Monday, December 8, 2008

Charred Monkeys and Sunshine

Add today’s entry to things that happened that I couldn’t make up if I was deep into LSD, Ecstasy, and went on a $40,000 Coke binge.

1) Maybe We Should Try Ham?
Actual headline in today’s Washington Post, "3 Charred Monkeys Found in Luggage at Dulles Airport." It seems that a nice old man from the Central African Republic who was coming to DC to visit his son, was temporarily detained by US Customs officials. I think that the conversation at the counter went something like this:

“Are you bringing in any animals, plants, or fruits today?” (a standard question)
“Why yes…I have several pounds of deer meat in my bag.”
“Oh. Well we’ll have to confiscate that. Do you have anything else to declare?”
“No not really. Well I do have 3 charred monkeys in my other bag. Can I keep those?”
“Um…let me check with my supervisor.” “Yeah, we are going to have to keep those too…if they were chimps perhaps…but monkeys are clearly a no-no.”
“Damn! That was supposed to be Christmas dinner…now what am I going to do?”

2) Weather Forecasting Insights
One of the reasons that I avoid listening to the news in general and weather reports in particular on the weekends is that the local stations generally put up their “B-Team” announcers. These are generally less experienced reporters who are trying to break into a big market. One such case was this weekend when Mrs. Bloggerman and I were driving home around 3pm. The weatherman on WTOP actually said this:

“The sun will stick around until sunset tonight.”

Um….er….uh…..[shaking head uncontrollably] what the @$#@#!!!! Were we just supposed to ignore that little nugget of genius? Wait…can I guess how the overnight will go: The sun will remain down until sunrise tomorrow. Did I get it right? One word my friend: douchewaffle!

3) Ultimate Couch Potato Contest

“Do you plan life events to avoid conflicting with the sports calendar? Does your TV have two settings: OFF and SPORTS? Do you think the inventor of the yellow first down line should be awarded the Nobel Prize for physics? Then ESPN Zone’s Ultimate Couch Potato Competition is for you! “

Yep that’s right. Can you sit on your ass for at least 8 hours at a time in front of giant TV screens with unlimited food and beverages? Think you’ve got what it takes to hang with the laziest of the lazy? Well test your skill on New Years Day in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor at the ESPN Zone.

This is pretty much the lowest of the low. We as a society can’t sink much farther down the pole of pure sloth-dom. With that said I was really thinking of entering until I head you only get bathroom breaks once every 8 hours….Ugh…too long to “hold it in.”

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