You Want to Eat There? But it’s Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day, the Hallmark-created holiday to beat all others, is built up as the “Most Romantic Day” of the year. As a guy, it is our duty to put things off until the last minute and then hustle to the dollar store (as I did) or to the gas station to get roses and chocolate inflated to roughly twenty times their actual retail value.

Many of you, no doubt, had grand plans this year to take your sweetie, honey, significant other, tax-deduction out to a nice dinner before springing the big surprise of the night (a half-eaten box of Russell-Stover chocolates with only the coconut crèmes left!). But have you thought about where you take them and what it says about you? Borrowing a topic that Seth mentioned earlier last week, here are some restaurants that you might want to think twice about before stepping out on February 14th:

Guapos/Uncle Julio’s/insert casual dining Tex/Mex restaurant here. What rattling around in that little brain of yours thinks that combining subpar ethnic food containing nothing but gas producing items (beans, cheese, hot sauce) and a romantic meal is an equation for “getting some”? I might reconsider if it’s one of those high-class joints that makes the guacamole table side and doesn’t use “we’re just like Taco Bell” in their marketing materials, but chances are your town doesn’t have a place like this.

Outback/Longhorn/Ponderosa Steak House. If you are living in such a remote location that this is the only place to get a piece of grilled/charred animal flesh then I guess you have no choice (nothing says “do me” than a bloody cow’s ass sitting on my plate with a pile of grey mashed potatoes and vegetables that make you seriously consider if it’s time to give up fresh food altogether.

Any Place That Serves Pizza. It doesn’t matter if it’s California Pizza Kitchen, Famous Original Rays or Dominoes....unless you are alone at a table for one/on your couch in your underwear there’s no excuse for pizza. Try to be just a little bit more creative.

Any Place That Serves Chili. I love my local Chili establishment. I’d eat there everyday if I could but it’s just not a place to bring the person you’re sweet on for V-Day. If you’re questioning why, see the reason for not going out for Mexican food.

I’m not doubting that any of the above choices are better then grabbing a burger at Mickey D’s or Jack in the Box but they should only be considered after exhausting every other option, including faking your own death to get out of actually going for dinner altogether. These are the facts and I’m just helping bring them to light.