mouth was watering for a diet cola that rhymes with “poke-a-pola”. But you surprised me. What came out of your refrigerated box but a can of diet soda that rhymes with “Doctor Pepper” (actually it was a can of Dr. Pepper) But wait, I know I hit the Diet Coke button…I had to…You lied to me! How many 10’s of others have you popped the same line to? You promise them a silver can and instead steal their money and give them a white can. What kind of scam is this?

Wait a minute! This stuff is really good. It tastes like 23 different flavors are exploding in my mouth. Yeah there’s no caffeine but this stuff is still really good. It hits the spot.

Ok I’m happy for now but next time you don’t give me what I want I’m going to commit the ultimate crime against machinery….I’m pulling the plug!

Sincerely,

Bloggerman

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Dear Job Market,

Thank you for hiring my friend, and frequent contributor to this blog, SG. She’s very happy about her new position and we in return are happy to see her happy. All this with out a Dr. Pepper? Who would have thought it?

Sincerely,

Bloggerman

Another Employer That Just Doesn't Get It

Yet another idiot has invited me to the party and I wanted to share. Below is an e-mail from a recruiter from The Harris Corporation, "inviting" me to apply for a position that they feel I'm a very good fit for. It's for a Software Engineer. As you all know, not only am I an amazing Software Engineer but I also wrote the code for Google, Windows, and Xbox Live. For those of you who know me, you are aware that I know nothing about software engineering, nor am I qualified/interested in such a position.

Here is the initial e-mail:

From: careers@usa-jobsite.net
Subject: Darryl, Technology/Science employment opportunity
Date: Mon, 7 Jan 2008 14:02:05 -0500

Dear Darryl,

In a recent review of online resumes, I was impressed by your qualifications and background. One of our clients, the Harris Corporation, needs to hire a Software Engineer. I think you may be a solid candidate and would like to invite you to apply.

The Harris Corporation is an international communications and information technology company serving government and commercial markets in more than 150 countries. Harris is dedicated to developing best-in-class assured communications products, systems, and services for global markets, including government, RF, and broadcast communications, and wireless transmission network solutions.

Employees of the Harris Corporation have the freedom to explore new ideas and work with cutting-edge technology. Harris offers very competitive wages and a comprehensive benefits package to all of their employees.

To access an online application for the Harris Corporation Software Engineer position, please click on the link below or copy and paste the link into your browser.

[LINK REMOVED...I don't trust you people!]

After you submit your application, you can expect to be contacted within one to two business days. We're looking forward to speaking with you soon!

Regards,
David Chapman
Sr. Recruiter, HR Division

And here is my response:

Mr. Chapman,

Thank you for your consideration but you are so far off the radar that this is obviously a form letter sent to thousands of e-mail address that you or somebody in your organization "mined" off a job-based website. If you REALLY reviewed my resume you would know that not only am I not interested in a job as a software engineer, but I am not even qualified to hold such a position.

Is it the Harris Corporation's policy to blindly solicit applicants for their open positions regardless of qualifications or even interest? If that's the case then I am clearly concerned about the quality and ability of those who are applying for your jobs and subsequently those that you fill the open positions with.

Harris has long been a large company with many sectors, including those with Federal Government contracts. Do you solicit this way for those positions too? Do your government COTRs know that? Similarly, do the job sites where you seem to gather these resumes from know that you are "mining" their sites for information? My thought is that they do not and that you don't share this information with them.

In closing, I am no interested in your Software Engineer applications and I will strongly encourage anybody I know to similarly turn down a similar offering with Harris, even if they are qualified and potentially interested. I strongly encourage you to reassess your email recruitment policies to avoid this kind of communication in the future.

Sincerely,
Darryl

Do you think I was too harsh? Me neither. If this e-mail address works for him I will let you know and ask you to also send him a nice note.