Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Flavors That Nobody Asked For

Hey Boss...lets get creative this year and come up with flavors that nobody has ever thought to put into flavored seltzer water!

Didn't the folks at Jone's soda try that some years back to disastrous results?

They just didn't know how to do it right. When we're done with this stuff it'll be so good that people will be calling it the Christmas Story 2 of the beverage industry!

Are you sure?

Absolutely Boss!

The moral of the story is never listen to your employees because they will do two things. The first is to actually make those flavors that nobody asked for. I present for your drinking (dis)pleasure the newest flavor additions to the Polar Seltzer family of seasonal beverages: Eggnog, Buttered Rum, and Candy Cane. Yes you read that correctly. Three of the most beloved seasonal flavors have been chemically engineered and added into carbonated water. The result?  Ehh...well I wouldn't kick it out of bed but I probably wouldn't have slept with a bottle of flavored seltzer in the first place. Actually they don't taste awful but they aren't to die for either. It's clearly a mistake by a company desperate to increase market share but it raises an important question. If there are scientists who can create a chemical to mimic eggnog, how come we can't cure cancer? The later seems a little easier to imagine. While I don't think the boardroom conversation at Polar's New England headquarters went quite like that stated above, there was still a conversation to be had and somebody in authority had to ok this devilish combination of flavors. Who was it and do they still have a job? The only redeeming thing that I can figure is that on their Facebook page Polar does post this recipe for a lighter version of eggnog:

Looking for a skinny 'Nog that isn't loaded with artificial ingredients? Make your own and make the holiday season sparkle: 1 part whole milk + 1 part rum + 2 parts Polar Seltzer Eggnog or Butter Rum Seltzer (+ optional garnish of raw sugar) = YUM!
Hold your vomit in folks, remember I said there was a second thing that rogue employee might also approve for manufacture. Think of all the movies ever made that focus on the Christmas season. Which is the only one you all love but would never want to see a remake or g-d forbid a sequel?

EXACTLY! A Christmas Story

Let that vomit flow because there is now an actual "official sequel" to Christmas Story. Yes Ralphie and his pals are now 8 years older and moving up in the world of toys. This year he's hoping for keys to a new car to be left under the tree. Follow the link and watch the trailer because it's perhaps the only way you'll understand why movie critics are saying "This is the remake that nobody asked for" and "This is a great gift for everybody you want out of your life.".

Yeah I know....now time to rip into my bottle of Mint Chocolate seltzer and watch Home Alone 22 (Macaulay Culkin is launched into space....hilarities ensue).

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