Put That Antenna Down – I’m Missing Here!

Why do you people do it? You know who you are. Yes you! Put down that retractable cell phone antenna. It doesn’t actually help your reception. You knew that right? Why do you have such an old phone anyway? What the @$%^%$! Every major carrier gives you the opportunity to upgrade to a new phone ever few years, and most even have a number of free options. Take some damn initiative.

I saw you walking down the street the other day on my way home from work. It doesn’t matter that you ranked high on the cuteness scale...you lost major points with that crappy phone. Somalian warlords (and even Somalian sommelier for that matter) have phones that don’t require you to lift up the antenna so you “can hear me now.” Hell, even my parents have retired those type of cell phones.

Now perhaps if you get a modern phone, you could call that number on the side of your milk carton to report that you’ve seen the person who is missing. Which reminds me...why aren’t the missing kids advertised on milk cartons anymore? Are we just not drinking enough milk to make the advertising by attractive? Or are we so infatuated with those cartoon cows on the box that we demand more. More cows everywhere! I don’t care...put them on the bottom and on the inside of the carton too! Now it seems that notice of the missing kids come as solo flyers or as part of a larger junk mail advertising insert. I saw one last night that completely mystified me.

In 1985 a 15-year old girl went missing from her Florida home. Evidently she is STILL missing today. Wha....wha....what? How is she still missing? Do you think that she really cares? She’s 38-fricken-years old! If she wanted to go home she could have done it years ago. This Notice went so far as to show a computer aged picture of what she might look like today. Just one problem there Potsy. I doubt she kept that crappy 80’s style hair cut. On the bright side she didn’t appear to be a “Flock of Seagulls” fan.