Leggo' My Bagel

To the Wesley Church in Van Ness, DC:

I understand that you are desperately trying to bring new members into the parish to keep the congregation going. I even like your attempt at making religion seem less scary with your "Christian Lite" series of events.

But I need to take issue with your latest event that's advertised with a big color sign out on Connecticut Ave. There's nothing inherently wrong with talking religion over Sunday brunch but why advertise it as a "bagel brunch"?

The bagel is our thing. We've simply loaned it to you along with a dearth of accessories including terms like "schmuck" and "schmear". Now we want them back. You obviously can't be trusted with them. You don't see us offering communion wafers or spiral sliced honey ham with our Torah study groups do you?

What's wrong with a nice pancake breakfast or a stack of french toast? Try an english muffin or even a nice quiche, just leave our foods out of it!