Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Blame It On The Zombies

At least that's what I'm going to do in order to explain this several week absence from filing this little corner of the interweb with joy and filth all at the same time! And while the dead rising from the grave to feast on the brains of the living may give me artistic license to skip a few weeks of posting it never, ever, ever, ever gives you reason to call the police. That is unless you live in Montana.

Montana-ians (or -ites if you like) have always been a different breed. Ever since they joined these fine United States of America they have stuck to their guns, their beef, and what ever else there is to stick to in Montana. Snow maybe? But the one thing that we can always rely on is a certain level of stupidity and high traces of gullibility.

This is not to indict all citizens of Big Sky Country. I'm sure many are loyal, law abiding, gun toting, tobbaco chewing, patriotic Americans. There are at least four that I will call out for their distrubing behavior.

You see it all started out inocently enough. Roughly 100 viewers (or 10% of the state's population) were watching the CW network yesterday afternoon. Ok let's stop there. The CW network? Really? Perhaps it wasn't the living but rather the Zombies who were watching? I don't think you're even allowed to watch that unless you actually have a brain...but I digress.

As the gentle folks of Montana who were home at 2:11pm local time during the middle of the week...ech...a Emergency Broadcast Alert came across the screen intrupting not only an infomercial for a non stick pancake maker but also an episode of the Steve Wilkos show. And not just any episode mind you, but it cut right into the juicy part of "Teen Cheaters Take Lie Detector Tests"

The viewing public heard the tell tale tones and chirps followed by a warning that dead bodies have risen from the grave and they are dangerous. You should not approach or try to apprehend them.

Ok...hardy har har har. We've been punked. Dead bodies...you mean Zombies? Oh sure, Look Out Martha, the Zombies are after us!  Very Funny. It must have been an intern on his last day at the station...or possibly...well lets just say that 1) I was in high school and 2) it was public access (which may have had more viewers than the CW in Montana)

But wait....not everybody got the joke. Police report getting at least four calls asking if this was a real thing. Not 1. Not 2. Not 3. But four people actually had to stop what they were doing, ask themselves "can the dead actually rise?" and then pick up the phone can call police. That takes a certain amount of "asshole" that I don't believe I have the ability to even fathom.

So in the end it turns out that hackers got into the Emergency Response System and were playing a trick (duh). But I hope during the course of this investigation and even better a possible trial, that the 911 tapes are played. I really want to hear how these calls went down....

Hello 911, please state your emergency

Uh...yeah...the TV just said that Zombies were coming for us....what should I do?

Zombies? Sir...this line is for emergencies only

NO I'm serious...it said the undead are out to get us...what should I do? Do I shoot 'em or try to stab them in the heart?

Sir, are you on drugs or narcotics? 

Well yes but that's not the point....I'm scared and don't know what to do. If they were commies, or liberals I'd just shoot them in the head, but how do you kill a zombie?

At least that's how I'd play it out on the big screen. My advice: shoot them in the head and then stop watching the CW!

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