An Obituary For A Dear Friend

You were good companion. You were on my mind every morning and sometimes at night. No matter where I went you were right before my eyes. Your curves made every day a little more palatable.

You were a friend, a coworker, and a confident. But most of all you were my copilot.

Even when your twin met an untimely demise in that tragic accident in front of the World Bank, you didn't falter. In fact you became stronger; taking on an almost dark, ceramic edge.

As it is said, "all good things must come to an end." Yet somehow I feel like you're passing was premature. Sure you were bigger than the others and it took longer than I thought to get you filled, but your differences were what forged our special bond.

It's a touch ironic then that in your time of need that bond was not strong enough to help you avoid your own tragedy.

Your life was full of pep and service to others  but your legacy will always be hot and black!

Farewell my friend. As you pass from this world to the next, may you stay clean and true. My desk and my coffee will never be the same.

Take Me To the Cleaners To Get Some Coffee

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Starbucks (if that is your real name!) for taking me to the cleaners this holiday season. I thought the point here was “good will toward man”? Evidently, I don’t fall into that category because you keep charging me more for my coffee. I’m not trying to be difficult here either. I don’t order a triple-soy-no foam-four Splenda-double cup-half decaf-could you put a birthday candle in it for me – moca-chi-ino. If you wanted a few extra cents for doing all that work, sure no problem. But what I’m talking about here is nothing more than a few shots of flavor.

Specifically I’m expressing my outrage over your holiday seasonal lattes. On a recent trip to one of your establishments I saw a sign promoting your limited time flavors of the season, Peppermint Mocha, Gingerbread, and Eggnog. Oh boy am I excited! I love this time of year...my favorite flavors come out everywhere; from pies to coffee. Put me down for one of those Gingerbread Lattes, but only a tall since I don’t want to have to run and find a Men’s room four times in the next five minutes.

“That’ll be $3.75 cents sir.”

Wha...wha...what? Are you serious?

How can a tall, seasonal-flavored latte cost more than one in the middle of the summer? According to your menu, a regular tall latte will run me $2.75. Add to that another $0.40 for a flavor shot and you end up with a $3.15 drink, composed of espresso, steamed milk, and a pump or two of flavored syrup. That’s still way too expensive but I won’t get into the world of overpriced gourmet coffee (although I could get roughly the same thing at 7-11 for $2 less!).

Yet, you are charging me an extra $0.60 for the honor of having a bit of holiday fun. I don’t get it? Does Dunkin Donuts charge me $0.20 more to have a Pumpkin Donut? Does the guy at the farmers market charge me more for a peach in the middle of the summer? No...no they don’t, because it’s the season for such things. In fact, I’d probably be OK paying a few cents more to have a peppermint latte in the middle of July. That just makes sense.

So keep your grubby hands out of my wallet. If I have to go to Starbucks then I’m going to keep to the “regular” flavors and save my holiday merry making for places that don’t charge extra for a little cheer.

Peace out!

To The Lady Sitting Next To Me On The Train...

Did I ruin your day? Oh what a shame! The horror and travesty of it all. Won't somebody please think of the children???

And to think, all of this had to happen because you couldn't bear to be on the train this morning sans your morning cup of joe. Is it hot and tasty? I sure hope you got to enjoy it.

Well at least I still hope its hot when you get off the train.

Why are you shocked? If this isn't your first time riding Metro then why was it such a surprise when I asked you to stop drinking your coffee this morning on the train? You were amazed by my audacity. Sorry about that sister but there's plenty more where that came from!

Maybe your eyesight/hearing/common sense is going bad. I mean with all the blond dye in your hair and your very stylish pant suit (complimented with the hiking boots and save-the-earth green grocery bag) you must be a very important person around the office, where clearly the rules don't apply to you.

Did you stop and think that perhaps we might want a sip of coffee this morning? Hell, after last nights midnight-dish-washing-marathon I could really use some. But I, like everybody else on the train, am waiting until we get off and are able to follow the few simple rules. BTW for those of you who are out of the DC area, “no eating/drinking on the trains” is Rule #2, right after “pay your fare.” It’s a hard one to miss.

You just got off in Bethesda, I hope your cup has gone cold.

Thank you, and HAVE a nice day!

Why is the Room Spinning?

So I thought it would be a good idea to go and get a cup of coffee part way through my morning routine. Not a bad idea, after all a little caffeine can be good for you and help get you though your morning. Instead of making it in house, or even going to the cafeteria for some Dunkin Donuts-brand coffee (the official coffee of NBLAJ), I ventured out to the corner 7-11.

If you have one near you and haven’t been yet, go. I know it’s not the best stuff but it ain’t bad either and frankly there are so many choices as to flavors and “drinks” (cappuccino, late, espresso, regular coffee) it’s actually better then Starbucks and to top it off they have more food to select.

I settled on a medium, toffee-nut cappuccino, but I wasn’t done there. On my way to the register the donuts were calling my name (which is funny because at last check donuts don’t talk...but that’s a topic for another day). Even though I already had oatmeal and an orange this morning I felt the need for flour, water, chocolate and sugar, all lightly-fried into a round shape.

Not to worry, I finished it all, but now the problems start setting in. My heart is going just a notch above “hummingbird” and I’m too-wired and can’t even sit still. How much sugar did I just ingest?

16oz Cappuccino
Nutrition Facts
Calories 200 Calories from Fat 108
Total Fat 12g 18%
Saturated Fat 8g 40%
Cholesterol 0mg 0%
Sodium 200mg 8%
Total Carbohydrate 50g 17%
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
Sugars 46g
Protein 6g 12%
Est. Percent of Calories from:
Fat 54.0% Carbs 100.0% Protein 12.0%
Chocolate Covered Donut
Nutrition Facts
Calories 250
% DV 1
Total Fat 11g 17%
Sat. Fat 3g 15%
Cholesterol 0mg 0%
Sodium 190mg 8%
Total Carbs. 35g 12%
Dietary Fiber 1g 4%
Sugars 20g
Protein 3g

So to recap that's 66g of sugar (roughly the same as in a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough! Yeah, I think I'm good to go for a while. The word for lunch is "Salad".

Damn...That's Good Coffee

While I'm not generally one for crass commercialism I do love me a cup of that Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I love it so much (and since they are giving it away for free) I hereby name it...

"The Official Coffee of NobodyLikesaJerk"

Now go out, click on the image, and get your free sample!

That's an order!

You Want Ice? No Espresso For You!

Now imagine back to when you first saw the Seinfeld episode featuring "The Soup Nazi" and you were probably thinking a) this is really (naughty word deleted) funny and b) there is no way that this could ever happen in real life.

Ah...but that's where you're wrong. As Kramer would say, "It can. It has. And I'm loving every minute of it!"

I direct your attention to the paper of record here in Washington, DC: The Washington Post, and their fine bit of Metro Section reporting on a guy who couldn't get ice with his espresso. It seems that the "barista" (a term I still shutter when saying because it's such a pretentious way to say "coffee drink pourer") would not give this gentleman his triple espresso over ice and only begrudgingly gave him a triple espresso and a separate cup of ice.

A few things to point out here:
1) If you're ordering a triple espresso you are a bit off balance to begin with and should not be told "no" to anything for fear of you shooting up a place
2) If you want the caffeine boost you probably shouldn't cut it with ice/water
3) In a piss-poor economy...you never tell a customer "no"....if he wants his coffee over ice over a pile of leftover coffee grounds, you can advise him not to, but if he insists then you do it!

Fast forward to later that day. If you were a sane and rational person (you wouldn't be drinking a triple espresso!) you might retell this story to a friend and laugh it off as really bad service. But the customer (much like yours truly) decided to go home and blog about the incident. I'm not sure of his previous traffic but something caught the eye of the blogisphere and his site was bombarded with visits and comments. This in turn lead to the owner of the coffee shop (who by the way had to close a previous incarnation in DC because he owed the city $400k in collected sales tax revenue) to blog back saying that the shop had "rules" that could not be broken or questioned.

What a freakin idiot!

Note to owner of Murky Coffee, Nicholas Cho: Hey dumbass!!!! The customer is always right. Even when he's a jerk (nobody likes a jerk) and orders a triple shot...he's still right. I didn't realize that you were loosing so much money on the ice or that your espresso is so good that it can't be enjoyed any other way that you don't deem permissible. If you had just let this guy blog and not said anything there would be no story and no bad press for your store. But since you couldn't handle that...No Soup For You!

Meetings? We Don't need No Stinkin' Meetings!

A colleague of mine forwarded this to me this morning and I wanted to share with you.

Meeting Madness
By Steve Robbins

Stever Robbins here. Welcome to the Get-It-Done Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips to Work Less and Do More.

I just love meetings. … No, I don’t. I’m lying; I hate meetings. So many meetings seem like a waste of time. There are lots of reasons, and today we’ll address one of the biggies: why would you call a meeting in the first place (other than being a masochist)? Meetings are the Swiss army knife of business. Have a problem? Call a meeting! Surely that will fix things.

Dream on. There are only four reasons to call a meeting. Click here for the whole story.

It is so square on that I almost spit out my coffee out! Please print this out and post it on the door to every conference room in your offices.

I have spoken and saw it was good.

Costco Restors my Faith in Humanity

It wasn't that long ago when everything was bleak and dreary for humanity as seen through my eyes. The whole lot of you were dregs and psychopaths only out for you with no concern for anybody else around you.

The Good News is that I still believe that to be mostly true. The bad news is that I'm no longer 100% sure of such things and here's why.

Yesterday after work, I swung over to Costco to look for a gift for my folks. I had something very specific in mind but when I got there they didn't have what I was looking for. Since I schlepped all the way out there already, I thought it was best to look around or at least get some free tastes.

I ended up in line with a new jacket (I look like a classy valet) and a bag of coffee for the office. If this were a traditional supermarket, I wouldn't have to worry because there would be an express lane. Well for any of you who go to the large warehouse stores you know there is no such thing and even if you have 1 lowly item, you must wait behind 10 people each with a cart piled so high that it could block out the sun.

Yesterday was no exception. The "shortest" line there had a women with all her items on the register belt, a full card (unattended) behind that, a guy with a 1/2 full cart after that and then me. Just as the women at the register (3 in front of me) was about to start getting rung up, the owner of the full cart (2 in front of me) came back with a 2nd full to the brim cart. She let me and the guy in front of me to cut her (1 person) and then the guy let me cut him (2 people) and then the women at the register let me cut her too (3 people). I couldn't believe that!! They were all nice and kind and said you only have 2 items...go ahead.

If this were only the case everywhere we went. Can you imagine getting to the front of the line at the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving when all you have is a small bottle of cinnamon? Or going to the front of the line at the DMV when you only need to get a copy of a your driving record? Or going to the emergency room bleeding from a gun shot you can get attended to before the illegal immigrant who doesn't have insurance and needs a splinter removed. Ok let's not get that excited!

Either way I'm back and I'm not bleeding so it's a start. Do you need your car parked?