To The Dope Ringing Bells At Labor Department:

I hope you are reading this right now. You decided yesterday would be a good day to stuff your fat gut into a red 2-piece suit with matching hat. You hid your identity behind a wispy beard of cotton balls and rang a bell that still echoes in my ear.

Yesterday you thought it would be a good idea to run around the fifth floor (perhaps even more places in the building) and ring your bell wishing folks “A Very Merry Christmas!”

I know you may find this hard to believe but I have only three problems with your behavior. That number should be significantly higher but since it’s the holiday season I will cut you a little slack.

In the spirit of Frank Costanza, “On with the grievances!”

1: You were dressed as Santa Claus, the “mythical” figure of Christmas. Many people in this country (and others) further perpetuate this myth to children and further twist their minds because you feel they can’t handle something as basic as the birth of Jesus. Side note, you also do this with the Easter Bunny because you think kids can’t handle the death of the aforementioned carpenter. You’ll note that other religions don’t need to “kiddie” up their special days...…but I digress. You chose to dress up as a pseudo-Christian figure and wish people good tidings for a Christian holiday all on the day some 20 million Jews around the world light the menorah candles to celebrate the first night of Hanukah. You probably couldn’t be more offensive if you tried!

2. Because you felt the need to ring a jingle bell and bellow “Merry Christmas” at the top of your lungs on the 5th floor yesterday you were interrupting my meeting which participants (or their government agencies) paid a good amount of money to attend and pay attention to. You also interrupted various other meetings going on in the conference center not to mention all the people who had to hear you around their desks while they were trying to get their work done. I’m coming to your desk tomorrow and am going to blast Klezmer music at roughly 400 decibels and see how much work you get done.

3. Speaking of not getting work done, are you a FTE (full time government employee)? You weren’t raising money for the CFC (combined federal charity) drive or any other worthwhile cause, were you? No? Well then you were taking time out of your daily schedule to ring this bell (you were on my floor for at least an hour). Do you not have enough work to do? I have plenty and can give you some. Surely you can explain to me why a government employee, drawing a tax payer-financed salary, can take time out of his daily duties to dress up as a jolly fat man and distract others who also draw tax payer-financed salaries and further reduce the efficiency and speed of government.

I should bend you over my knee and stick some coal “where the sun doesn’t shine” but I think you might enjoy that a bit too much. You’ve been a very bad Santa and as a fair punishment you should continue to work in this decrepit old building well after your mandatory retirement age and never advance and never get to leave. You will die in this building and they won’t find you for years. When they do discover your rat infested corpse in your basement cubicle, the only way they will recognize you is your size XXXL red Santa suit and matching red Swingline stapler.

Best Holiday Wishes,
The Staff at NobodyLikesAJerk