My Daddy Is A Rockstar

Well not my Dad but my son's dad sure is. I know for sure because his t-shirt says so. According to his pajamas he is also "My Rookie of the Year" and his other pair say he's cuteness came from his Mommy.

I have to say that besides being absolutely true (yes, he is cute and may be a rookie of the year in his chosen profession one day), it sure does make his parents feel good about themselves. And that right there is the hook.

It seems that designers of infant and toddler clothes have figured out how to tap into our subconciousness to get us to spend even more then we already do to not only make sure our kids are in style but also so that the world knows how good looking we are or that my music prowess is second to none.

If you don't believe me just go to a store like Gymboree. They have shirts that I can purchase for my kid that says that "My Daddy is the Coolest". It says nothing about my offspring but it does make me feel better about myself and anybody that sees us together will know that Fonzy has nothing on me.

But think about it another way, would you ever go into the Gap or Old Navy and buy a shirt for yourself that says, "I'm the Coolest" or "I'm a Rockstar"?  Excluding the douche-waffles who spend their days trying to figure out the perfect angle to tilt their hat that just answered "yes", most of you who self-identify as SANE would never even think of purchasing an item like that unless it was part of a Halloween costume.

So because we have to appear to society as normal, we impart our desire for complements onto our children's garments. Ok fine, I can live with that...even if it flies in the face of my previous criticism of athletes not wearing our face on their t-shirts. Lets take it a step farther. How about if in the next Presidential election the candidates have to wear ties that have their slogans printed across them?  Romney would have worn one that said, "White and Proud"...I mean "White and The Other Guy Isn't".  Did I just say that....oh well.

Getting back to the topic, how long can we keep exploiting our children to stoke our own egos? At what age do either they start reading and understand they are nothing more then a walking billboard for their parent's looks/sports ability/coolness factor or do clothing manufacturers have market research showing that kids just rebel from wearing anything emblazoned with "Dad Must Work for UPS because he has a Huge Package"? (BTW: the UPS truck just pulled up to my house!!)

Unfortunately I don't have an answer to that question but what I do have is an excellent test subject whom my wife and I may good money to feed, put a roof over his head, and of course clothe. To that end I am currently accepting proposals from clothing companies to test these theories. Please submit your proposal to provide shirts/pants/hats/etc for my child complete with slogans telling the world how cool/awesome/good looking we are for the next ten years by the end of this year. Starting January 1st, they will be evaluated by a panel of experts (Mrs. Bloggerman and Myself) and the winning company will be contacted regarding the awarded contract.

Kid, Go the #@$#@$ to Sleep

Unless you are the most unplugged in person in the world (or my parents) you have heard of Adam Mansbach instant classic “Go the @#$@#$ to Sleep” . I figure that by the time it gets to Samuel L Jackson’s lips that everybody in the free world has read it. Surely they’ve read it to the kids in Day Care.

This is why I’m mystified at my son’s instance on waking up for the last two mornings at 430am. There have been pleanty of times in the 6 or 7 months that he’s woken up in the middle of the night, let out a whimper and then fallen right back to sleep. Not these last two. Nope. 4:30, comes around and there’s the video monitor flickering on and the audio meter topping off in the “red” zone with piercing screams of “I’m awake mother$%$%, now deal with me!”

Here’s the other catch. Normally my alarm goes off at 430am so I can drag my fat ass out of bed and hit the gym or go for a run. But this was a long weekend that culminated with my toes getting some serious blisters after running a half marathon in my Vibrims, so I’m on a break until tomorrow.

Now I have to get out of bed, go across the hall, get the kid, bring him back to our room, hand him off to the wife, and then run down and get a bottle. Nothing like mixing formula in the dark.

Since I’m not working out I want to go to sleep for another hour or so until I have to go get ready for work. Well the kid again is not getting this concept and proceeds to kick me in the hand or chest as he’s gulping down his bottle. I secretly think it’s payback for all the “nice” things I’ve said about him both before and after birth.

Tonight kid, go (and stay) the @#@#$ to sleep!

Baby Shopping and Sponsored Running

Having a kid to share my life experiences, laugh at my stupid jokes, and to raise in my (and Mrs. Bloggerman’s) image is going to be a blessing and I’m so excited. But first we have to go shopping.

To be more accurate we need to register for other people to shop for us. When we did this for our wedding this was a great experience, especially registering for the 40 boxes of mini-Charleston Chews. Thanks Stef (btw...plugging her blog: Not Your Typical Girl’s Blog) for actually buying those. But this time I was disappointed to not find any candy in the store and the most edible product was packages of strained peas. Definitely not as much fun!

We headed over to Buy Buy Baby to get the job done. First....the store name. It’s basically telling us that if we love our kid we will “buy, buy, and then some”. If we don’t spend enough money we just don’t care about our kids and they will call DeFaS (Dept. of Family Services) on us. Deep breath and we walked inside. Actually the wife went inside and I walked down the other end of the strip to grab some coffee. When I got there I was again disappointed to find there was no “used baby” section or books on how to properly “beat your kid” but then again that could be why DFS already has my name on file!

The process as we weaved through the store was a lot easier then I had thought. 95 percent of the credit goes to Mrs. Bloggerman for having a clear list, complete with brand names and models. When we couldn’t find what we were looking for she brought the Baby Bargains Book along with us for quick reference on the next best choices. When all was said and done , I’m not sure that we have everything we need but I’m assured that we’re good to go. We’ll see.

The reason for the coffee was the early call time that morning to run the Inaugural Hershey Half-Marathon. We had a great time up in the “sweetest place on earth” and I got my first ever chance at exploiting the blank billboard I call my chest. In the past I’ve plugged Waffle House and Geico by sporting their give-aways but never have I purposely worn an item with a logo/tagline because they sponsored me. That was until this race. I want to thank Phil over at Fenicci’s restaurant for the T-shirt. I even managed to talk up the restaurant during the run with other runners and spectators. Yeah I know talking while I run....but it’s what I do. Oh and the race wasn’t bad either. 1:42:26 puts me at a PR by more than 6 min. Sweet indeed.

So We’ve Been Calling Him By the Wrong Name?

Yikes. It looks like we’ve been calling the kid by the wrong name for the last 4 months? Really? What the hell can be the difference between “Karat” (like we’ve been calling him) and “Carat” (evidently what we should be calling him)? Well jewelry designer, Holly Kincad shares this:

Carats Vs Karats: What is the difference?

If you are in the business of using, buying or even wearing gemstones and precious metals, you should be aware that these two words mean very different things. Shopping for jewelry, findings and materials should make much more sense after you read this article about Carats vs Karats.

Carat
A Carat is a weight measurement in reference to precious gemstones such as Diamonds, Sapphires, Rubies, etc. Many people think a carat is referring to the size of the gemstones, however, it is a measurement of weight. While the weight does effect the size of the gemstones, a carat is not a measurement of length, mass or volume. The Carat, along with the purity of the gemstone is what determines the price of the precious stones.

Karat
A Karat is the measurement of the purity of gold. Gold itself is very soft, and like silver, it needs to be alloyed with other metals to make it stronger and less expensive. 24 karat gold is considered pure gold, or 100% gold. While many people think 24 karat gold is the best quality you can buy, the soft metal is less durable and it can scratch or damage easily. To prevent this, gold is alloyed with metals such as silver, copper and zinc. When producing white gold alloys, nickel, copper and zinc are used. So, the karat is measured by the ratio of gold to the alloyed metal. 18 karat gold is 3/4 gold or 0.750 gold, 14 karat gold is 14/24 gold or 0.583 gold, etc.

Although the karat does determine the value of the gold, it does not tell us the price we are paying for gold. After you have determined the karat of gold you would like, the final step in determining the price of your gold is it's weight, how much gold are you purchasing? Precious metals are measured in Troy Ounces, one Troy Ounce is equal to about 31.1 grams. There are 12 ounces per Troy pound. Oh yea, and did I mention that the price of precious metals is variable?

Well it looks like I stand corrected so from hence forth the kid shall be known as “Carat” Bloggerman, JR, ESQ, LLP, INC. Yep...sounds good to me too.

Welcome To Earth: Addison!

We have now come full circle here at Nobody Likes a Jerk.

Slightly less then 2 full years ago (July 7, 2007) I started this little quagmire of crap off with the announcement welcoming my first niece, Illana in to this world. Now I have the pleasure of announcing the entry of my second neice, Addison.

The little squirt was born this morning just after 9am weighing in at 7lbs , 12oz. She’s a heavyweight compared to her big sister who hit the scales at 6.9 oz but she is a half inch taller so she’s got that going for her.

I do have to take issue with her choice of names (or better her Mom and Dad’s choice). Addison? I mean we’ve already had Sydney, Meredith, Jack, Kate(ie), and a few others whose names have become household thanks to a variety of shows on the ABC network. And why ABC? What about NBC? How come we don’t name our kids “Dwight” (the Office) or using CBS? Well to be fair the only people who are watching CBS are biologically too old to make babies anyway but still. Mrs. Bloggerman and I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and our first child shall be named “Smoke Monster” or “McDreamy” (depending on who kicks in the most money).

Regardless of your name, Addison, we still welcome you to our humble planet and to our even less humble family. May you be a blessing on to your house and a tax deduction to your parents!

Push Em Out….Push Em Out…Way Out!

Go Team Birnbaum! You have produced a beautiful baby girl. Yesterday we welcomed Isabella Esther Birnbaum into the world. Well…”we” didn’t exactly welcome her as phone calls to both of her parents went unanswered. Geeze, you’d think they were in the hospital surrounded by family and their real friends who would take time off of work and other commitments to be there.

While I don’t know the reasons she was bestowed with the name Isabella, I do want to take some time to share with you some “public” info on the name (generically speaking).

The Wikipedia says among other things that its meaning is “My God is my oath" and its origin is Hebrew via Greek and Latin. There are queens and duchesses that are blessed with this name as well as grapes, rock albums and even an episode of the Sopranos.

This is all well and good but we’ve already missed the obvious, “Can we call her Izzy?” If we can then this is a whole new ball game as “Izzy” is synonymous with so much more and I’m not just talking about the whiney resident on Grey’s Anatomy. Izzy is an Olympic Mascot (Atlanta ’96), a Pizza Chain in the northwest US, and even a former guitarist in Guns and Roses.

The bottom line is that she’s now here and it’s up to all of us to make sure this is a good place for her to grow up. So with that said, if you’re reading this at your desk, tidy up a bit, clean up those papers and clean out that coffee mug. If you’re reading this at home, pick up those clothes and dust off that table. If you’re reading this while walking down the street, bend over and pry that gum off the sidewalk and when it’s sticking to your fingers be careful not to run them through your hair.

Now get out of here and wish “Izzy” a long and fruitful time here on this rock and her family a hearty Mozel Tov.

Welcome Little Boig (Girl)

Couldn't complete a few days without posting by not telling you about why I've been incommunicado.

Her name is Lilah Rose Boig and she was born on Sunday morning to Jason and Jenna (of the family Boig).


Welcome home little one, may the big guy upstairs (and Hunter) look over you and protect you and may we all say Amen.

Velcro-ed Babies

In recent months I've been surrounded by babies and those having babies. As part of that, I've heard about and witnessed the crying, screaming, sleeping, burping, and even the pooping. This all led me to my latest, greatest idea:

VELCRO-Brand Child Restraint

1) Take Baby and cover diaper and if needed, onesie in Velcro
2) Take wall in home and also cover in the other side of the Velcro
3) When baby becomes too much to handle, or you have groceries, or have to deal with the dogs, stick baby to wall and go about your tasks.

This might also work well for small cats and dogs. I haven't thought about that though...soon.