He’s Back and There’s Food Involved

I just looked and can’t believe it’s been more then two weeks since my last post. I know many of you (read: three people) are wondering where the hell I’ve been or what’s happened to me but I’m just fine.

Actually I’ve been traveling (at least this past weekend) in the quest for the biggest thing I’ve ever shoved in my mouth. The best news is I have now found success in the form of the whopping 6 pound “Ye Ole 96’er” courtesy of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in not so scenic Clearfield, PA.

For those of you who have been following, I’ve taken very large 1 pound challenge over at Cheeburger, Cheeburger a few times and have had no problems downing the burger, some fries and at least half of a shake. But this challenge was different right from the start.

Because we were out celebrating an opening round of beers was in order, and because we were in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania the beer was really cheap ($3.50 for a Leinekugel Sunset Wheat- 24oz!). After we sat down we thought, “Hey there are four of us, surely we can take down the 6-pound burger and have room for fries, onion rings (which were really good!!) and some wings.”

Yeah not so much. They all tasted good but once the burger arrived at the table we realized that we were in WAY over our heads. For reference on how big it is, those are full-sized pickle spears on top. Yeah...that big! I think our other challenge was that we didn’t really have a plan of attack before we sat down. Without that, we didn’t have the confidence needed to conquer this behemoth once it was place in front of us. All we were left with was a sense of awe and a small bit of trembling in our stomachs as we surveyed our meal.

We began by cutting the burger into quarters and Joe and I each took one for ourselves. Santiago and Jason were a little smarter and only split a quarter to start. I think the later was the smarter move as neither Joe or I managed to get through more then ¾ of our serving and that doesn’t even factor the bun which was never touched for fear that it might actually cause our stomachs to explode upon contact!

We didn’t have a scale but if the burger came out at 6-pounds, it left our table at about 3 pounds, 2 ounces (unofficially). I have a new found respect for Elizabeth “Rubber Gut” Canady who finished the 3-pounder, by herself, in 20 minutes. (actually I don’t know Canady or doubt I’ll ever meet her, but still that’s scary on a number of levels!)

Dogs and Free Food

A mea culpa to start things off. It has been almost a week since my last confession... err posting. In that time I have committed no words to paper but have had many thoughts of sins (of the flesh, tongue, pallet, etc). No matter how many hail marys I throw downfield or how much holly water I ingest at the community pool I will most likely fail to post daily again. In the words of the good book, "Get over it! And now the rest of the story.

Last Wednesday I tried to do the right thing. You know something to balance out all the negative karma I've been amassing lately. On the way into the park with the Mooks, I decided to pick up a bunch of cans, bottles, and other refuge that had found its way out of peoples' cars but not into the proper receptacle. As we approached the park entrance an older man was struggling to maintain control of his two large dogs. Their size was no my concern. What caught my attention was that this guy was using a long thin stick to reinforce his "no's". Well one thing leads to another and he let's go. I let tried to jog Mooks away but tripped and let go of her. He was laying in the road complaining about his shoulder and I got one of the two dogs and tied him to a sign. Then Mooks came over and I got her leashed to the tree. The guy's second dog took off into the neighborhood. I went over to check on this guy and decided to call 911.Well 3 min later the cavalry arrives in the form of 4 squad cars and minutes later a fire engine. TJ Hooker, Jr. steps out of the first car and asks "Who got bit?". I told him it wasn't a bite and he tries to cancel the medical team. He also gets pissy with me when I tell him that in fact we want the medical unit there to check out this guys shoulder. He says, "well if he fell why did you call it in as a bite?". He wasn't even trying to listen when I told him that somebody else must have called in the bite, this guy only fell. The long and foster of the story is that the guy refused medical attention and my attempt to be a good samaritan backfired. The only silver lining to come out of this is that his neighbor came out and was pissed at this guys dogs for running loose again. I gave him the number of animal services. We'll see what happens.

On to the free food. I want to thank the following establishments for providing me sustenance, on the house, these past few days:

Chik-fil-A: dressed like a cow on Friday (national cow appreciation day) and got a free chicken sandwich.

Seven-Eleven: received a free 8oz slurpie just because it was July 11th (7/11).

Lido Pizza by way of the Damascus Volunteer Fire Department: supplied plenty of slices for those of us who were volunteering at their open house.

Cheeburger, Cheeburger by way of the Reiches and the Boigs: As part of the great burger challenge, I successfully polished off a burger of their creation (1lb of meat, bun, portabella mushrooms, relish, onion, jalapeño peppers, tobacco sauce, peanut butter, blue cheese, guacamole, whipped cream, and grenadine). Kicker here: I finished it before Santiago or Jason got through their untopped 1/3 pounders! Take that GI track!

McDonalds: for their delicious McCafe caramel mocha this morning as part of their "Free Mocha Mondays" promotion.

Oh Doughnuts

I have to share these creations that were posted by our friends at Cake Wrecks today.

The order goes something like this:

Man in diner booth: Yeah honey, give me a cheeseburger but I don’t want no bun

Waitress: You on that Adkins thing?

Man: Nah I just don’t like the bun.

Waitress: You want something else instead?

Man: Yeah...give me one of those donuts over there in the display case.

Waitress: You want a cheeseburger with a side of donut?

Man: No...cut the donut in half and use it as a bun

Waitress: Um......ok

Ambulance Driver: Sugar, what the hell did this guy eat

Waitress: Cheeseburger with a donut chaser!

Final nutrition count (not including the fries): 1000 calories and 45 grams of fat.

I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing!

So I did it. I can't believe I did it, but I did do it. And I have photographic evidence. NO I'm not trying to claim fame by wearing this funky hamburger hat, but rather by downing the Cheeburger, Cheeburger Famous One Pounder That's right sports fans, to mark the occasion of my 31st year on this earth my loving wife took me for hamburgers and shakes (my suggestion).

To prove to myself that I'm not getting that old (despite the appearance of a few grey hairs last month and an ever widening hole in the ozone layer that his my hair) I decided to take on this challenge against the better advise of doctors everywhere, especially C. Everet Koop.

Even though I thought I was full after the first 1/4 lb, my fortitude and a few burps told me to push on and finish. After sucking down the last bite and putting to shame the appetites of a few high school kids at the next table over, I even found the room to finish my whole Kit-Kat shake.
My wife was appalled, my stomach was digesting, and I was the proud man who made the Wall of Fame.

Happy Birthday to Me.