You Might Be Too Old To Watch Law and Order SUV if...

You consider purchasing any of the items advertised during the breaks show on the Sleuth Network. In just one show these 3 items were plugged during breaks of a show that is targeted to an audience slightly younger then “Nursing Home”:

1) The Penthouse Dog Potty. Essentially a piece of Astroturf over a plastic tray that allows Rover to go to the bathroom in the house instead of making the owner take some form of responsibility and take him outside. The advertisement seems to indicate that you don’t have to rush home to let Rex out. Really? Then why the hell did you get a pet in the first place. These animals will love you unconditionally and all they ask is that you take a moment out of your “busy” day to let them get out for 5 minutes and use the lawn, fire hydrant, or that guy’s leg. Do you think you can handle that??

2) Carefor Reusable Briefs. From your dog peeing to your grandfather, father, brother, that guy who’s leg your dog just peed on peeing. If they can’t hold it in they need these washable version of Depends. I don’t know a lot of 30-40 year olds who watch SVU that have that kind of incontinence. I have the bladder roughly the size of a 3 year-old girl but can still manage to hold it for 5 minutes (sometimes). Maybe we should hold that add for the Matlock audience.

3) Jitterbug Phones. Are you or somebody you know going deaf? Or maybe you just like your cell phones with extra big buttons, no real features, or at an audio level equivalent with placing your ear upto a jet engine. Either way if you can’t hear or operate your cell phone chances are you can’t get the television volume jacked up enough to hear Detective Stabler whisper into a perp's ear that they are going “to love you in prison pretty boy!”.

This is a free assessment of your advertising partners. This is the only one you’re going to get. Any future work on my part will cost you. My current rate is one year of Jitterbug service and a box of Carefore’s. Have them delivered by the end of the week. Oh and please be discreet, I don’t want my neighbors to know about my “problem.”.

Now where did I leave my teeth??