My Crystal Skull Keeps Banging into The Wall.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t chip or dent either!!! Let me back up a bit. On Saturday night the wife and I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and head to the movies. For some reason in a moment of complete and under, certifiable insanity, I suggested seeing the new Indiana Jones movie.

Before I “review” this movie I want to get a couple of disclaimers out of the way:

1) This will be a SPOILER. If you plan on watching this movie (especially in the theaters) stop reading NOW. I do plan on ruining this movie experience for you.

2) I hate spending $10 to go to see a first run movie. I do however understand that this is mostly due to the movie studios charging the theaters so much to show each film and that the theater is just trying to turn a small profit.

3) I have hated the last 3 George Lucas involved movies I’ve seen (the 3 new Star Wars films)

With that said lets’ begin:

Indy is back but we don’t know it yet. It’s the late 50’s now. Lucas shoves this down our throat with a car of bobby socks wearing teens in a sport coupe racing down a two lane highway in the middle of the Southwest US, passing by a military convoy along the way. It turns out that this convoy is actually KGB agents disguised as US Military. They arrive at a military location in the desert of Nevada, clearly supposed to be “Area 51.” There Indy is pulled from a trunk of a car as a hostage. His hair is graying and he is clearly shown to be some 20 years older then when we last left him (1930’s). He is taken by the KGB into a warehouse and forced to show the lead agent (Cate Blanchett) where this “body” he found is. As soon as they open up the crate it’s obviously an alien (duh ….Area 51!!!!) but they keep playing it straight like its any old body (that has magnetic properties). Anyhow…of course Indy escapes and runs away to a “town” in the dessert where everything is perfect except for the people who are all dummies. No…real dummies (as in crash test). Turns out he’s at ground zero of a nuclear bomb test and has only moments to get out of there. He can’t but decides to hide in a fridge. Now suspending realism for a moment; let’s just say that the fridge has enough lead in it to counter the effects of the initial blast/heat surge. We are to believe that he emerged with just a few cuts and bruises after he the fridge was thrown at least 1,000 by the blast??? Come on!

Skip ahead a bit and he goes on a quest to find this “Crystal Skull”. Well he finds it about 20 minutes later in Peru. Only two problems here, one he now has to go return this skull somewhere and 2…the “crown” of the skull is elongated…like…oh I don’t know…an ALIEN. But again, Lucas wants us to believe something else. This time he says, “Oh the Mayan’s used to bind the heads of the babies to look like that.” Yeah….I know a lot of people who bind the heads of infants and don’t kill them 2 days later….nice.

Skip to the end….of course all the bad guys die and it turns out that…..yep its aliens and they leave town in a flying saucer.

WTF?!?!??

George, if I ever find you, I will string you up by the toenails and hang you from a tree. At which point I will unleash a hoard of 6 year old Mexican boys (who for some reason I have in stock) and tell them you’re a piñata until they wack the holly snot out of you! Stop this movie making now. Sulk back into the darkness appearing only in flashback specials about how great the original Star Wars saga was. This movie sucked and so do you. It was worse then mindless drivel. The only thing that sucks more then you and this movie is the upcoming Incredible Hulk movie. The fact is if you like to watch these things you should also be hung upside down in that tree as piñatas because you are the people he’s making this movie for!

George. If you are making this crap because you need to raise funds for your property tax, stop. Ed McMahan is looking for a roommate!