Closing Thoughts on the Close of the Olympics

Hell of a job Vancouver, eh? You guys really came through and brought a great Winter Olympics to the world. That is if you ignore the fact that the focus of the opening ceremonies, the Olympic torch, didn’t work properly, or that the ice at the speed skating track was flawed because you were too cheep to go with Zamboni-brand ice smoothers but other than that you did a nice job. To properly wrap up these twenty-first winter Olympics I need to point out the following items from last night’s closing ceremonies.

The Russian National Anthem
I’m sorry but it’s too damn long! I know you’ve got a proud heritage and you’re hosting the next winter games but anything clocking in at over 3 minutes (3 min 52 seconds for those of you keeping score at home) is just too long. I thought the fat guy singing it last night was going to pass out mid way through. He looked like the opera singer in that Bugs Bunny cartoon (Long Haired Hare)! Let’s pare that thing down to just under 1 minute and 30 seconds, please. Can you imagine listening to this thing about 200 times in 2014?! May I recommend trying an adaptation of the national anthem of Micronesia which clocks in at exactly the 1:30 mark?

Flash Photography
You are sitting in row JJ seat 26 in the top most section of the arena. The stage is roughly 4 miles away (2.5 nautical miles) and there you are with your disposable Kodak trying to get the shot of a lifetime of Neil Young singing in the center of the arena floor. Even if nobody else was in the building and the lights were on full would you be able to use that camera’s crappy little flash to get a clear picture. You and I both know this. Then why, pray tell, are you using it in the dark to try and snap of a shot of a real Canadian hero? Just sit there and take in a mental picture. The flash on even a good point and shoot camera has (at best) a range of 10-12 feet, you couldn’t get a clear picture if you were sitting in the front row! Stop it. Also you and your seat mates all over the arena create a spectacle for those of us watching on tv that could possibly induce seizures. I don’t want to have to come and sue you.