Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hey This Don’t Taste Like Chunky Monkey

Well perhaps that’s because our friends at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have now demanded that our friends at Ben and Jerry’s ice cream stop using cow’s milk in their creamy confections and substitute human breast milk.

Take a moment and clean up that sip of coffee/water/crack you just spit up on your desk.

Unfortunately this is not a joke. Various newspapers have picked up the story but take a moment (once you’re done here) to read Charles Memminger’s column in the Honolulu Star Bulletin because it’s damn good.

I want to take his arguments just a bit further.

Let’s assume for a moment that PETA’s request (and their other anti-cow use measures) become law. We cannot drink cow’s milk, we cannot eat their meat, and we cannot use their hides for clothing. This brings around a scenario where:

1) Women around the world are hooked up to milking machines and forced to “pump” hours and hours each day just to get enough milk to keep the dairy industry going. And how does PETA account for the fact that these women would be kept in dirty barns and made to stand all day while being fed a mix of grains and hay. That doesn’t sound very humane. Maybe we can keep the women free range and let them frolic in green grassy fields when they aren’t being “milked”. This way when we drive down the highway we can pass a farm and say, “’s a Moo-mother” and then that bad joke about “square meals” can be recited ad nausea.

2) How many women will we need to make this a reality? And remember women don’t just produce milk on command. They have to have gone through a pregnancy first. That means that the folks at PETA are putting even more unwanted pregnancies/babies out in the world just in the sake of ice cream and ice cream based novelty treats. Plus the nice people over at Web MD tell me that many women have problems expressing breast milk for one of a variety of reasons. What will be done with that under producing lot?

3) Why should anybody keep cows anymore? The ranchers and farmers don’t have a financial gain from keeping more more more leather (heaven forbid!). So now the farmers open the front gates and let the cows run loose. These four legged bovines have no significant use anymore. They will simply roam the country side and more then occasionally wander across the interstate in search of food (which is now being harvested to keep the milking maids fed so they keep producing). Which brings us to the next item...

4) Think of all the cars that will be destroyed and accidents and injuries caused as a result of cars slamming into the cows on the highway at 80 miles an hour. These collisions will be all the more severe because large SUVs and sedans have been banned in favor of smaller, lighter, solar powered cars. Do you know the difference between surviving a crash between a car and a cow at 80 miles per hour? A large tank of a Cadillac! These little Smart Cars ain’t gonna be so smart anymore when it goes from a sub compact to a cube with your head sticking out of one side.

PETA please take these thoughts under consideration before offering your “views” to the public. The blood of these bovines and human tears will be on your hands. Now that’s food for thought. Now lets get some Cherry Garcia!

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